I’ve been feeling strange lately, and only recently identified the feeling as loneliness. I don’t get lonely often. I’m an introvert and have more solitary hobbies than time to enjoy them. But these days I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to. My friends are busy with their own lives, preoccupied if not blissfully happy with newborn babies, celebrating their own milestone birthdays and anniversaries, running their own businesses. Many have offered support, but I don’t want to mess their lives up with all this grief.

I can remember two other times when I felt lonely.

In 1998, my parents helped me get settled into my first home-away-from-home, in residence at university. We waved goodbye and they drove off, and I was completely alone, knowing no one in the city. I felt lonely, and it was a strange, unpleasant, panic-inducing feeling. I walked to the cafeteria for a welcome orientation event and had made friends within the hour.

The other time was when a three-year relationship ended, and I realized I’d just lost my best friend. I was in my new bachelor apartment and wondering what to do with my spare time. I felt the brief panic of loneliness, then started calling up girl friends and planning nights out.

I was able to remedy both these instances, and so I’ve been struggling to figure this one out too. Technically I haven’t lost my best friend, yet. Technically I’m not a single parent. But I feel like a best-friend-less single parent. I want some time and a safe place to adjust, to recharge my introvert batteries and to connect with people who can understand what’s happening to me and my family. But I spend my days running after a toddler and trying to support my sick husband. I feel like there are numerous albatrosses hanging around my neck, many worlds resting on my shoulders. I want a quiet moment to put down all this weight and sleep, rest, just pause the world so I can take a breath and catch up.