How do we respond? And why does it make my skin crawl?
One day, new to Instagram, I received a private message from a man I didn’t know. It was an innocuous “hello.”
I did the responsible thing and checked out his profile: from the photos he’d posted, he appeared to be an actual human being, and not a spam robot. There were photos of him and his daughter. So I was the polite small-towner, the professional writer with a public social media profile, and said “hello” back.
He responded immediately; I could see those little dots as he typed.
His response and, more importantly, my reaction, left me baffled.
INSTAGRAM GUY: hi beautiful.
MY RESPONSE: [Nothing. I immediately blocked him.]
Let’s watch that again, in slow motion
INSTAGRAM GUY: hi beautiful.
Reaction part 1: Panic. “Duck before he sees me!”
Reaction part 2: Anger, at him and myself. “That sneaker. I let him in, and he’s being creepy.”
Reaction part 3: Disappointment. “I almost made a new friend, but nope.”
I didn’t think rationally about how to respond to him. I just clicked that “block” button and walked away.
Second-guessing myself
Almost immediately, I started second-guessing my choice to block this stranger.
First: maybe I overreacted. Maybe he wasn’t creepy. Maybe he was nice and deserved a polite response. This guy thought “hi beautiful” was a valid thing to say, and maybe it is. Maybe he thought he was complimenting me. Maybe we were in Mars vs. Venus territory here, and men think that’s a great way to break the ice with a woman they don’t know.
Second: was blocking him a responsible decision, given that it was my professional writer profile, and not just a personal profile? Was this how Michelle Obama would respond?
Maybe I should have thanked him politely for his kind words and redirected the conversation. I could get him to sign up for my newsletter, or be a patron. He might become one of my biggest fans.
In two or twenty years, when I’m a famous writer, I will have to deal with more socially awkward men like this. Will I block them all? How will I handle them in real life, at book signings and when they groupie me after I win the Man Booker Prize?
Fact: social media scams come in many forms
I did some Google research and learned that direct messages from strangers, even strangers with photos of their supposed children and/or dogs on their profiles, even strangers all dressed up as corporate executives or brain surgeons, are often red flags for scams. In retrospect, I’m 99% sure that first message was a scammer trawling for a bite.
Despite knowing I did the right thing by blocking him, that message (“hi beautiful”) and my reflex response puzzled me.
Why did this seemingly innocent, technically complimentary phrase trigger my negative reaction?
What’s wrong with “hi beautiful”?
Yes, it’s nice to be complimented. And sometimes I do strive to look “beautiful.” Why else wear mascara?
But on the list of qualities I want to be celebrated for, physical appearance is low.
Why not start a conversation with “hi outdoor adventurer,” or “hi future best-selling writer,” or anything that shows he’s read my writing, heard my story, and values what I value about myself? Why not “hi Heather”?
All “hi beautiful” shows is that the message sender has seen a photo of me: one I chose to post publicly because it was a good angle on a good day. Or not: maybe he says that to all the random women he cold calls on social media, not realizing he’s making our skin crawl.
When a man starts with “hi beautiful,” it’s a red flag that he’s focused on himself. He only sees our physical appearance, because he’s only thinking about his attraction to us.
He is not thinking about the three-dimensional person he’s addressing: the woman who has ideas, feelings, life goals, a story, strengths and weaknesses.
While I think physical attraction is essential for a romantic relationship, I would never want a relationship where he thought my physical appearance was the most important part of me.
What about those long minutes it takes my 40-year-old face to lose the pillow marks in the morning? What about my snotty nose when I’m outside in the winter? I don’t want to try to be attractive for someone all the time.
Online vs. real life
The glorious thing about being objectified in this way through an Instagram message rather than in real life is that we can click that “block” button.
In real life, we don’t get to “block” and move on.
When someone physically objectifies us in real life, how do we respond?
There’s that pressure to be polite, to be nice, to smile and say “thank you for the compliment” or some other ridiculous phrase that puts us in the weird position of being grateful to someone for assessing our physical appearance and approving. As if we’re meat and they’re the health inspector.
Is this reaction to “hi beautiful” an over-reaction?
So far, the women friends I’ve spoken with have validated my response: yes, block that guy. One said “hi beautiful” is “grabby”. It’s invasive and aggressive.
One said this stranger (if he wasn’t a scammer) was in the wrong because he “didn’t follow the rules of engagement.” Maybe “hi beautiful” would be appropriate on Tinder or in a dating context, but not on Instagram to a person who doesn’t post sexually inviting photographs.
I wonder what a man would say about “hi beautiful” as a conversation starter, and about my reaction. Is this a Mars vs. Venus thing? Is it a generational thing, or an urban vs. rural thing?
Does it even matter what the guys think, if the women say it’s bad?
In the years I’ve now been on Instagram, I’ve received many more “hi beautiful” direct messages. Presumably this kind of trawling works, if the scammers continue to use this particular bait.
Therefore, some women must continue those online conversations. That means either some women like the “hi beautiful” approach, or their polite response to the line allows the scam to play out.
Do some women like “hi beautiful” as a first line?
What do you think?
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You did the right thing by blocking. Sounded like one of those trolling things. Good for you.
Sandy Haugen
Duncan BC
You could ask Pete his opinion as he works with men. And you should’ve sent me his Instagram so I could’ve properly stalked him and told you his background story. Chances are he went to high school or elementary school with me and joe and feels like he already knows you. Or was some random invite at some family dinner 20 years ago and has been waiting for a chance to reach out to you. But then I don’t instagram and am use to my small town connections. so maybe he is just a creepy creeper.
Hey beautiful :+)
You did good. That’s just super creepy. Take this from a long-time online dating professional, lol!
Any guy that first leads with hi beautiful, sweetheart, dear…any of those, are probably scammers. They all have photos of themselves with children too. Nowadays I like to lead them on, play their game for a bit, then they are blocked and reported. ha! But it has been a while since being online, but that is EXACTLY how there conversations start.
This guy might not have been one, but he needs to learn that most woman are strong and not impressed with that.
This is a funny/embarrassing story. I was trail running with a friend when a tan coloured dog ran up behind me and immediately I thought it was a cougar. When we got to a clearance there were 2 guys waiting on MT bikes for it, as we approached them we referenced it startling us as having the same coloring as a cougar then one of them retorted ‘I see 2 cougars’. Well! That got my friends hackle up, she immediately outed him as we ran by, telling him how inappropriate and rude it is calling woman cougars…and it went on, I was mortified and embarrassed for the poor the guy. We ran into them again, this time they were lost and asked if we knew how to get back to the main road, Lisa responded ‘I do’, but I’m not telling you. lol. Off we went…
All this to say, guys gotta watch how they address us. But there are good guys who just have no clue and maybe, just maybe, we have to speak up once in awhile and tell them :+)
Hey Heather – totally appropriate IMO to block him – particularly if that’s your first reaction.
I had a short conversation online with someone that I sort of knew from a million years ago (aka high school) and it was one of those things where my gut kept going ‘this is kind of creepy” and because I knew the person to say hi on the street, I eventually said that outright to them because that’s what I felt. I thought I should clarify the conversation because I did know who they were and did occasionally wave at them around the valley. This guy saying “hi beautiful” with no context etc.- Big nope- you owe him nothing. You could have said – hey – not appropriate- but you never know where that might go. Best to go with your gut.
Well I thought that I would chirp in, as so far ,I’m the lone male in this conversation.
You definitely did the right blocking this person whether they be male or female .
This is the way I see it. Hey Beautiful only applies to people you truly care about, ie wife mother,sister,or someone that you have know a long time and loves you for being just you.
If he or she really wants to get to know you, a starting line Hi Heather I have been fallowing you on your blog and felt some connection. Would it be appropriate to have further conversation.
By the way I think your beautiful and all ways
Your good friend and may I add Family
Graden
Nancy sends hugs too
Hi Heather,
Thank you for this post that speaks to me about the difference between sharing identities and labeling identities.
– When I share my identities (such as my qualities, interests, activities, beliefs, affiliations, etc), I am giving people an opportunity to understand where I am coming from.
– When I reflect back to you and acknowledge what I have learned about you from what you have told me about your identities, then I am connecting with you with compassion.
This back and forth of sharing and reflecting is the foundation of building authentic relationships that are safe, respectful, joyful and free for everyone involved.
– We have lots of language for the experience of what happens when someone labels another person with with one or more identities: Some common phrases are ‘making assumptions’, ‘putting you in your place’ or ‘boxing you in’, or ‘backing you into a corner’, ‘treating people like objects,’ ‘taking advantage’ . Good thing you noticed and did something because these are the first two steps in self-care. By writing about it you are practicing the Anti-Discrimination First Aid Skill of ‘Ethical Witnessing’ Thank you for being one of my heroes in your ongoing efforts – through your writing – to teach the world about authentic relationship building and authentic community building.
One of your Cowichan Valley friends and fans.
I AM FOR SURE GOING TO BUY YOUR BOOK!!!!
I’m with you on this Heather. Actually, the only people I really feel comfortable saying this to me are women. From men, it just feels wrong. My older ex-male boss would say, and still does, “hey kiddo”. I much prefer that, especially since I’m pushing 50!
Love this article! I struggle with this too. I like how you set immediate boundaries. This is all part of the grand social/online experiment where the only rules are the ones you set (and the ones social channels like Facebook loosely acknowledge). Continue to evaluate what makes you feel comfortable/not. What a tricky gray area we live in!
Hi Heather,
I too have a public profile as an illustrator on Instagram. I have also been sent quite a solid handful of these messages. They always, without doubt, get blocked. Appealing to a woman’s sense of self via comments about her physical appearance are hangovers from another era, which should not ever have been a thing and are certainly not ok to continue to be a thing. I am raising a daughter. Since she was about 4 I’ve told her that if someone wants to be in your life solely based on how you look, they are not worth your time. Women are just as interesting, complex and valuable as men and our looks are not our only asset. So, yes blocking is always the right thing because he would never grow to become the biggest fan of your writing without a well worn path of suffering to get him there.
P.S. I will buy your book, your writing is so engaging.
Love from Cowichan Bay
Dalyce
Hi Heather as a fifty something female I think you did the right thing going with your instinct. If he was a troll it was a good thing.
If he was a nice guy he will rethink his initial contact with women and perhaps choose his words more carefully.
Sarah
Hi Heather,
Great post! Having lived long enough to be both friend and or Mom twice over, I would say pay close attention to your gut. If your first instinct was to block him it’s the right one. Women are taught to accept compliments even if we don’t want them, even if they seem benign, even if they are from someone attractive or non-threatening. Why?
Why was his first comment about your appearance? Public forum or not. Even if he is attracted, or interested in meeting you it seems presumptive to assume that would be what you might like. Another post said, “grabby”, I would also add narcissistic.
Yes, beautiful is a lovely word, but using it as a lure to a conversation is not.
Love to read your posts and your openness around navigating your new life.
Be well.
Pam
While he is not wrong at all in pointing out your obvious beauty… the ‘Hi Beautiful’ greeting is standard online creep talk and only a small step up from ‘a/s/l’.
Recommended response – ghost. That way, you don’t have to talk to him AND you retain a fan! Online creeps will only play along if you do, so ghost, ghost and ghost again. Besides.. what WILL you do when you are a famous writer with allll the fans? Can’t block everyone.
Love this post, hilarous take on the ‘Hi Beautiful’
I get these random DM’s on my Instagram occasionally and I never answer them or accept them. I don’t think that is the same as blocking them but I don’t accept these from people I don’t know. You are totally in the right to not accept or block random strangers on your sites! I would think a comment on a post is acceptable but you don’t have to engage with those either.
I say “Hello Beautiful!” All the time to ladies, but here is the thing, I am an esthetician, I only say it to ladies I have known for many years, and I am not a man. Reminds me a movie I had seen once, in which a “white guy” approached a “black guy” saying” what’s up bro?!” LOL “-Dude, – replies the black guy politely,- do I look like I’m your bro?!” You did the right thing, with all good intentions, it is the wrong thing to say to someone you dont know, I would find it disrespectful, there are 100 ways to approach someone, show them your interest, and really would he want his daughter to like such comment from a stranger?!
from an older mature male my response to you is “what is instagram?”
Oh dad. Instagram is like Facebook, but with mostly photos. Thank you for reading! xoxo
Thank you for writing about this. I just started an Instagram account and have received a few messages like this from men I don’t know. Also, when I was on a dating site some years back, men took this approach. You voiced my thoughts pretty well. I also find it creepy and, like you, I would respond better if the conversation opener was related to things I write or post rather than my photo.