Tag Archives: Atomic Vaudeville

May 2005

May 13, 2005 Heather Leave a comment

Fake Boobs – May 1, 2005 – 12:31am
Q and I ended up going to Moxie’s with a bunch of people I hadn’t met before. There were some VERY young girls there — 18 year olds — and at least two of them had breast implants. I AM SHOCKED.

I mean, they were certainly something to stare at — along with fake ‘n’ bake tans & faux french manicured nails these girls were the closest thing to real-life Barbies I’ve ever seen. But 18????? I didn’t even think that was legal.

Regardless, it was fun and weird and new. One girl with spectacular (and rumoured to be natural) breasts had phenomenal cleavage, and she was also (drunk but) friendly.

I was also going to comment on how the moxitini and double-bellini & a Crispy Crunch shot I drank had little to no alcohol content, but considering how weird the company was I might actually have been drunk.

Strawfree & Loving It
I cleared the rest of the straw today from Seamus & Caramel’s porch haven. YAY! It’s been haunting me, but now I can sleep again. Caramel, of course, supervised the entire process, and once I had swept and washed the porch she pissed right in the middle of it.

And Peter
I cut his nails today but he does this weird hyperventilating thing and it triggers unpleasant flashbacks to Molly dying of shock after her operation (moment of grief . . . )

so I only did his front paws. I’ll have to corner him again to get the back ones clipped, but first I’ll have to regain his trust.

One Last Thing Before Bedtiime
I miss my RockStar & I want him back in Canada. Preferably here, in my apartment.

Bunnies on TV! – May 1, 2005 – 8:57am
I’ve been avoiding the Comedy Network so as not to have awkward run-ins with my ex-stalkee Levi MacDougall. However, I think I’ve satisfied the mandatory Avoid Common Spaces rule for breakups, so I’m watching channel 41 again and loving it.

Wisdom Teeth Update
My top teeth have withdrawn back into the gums so there’s no sign of them at this time. My bottom teeth, on the other hand, have undergone great change. On the left, I keep feeling a kind of pressure under the gum and I’m concerned that there might be an impending Situation. The top of the tooth is lovely and sharp — I feel like a shark. On the right, things are going fine, with a similarly pointy tip. I have a referral for a dental x-ray, but my innate Let Nature Be tendencies don’t like the idea of an x-ray. So I’ll just wait until it hurts. Yes, that’s definitely more civilised.

Sticks & Avoiding Them
Normal homes don’t have chewed up, pointy sticks protruding from under couches, chairs, and beds. I’m fairly sure of this.

My Future – May 2, 2005
Sadie the Tarot Card Reader told me some neato stuff yesterday. The weird part was that she uses the same deck that I do, so I had my own interpretation of the cards. Whenever I try to read my own cards (which you aren’t supposed to do) I get the same ones, and they’re always the crappy “Hard Work” cards. I’ve always thought that the deck was telling me to fuck off. BUT I got the same cards with Sadie, and she interpreted them as “Creative Potential” and “Trying to find an outlet for your message” which I like infinitely better.

Also, I pulled The Tower which means Sudden Lightning-Bolt Traumatic Incident and I was VERY interested to see how she’d spin it. Apparently the foundations that I’ve laid thus far will come apart and my life will be entirely different from what I’ve already established. That’s not so scary.

I Am Not Obsessing
Exactly how long does it take to go to California, see a concert, arrive back home, and take a ferry to Victoria?

Writing to Ryan – May 2, 2005
Come home!!!!!

Tent Caterpillars! EW! – May 3, 2005
I’ve never considered tent caterpillars significant, but while walking this morning I noticed clumpy shit-like gobs in the tree branches and finally I realised that these gobs were not in fact shit, but rather cobwebby nests covered in furry caterpillars. EW.

So I tried to avoid walking under the branches, since caterpillars might fall on me, but that’s very difficult to do in Uber-Green Victoria. I battled a panic-attack, and survived. Again, ew.

Coxswain AND Rowing SuperStar – May 4, 2005
One of our rowers didn’t show up yesterday so I was Bow Seat #3 and I got to row for the first time ever. Aside from being certain that the oar would knock me into the disgusting sewage waters of the Gorge Waterway, I had a great time. (And I was never knocked into the disgusting Gorge sewage water.) I’m getting all sunshiny from our practices, and I feel pseudo athletic, plus I’ve been jogging a fair bit — I’m strangely healthy these days.

As for the Running
I always thought it was a consipiracy among masochists, the whole “Running Feels Good” thing, but I’m starting to like it. Maybe this is because I get a chance to listen to my Eminem CDs without any distractions, which then lets me notice more smart subtleties in the songs . . .

Being a Writer & Zen
You can be a writer/artist without ever writing/creating anything. My (expensive) years in UVic’s writing program were about BEING a writer as much as WRITING. I mean, listening & watching & being still & ruminating & asking & taking notes & trying to explain what you see to other people. It’s about being present, and noticing how amazing it is that EVERY SINGLE BLADE OF GRASS LOOKS A LOT LIKE EVERY OTHER BLADE OF GRASS — CRAZY COINCIDENCE????? “Wonder” kinda describes it.

And then, during and after five years of being taught to be A Writer (aka Live in the Present), my counselors & doctors kept suggesting that I learn meditation, yoga, study Buddhism, read up on the power of Breathing . . . which is the same thing. Sort of. Except that my Writer Version Of Being doesn’t involve religion or spirituality, except in the whole Wonder At the World sense.

This is just another example of me inventing something that’s already been patented. Like iPods. Like bars. Like themed Monopoly. Goddamn.

I’m Mentioning My Sister – May 4, 2005 – 5:54pm
AND SHE’S HAVING A BABY!!! And it’s a boy. They’re going to name him Jared Robert Babich.

I was just the usual proud, stunned, et cetera until I saw the ultrasound picture today, and The Thing inside my sister’s gut actually looks like a human being. It was the creepiest thing ever. Like a Real Life Sci-Fi Alien Beast. Also, he’s beautiful. Evy & Jared will be amazing parents, partly because they have a really healthy sense of humour, but also because there’s so much freaking love in our family.

Bureaucracy
Usually I’m immune to its effects, since we work independently of the ministry, but today we had training that was Uber-Governmental and I’ve had to accept that I hate bureaucracy. I hate the stupidy, the “I’m following the ass in front of my face” mentality . . . and I’m REALLY grateful that my normal work environment manages to avoid that . . . aroma . . . and also that I am NOT a government-lifer. One day, free from the bonds of student debt, I will fly free and be a starving writer, like I’m meant to be.

And the Need For Escape
Aries nature, perhaps. Or it’s spring and I have no one to cuddle with in bed. Whatever, I’m restless and need to have an adventure ASAP. Jessie and I are planning a spontaneous runaway up island. (This epitomizes the terrible beauty of being a young adult, sans responsibilities, but with responsibilities: planned spontaneity. How sad.) The running thing has been a pleasant escape from the static boredom of rainy winter, but now I need a REAL escape. Something involving mad driving on an empty highway, loud girly music, no showers except for frigid water skinny-dips, and meals of smoked salmon in newspaper. No crackers. You know, back to nature. Bestial and such.

Oops – May 5 2005 – 8:37pm
I laid down for a little nappy nap after work today, and my alarm didn’t work (aka didn’t wake me up), and I ALMOST missed my rowing practice. I ended up Victoria Taxi-ing it down to the gorge, and luckily our team captain Rueben was looking out for me on the dock because our whole team was practically in the boat and ready to go. I felt like a total gomer. And then, everything was going well — I was yelling the right things — but then we smashed oars with another boat. Personally, I accept only 50 per cent of the blame for this, due to our coach who was directing us at the time.

Regardless of all incidences, it was SO MUCH FUN and everyone did well. I’m still learning how to properly project my voice in the boat, and I had a lot of trouble relearning port/starboard after having the terms reversed when I was rowing last Tuesday. It was blue sky and sunshine, and dinner tasted extra great, and now I’m watching New Waterford Girl on CBC. I love this movie.

Future Plans
Liv called and asked me on a girly date, so I’m meeting her at 4 tomorrow and we will eat sushi and/or drink martinis and/or browse for books, et cetera. Also, Q is having a party Saturday, which is really just an excuse for us all to forget about work because I’ve started dreaming about newspapers, and it’s been a tough week for Jessie’s clients, and we ALL need a vacation ASAP. Sunday is Momma’s day, so I will send my momma love all day, on the hour.

And About This Whole Love Thing
It’s summertime now, and I don’t know if my Sexy Crazy RockStar ArtistMan will even let me know when he’s back in Canada, so I’m just going to run around the block a lot, and drink cider, and row row row my boat, and work, and bond with Q & Jessie & Liv, and compile a package o’ love for Momma Evy, and love my rabbits, and write my next Brilliant Play/novel/story/what-have-you.

And if a Smart & Sexy Richmond RockStar happens to appear on my porch one day, that’d be really nice.

Writing to Ryan – May 5, 2005
I want to go on a picnic.

RESTLESSNESS – Friday, May 6, 2005 – 8:41pm
AAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Liv is Super Dooper
I was exhausted after work. Early hours all week + two rowing practices + later nights + sunshine warm weather = me practically asleep at 2:35pm. Liv was sympathetic and let me cancel our girly date plans. Instead of sushi and books, I bought some pjs and slept for 3 hours on Q’s couch. Then Q came home and we took Celeste for a walk on Dallas Road, where she flirted relentlessly with a number of small doggies. Then we bought old pepperoni pizza from Village’s and ate it and now Q is napping and I AM RESTLESS, waiting to go see some dick-flick at 10pm.

I NEED AN ADVENTURE
My dreams are getting weirder and more work-focussed and more difficult to distinguish from real life. This is sketchy. I need a break.

Possible adventures include:

running away up island with whomever has a car and/or the will to travel with me;
falling madly in love with some random (but worthy) man who lives in Victoria and therefore is around to entertain me;
writing the Great Canadian Novel;
adopting a new neurosis or psychological disorder, which has always provided amusement in the past;
moving;
having a baby (hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha);
learning something new, like Greek or performance poetry. I’d like to know how to make my own T-shirts — not the shirts themselves, just the designs. Silk-screening, whatever.

Ugh.

Hungover on Mother’s Day – Sunday, May 8, 2005
I had fun last night. Q made Newcomb Caesar Salad and I made spaghetti, roasted garlic bulbs, cut up french bread . . . Lance & Spencer came over for dinner, and they each brought a bottle of wine. Being petite, I didn’t last as long as the boys. Q tried to wake me up on the couch and apparently I said something about how the teachers were trying to kill us.

Anyhoo, it’s a rainy morning now and I’m well-rested (if fragile).

Best Purchase EVER
Yesterday I found these crazy Christmas lights with each bulb surrounded by a fake flower. I bought three strands: 2 maroon rose strands and one sunflower strand. One of the rose sets is now above my kitchen sink, and it looks so pretty. I’m contemplating where to put the others. Rabbit-accessibility is a concern, due to Peter’s affection for electrical cords. If there had been more than three I would have covered my whole house. Also, you can use them outside too. PRETTY.

And Now, Politely Waiting For Q to Wake Up
I want to go home and make a pot of tea. I’ve inadvertantly spent both weekend nights here at Q’s, and that always leaves me feeling displaced. I need Heather-scale surroundings! I need my tea cosy and favourite nammies! I need Peter to be under my bed! It’s raining and I don’t have proper rain clothes . . . I might have to risk it.

Mallrats on VHS – Sunday, May 8, 2005 – 5pm
Sometimes I’m in the mood to watch Kevin Smith, and sometimes I’m not. The acting, dialogue, and premise are alternately painful and brilliant.

I briefly considered falling love with Jason Lee, a Kevin Smith constant and (ex?) pro-skateboarder. (I already have his autograph, thanks to Q & Rachel who caught him on the ferry one day.) But I’m tired of the whole love/stalking thing . . . I’d really like an actual, living man to adore me. That’d be a pleasant change.

Side Effects May Include
I still feel icky from last night. Once home, I slept and half-watched my movie, ate some pesto fettuccini, swiss cheese & pickles, showered, changed into clean pjs . . . I drank a pot of tea, well aware of the risk: either the caffeine would decimate my headache or make it worse. My hands are shaky and sweaty, and I feel extremely unsexy as a result. Goddamn drinking.

Bunny Loving
And Peter’s ignoring me. Here it is, Mother’s Day, and I’m getting nothing from the three living creatures that I feed, water, and love. Ungrateful rodents. I hope he’s okay. He hasn’t been very friendly since his pedicure, and I’m a little worried that he’s hiding some sort of wound or trauma. Bunnies do that — they feign health so they don’t get picked off by the wolves. It makes it very difficult to be a Bunny Mom.

Not My Wittiest Day
Blah. How come I’ve finally got this whole work-money-writing-independence-friends thing together, and now I just feel gross & want to run away? I remember being so excited, back in the age-thirteen-highschool years, about being a grown up and writing, and having my own income, and surrounding myself with things that I think are AMAZING & BEAUTIFUL and now I’m here. It’s the strangest thing. Time just keeps on trucking. But I don’t know what I want now, since I have most of the things I’m SUPPOSED to want, and most of the things that I can control. Sadie the Psychic pulled The Tower during my tarot reading (actually, I pulled it) and I’m starting to crave the lightning, foundation-shaking trauma that it portends. GIVE ME SOMETHING NEW.

(Knock on wood, as I really don’t want to be unemployed and struggling with student loan debt again . . .)

GIVE ME SOMETHING NEW BUT NOT FINANCIALLY TROUBLING.

Maybe I need to take a class or something.

Motherly Wisdom on Mother’s Day – May 8, 2005 – 8:36pm
Mom solved my headache with some EXCELLENT motherly advice: drink another cider.

All better! Yay!!!!!

Writing to Ryan – May 8, 2005
I’m making this more complicated than it has to be — silly Twit that I am — so just get on that fucking ferry and come visit. I will not seduce you. I want to know why I am in love with you when we’ve never had a proper conversation. I want to know if I can keep loving you, or if I should move on to Ben the Neighbour or whomever happens to fall in love with me next. I HATE feeling un-special, and I won’t be able to tolerate this much longer! Gees.

Bunny Loving: Caught in the Act – May 9, 2005
I checked on Seamus & Caramel this morning, and they were on the outside couch, with Seamus straddling Caramel in his “C’mon, let’s have sex, honey bunny” style. He was licking the top of her head (aka grooming) and her eyes were closed. I knew that eventually Seamus would try to take things “to the next level” so I stopped watching (out of respect for their privacy). Bunny foreplay. It’s a beautiful thing.

Meanwhile, Peter Just Keeps on Eating – May 9, 2005
And yet, he doesn’t get any fatter. I think he’s losing weight. Or it’s just his winter coat coming off.

Running Without Eminem
I went for a run today but all my Eminem CDs are at Q’s so I had to find an alternate fast-paced soundtrack. I chose The Offspring’s Conspiracy of One and the pace was so goofy that I got a vicious running cramp halfway through my route. Stupid punk. I miss my Eminem. Kinda funny moment of irony, though: The Offspring shout out “you can do it!” while Eminem talks about “bitches.”

And a Bitch About Doctors
I’m almost out of my prescription Happy Pills so I called the drug store today to see if they could refill it without me having to go in & see my doctor. They said no. So I called the doctor’s office, to see if they could renew the prescription without me being there. No. SO I waited for an hour to talk to my doc for a few seconds, tell him about the new running-around-the-block exercise phenomenon, confirm that I’m still not crazy (when medicated), and get a refill on my prescription.

AND THEN there was a line-up at London Drugs so I had to wait to drop off my prescription. Despite the new aisles of summer accessories, I refused to wait for it to be filled. I’ll stop in some day this week. Anyhoo, the point is: WHAT A WASTE OF MY TIME. My doctor’s intentions are good: he wants to keep me on a tight leash with my prescription so he can check up on me and remember who the hell I am. But it’s a good hour-point-five of my day that I wasted inside, NOT napping or eating or snuggling with bunnies. Once every three months I endure this test of my (im)patience.

Other News, re: Babies + Prozac
I asked about taking meds when pregnant (because EVENTUALLY I plan to get knocked up — just not in the next few years). And my doc said it’s perfectly doable, with proper dosages et cetera. This is a HUGE relief, because even though I’d rather not risk my babies’ health with drugs, I doubt that I’ll ever be able to not be crazy without meds. Regardless of what happens re: my future mental health, at least I don’t have to worry about a med-free pregnancy, if it’s an issue.

And Speaking of Babies
Today I bought:
– maternity clothes*
– condoms**

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

*for Evy, NOT me. Let’s be clear.
**and Q, no snide comments re: my sad lack of sexual prospects. I can already hear you giggling . . . dink.

Inevitable Adventure – May 10, 2005
May 20: SWING DANCING!!!! It’s only a matter of time before I get all famous as a swinger. Or something.

That ’70’s Show – Tuesday, May 10, 2005 – 9pm
When did Donna become blond? When did laugh tracks get so obnoxious?

Unwelcome Mantras – May 11, 2005
These are the things that I say without thinking:
“I am the saddest person is the world.” (This one is easy to argue, since obviously I’m not. There are hungry, unsatisfied, terminal orphans out there with unsanitary drinking water and violence all around.)

“I’m a bad person.” (This one is also not true, since I’m actually a good person. I even give to charities, for chrissake.)

I’ve tried a lot of different ways to make these stupid thoughts go away. Prozac works very very well, generally. Lately, the running keeps my brain empty because I’m so focused on how much my legs hurt, and/or the metaphysical riddles posed by Eminem’s newest rhymes. Short term, I’ve tried sleeping, drinking, having a bath (the worst — just makes the mantras echo), dancing, snuggling with Peter, hiding in my apt, not opening mail, . . . Lately I’ve tried arguing with the thoughts. “I’m not really a sad or bad person, it’s this goddamn seratonin and my brain is making me think things that aren’t true. So there.”

I don’t know if this is a related symptom, but I keep noticing that I’m talking to myself. At first, I just addressed the bunnies, because then it wasn’t TOO weird, but when the bunnies are tunnelling at home and I’m on Yates Street it’s not really an acceptable excuse. Whatever. Sometimes you have to be loud to shout down the static.

An Alternate Passion – May 11, 2005
The UNO Theatre Fest! I’m getting tickets . . . book your Time With Heather NOW to get a free theatre show!

Waiting for Q to Drink a Beer so We Can Go Walk Celeste On Dallas Road in the Sunshine – Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Today has been a good Mail Day. I sent off a parcel for Evy, and I received two thingies in the mail: a cd with pictures of my future nephew, and a horoscope book for those born in the Year of the Monkey (aka me). (I also got something from the states that I ordered, but I want to mess with Q before I reveal what it is. Hee hee. I bought two, but I’m only giving Ryan the RockStar his if he shows up in Victoria to visit me. I’m tricky that way.)

Knocking on Wood
I’ve noticed that when I say I’m going to do something in the future, I inevitably end up not doing it. For example: sushi with Liv last week, but I was too tired so I had a nap instead. Or drinking faux vino in the sunshine because I was done work early — actually, I slept from noon to now.

You know, it seems that SLEEPING is messing with my plans. Hmm. But it feels SO GOOD!!!!!! At least I’m not a crack whore.

There’s Lettuce on my Porch
Kim the Bunnies’ Fairy God Mother planted it and is making it grow. I feel pseudo-enviro, with healthy plants outside my windows.

Once Again, Jinxed By Stated Intention – Thursday, May 12, 2005
I knew it would happen. Q fell asleep and we never went on our doggy walk. Again, sleep as the destructive force. THIS time, though, I managed to stay awake and contemplate the direction of my Next Masterpiece Play.

My Next Masterpiece Play
In third year UVic I had to meet a deadline and write a short story but I’d been reading a LOT of Kerouac and feminist theory and that was all I could think about. Oh, and running away from all the stressful factors in my life and living by a lake.

So I sat down to write this goddamn story that was due the next day and suddenly there was this this diarhea of words — I ended up writing “(Title Goes Here)” which is now my most favourite bit o’ self-writing ever. I want to make this story into a play, because I love it and it deserves to be seen. But it’s a single-person narrative which doesn’t necessarily translate too well onto stage. Monologues get dull, you see. So I’m trying to figure out how to mix it up, with more characters/dialogue, more movement. More special effects. It’s all about the special effects.

Currently my working title is “On the Rag” which I think is fucking hilarious, but sometimes it sounds cheesey and I think I might have to change it. (“On the Rag.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!)

In Other News
I DO NOT want to jinx a certain visit from a certain MWWIAIL this weekend. So I will not mention it.

Generation X – Thursday, May 12, 2005 – 8:15pm
I bought two copies of Douglas Coupland’s defining piece o’ writing. I’ve been buying everything in twos, it seems, lately, because I keep finding things that I want my muse/mentor/protege/MWWIAIL to experience alongside me. Also, I bought two copies of How to Heal the Hurt by Hating because I leant my only copy to Liv’s roomie Jen (or Jean?) four years ago and never got it back. Best break-up book ever. So I bought one for me, to keep, and one to lend. The only part of it I don’t like is that The Other Girl in the book is named Heather and that is very confusing.

Row Row Row Your Boat
Practice was really fun today. Coach Fraser kept saying that he would leave the commands to me, and then he’d say them. Silly Fraser. Also, I got all giggly when I had to yell “hard!” for ten strokes. (Hee hee. Try it.)

ALSO, someone (I think it was Andrew) yelled “Heather!” from the bank today — he was wearing a bike helmet so I’m pretty sure it was Andrew. He’s a biker guy. Everyone thought I was pretty cool for having someone recognise me while on the water.

Schmew Shmew
Okay, hoping not to jinx things: I have a date with Liv tomorrow. YAY! Hopefully sushi. The best part of having a whole bunch of different groups of friends is that everyone loves sushi, and if I stagger our dates I can eat sushi multiple times each week.

Also, I am very pleased (although scared shitless) that TMWWIAIL is coming to visit me this weekend. How exactly do I make someone bond with me and love me and like me???? Is there an established strategy for this kind of situation? I was so focused on getting TMWWIAIL to visit me that I never actually considered what the hell I’m supposed to do to entertain him.

Strategy thus far: I’m going to make pie. (This might be unfair, considering the quality of pie that I make, but I’m going with my strengths here. Alternate/additional suggestions are always welcome.)

Writing to Ryan – May 12, 2005
happy happy happy happy happy!

I am so very glad that you are coming to visit me. I should be too grown up and mature to be so affected by the attention of a man, but pshaw I’m excited and smily nonetheless. YAY!

Consuming Via VISA – Friday, May 13, 2005 – 9:13pm
Liv and I successfully managed to have our date!!! YAY!! We went shopping and had steak dinners and drank martinis — Liv LOVES her S&Ms. Then SuperQ drove us to a family home in Saanichton and I bought a new bedframe. It’s a “loft bed” which means that it’s a bunkbed with only a top part. And it’s made of metal, so Peter won’t eat it, and it’s a double, with is the ideal size for my home. Coworker Duncan pointed out the difficulty that the ladder might pose, when drunk or lusty, but I have an extremely comfy couch so that’s not an issue. Also, I get room for a FORT, so that makes up for any potential inconvenience. What other 25 year old do you know who has a fort????

Anyhoo, it’s a big IKEA frame so we left the family alone to bond and disassemble. Hopefully I can draft a large-car owner to help me pick it up sometime this week. YAY! No more milk crates! I’m a grown up!!!!! With a fort!!!

Also
I’m so sleepy. And it’s not just the cosmos. Peter woke me up at 5am with bunny Ninja kicks and loving, et cetera. I can’t resist a friendly bunny. Also, he’s been growling sometimes, which is his way of wanting to play Monster (our game where I flick his tail and he attacks me). So I feel very attended-to lately. My plan for the next hour = shower + nammies + BED.

Tomorrow
I am making pie. For TMWWIAIL. And for me. And if we can’t eat it all, then I might maybe share with Jessie & Justin & Q & Liv & co. But TMWWIAIL is a young’un, and I won’t be surprised if we manage to eat two whole pies between us this weekend. Also, I make great pie. I could probably eat both pies myself. But then my belly would grow, and I’d have to wear maternity clothes. Which wouldn’t be too bad — like bonding long distance with Evy — but really, that’s foolish. Homer Simpson in a mumu, et cetera.

Heather In Love – May 16, 2005
I was very busy this weekend so no present-tense updates. Here’s a rundown:

Friday: bonded with Liv.

Saturday: Cleaned my dump of a Bunny House. I learned that if I scrub with a scrubby rather than a sponge, my bath tub changes colour!!! Also, Peter’s been living the good life under my bed, what with all his dust bunny friends, but I massacred the mofos and he spent the rest of the day mourning. THEN I got all pissy because my RockStar was late (he missed his ferry – goddamn ferries) so I went for a doggy walk with Q, Celeste, and Lelande and drank Growers to Go. THEN we had dinner @ Ming’s, and my RockStar showed up, and all was good thereafter.

Saturday Night & Sunday until 2: None of your goddamn business. I mean, gees, Love is a personal thing and certainly not appropriate for this kind of public forum. But I had fun and I am very much most certainly in love.

Sunday after 2: went for brunch at Pag’s and crossed paths with Matte so I grabbed him and made him come eat with Q & Lance & Chris & me.

Moment of Surreal Coincidence That Seemed Kinda Normal Since I’d Already Had Such a Surreal Weekend
So there I am at Pag’s, with Q and Matte on either side, and there’s Kent paying his bill at a table!! So weird. He was all sunny and I am once again proud of my transformative powers. We intend to have tea this week. I love my boys. They should start a union.

Back to Sunday After 2
And THEN Q and I picked up my new bed from a lovely family in Saanichton and eventually I started assembling it, and I am a fricking SuperHero because I was lifting/holding/assembling these huge & heavy pieces of steel all by myself. Then Q came over and helped me do the tall bits, and we ate leftover Ming’s, and then he left and I spent my first night in my AWESOME FORTRESS-LIKE SECRET HIDEAWAY loft bed.

Peter’s Feelings About the Situation
Peter is very confused. He keeps skittering around, trying to find his old burrow (aka under my bed).

Oh and Also
I am in love.

Living With a Puzzled House Rabbit – May 16, 2005 – 8:09pm
I feel guilty. Poor Alpha Bun. He’s completely lost in the apt — as if his burrow just went away for awhile and will eventually reappear if he tunnels enough. Open spaces aren’t his favourite, and his usual route from porch to kitchen is without cover and he doesn’t know what to do other than sit in the middle of my floor (where the burrow used to be) and wiggle his nose at me.

New Bastion of Creativity
My fort-area under my new bed is high enough for me to stand without ducking. My desk (w/computer) and other shite fit into this space nicely, and with the neon green curtain I bought today I feel all secluded and intense. A great space for writing and et cetera. All I need are some more of those flower lights.

& a Thank You to My Tolerant Friends & Family
They’ve endured my bitching and occassional bitterness and fury and frustration and grief @ there being no men/man for me on this goddamn island. And now they’re ridiculously patient with my Squishy In Love Giddiness and Coy Hickiness and they haven’t yet told me to shut the fuck up about how great TMWWIAIL is and how he’s exactly right for me and how sexy he is and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah . . .

So thank you to Liv and Q and Jessie and my family. You’re all so patient, and I appreciate it.

Evy “Momma” Walker
Evy just called — she got her parcel o’ maternity clothes today and she likes them! I’m so glad. I was tricky and sent her a yellow shirt so I’d be there in spirit. Also, she looks great in yellow.

Speaking of Family
Q is ever supportive of me but he’s also family so he mocks me and he sent me this link to a video that celebrates gay boyfriends. It’s fricking hilarious.

Also, let me say that I’m pretty sure TMWWIAIL isn’t gay: he cuts his own hair and his boot has a hole in the toe. Hopefully my gaydar has improved to the point where I will avoid any future . . . incidents . . . although I do love my (small) collection of gay ex-boyfriends, and I support any more of them coming out. (Anyone? Anyone?)

Writing to Ryan – May 16, 2005

List Of Crazy Coincidental Similarities:
Kevin Smith, Jason Lee, Douglas Adams & The Hitchhiker’s Guide, Kerouac & co., eyebrows, bleached hair, April birthdays, Grower’s raspberry, anti-cynicism / naive openheartedness, Johnny Depp, cold sweaty feet, issues re: craziness, hot water, Snugglies for babies, love for beautiful people, and undoubtedly more as yet undiscovered.

And Whatever You Do Today – May 17, 2005
Don’t forget to VOTE!

Even if you don’t have a fucking clue, just show up @ where you’re supposed to go and make a pretty drawing on your ballot. At LEAST you’ve shown that you MIGHT vote if you had a fucking clue. That counts for something.

This includes voting for your MLA, AND voting yes or no in the referendum on electoral reform.

This Website is Non-Partisan, But SERIOUSLY – May 17, 2005 – 9pm

“We ran a non-partisan campaign.”
– Jenny Sims, BC Teachers’ Federation

Adventures on the Gorge Waterway
It was raining for a bit during rowing practice and my rain hat blew off into the sewage waters of the Gorge. EW.

Also, Coach Fraser gave me a megaphone today (’50’s cheerleader style) and I COMPLETELY ABUSED my power as coxswain.

And Now
Back to watching the election results . . .

In Other News – May 18, 2005
I am looking forward to: winning the lottery on Friday (my office bought tickets); having a nap; tonight’s final episode of America’s Next Top Model (I have no idea why I watch this — it’s the only reality show I still watch after my UVic-era Survivor/Big Brother/Amazing Race/The Mole binge); a possible quality visit with TMWWIAIL this weekend (which I will not talk about too much, because I don’t want to get all excited and then not have it work out and then have 2/3 months of long-distance separation in which to agonize); and working in gov’t post-election.

Just when my workday becomes a routine, everything changes. While my plan is still to stop this gov’t madness once the student loan has been slayed, I’m nonetheless excited about the next four years, if it takes that long for me to move on. Oh, the drama of an Official Opposition . . .

Speaking of Priorities
I celebrated the election (I LOVE DEMOCRACY) with a crappy-for-me A&W mozza burger combo for lunch today. I briefly considered buying a healthy deli sandwich instead, but what the hell, curves are sexy and I really really like mozza burgers.

Weird Moment of Happiness – May 18, 2005 – 8:35pm
My two favourite girlies are the finalists on America’s Next Top Model. I know, there are other things to be happy about (more ethical, world-peace-type things) but I’m still pleased.

Sleepy sleepy – May 19, 2005
I’ve been staying up too late these days, and now it’s Thursday and I’m so tired. I hope I get to have a nap before rowing — AND tonight is the 2-hour season finale of CSI so I MUST stay awake to watch that.

tv — ew
I really don’t watch a lot of tv. I hate tv — it’s the devil. And now, with America’s Next Top Model over, and the CSI season finale, I will no longer be tempted to waste my time. Until September.

May Long Weekend!!!!!!!
YAYAYAYY! Not only do I get a three day holiday, I also am very excited about all the parties we have planned. Ben’s moving bash is on the 21st, and Spencer’s birthday is the 22nd, and in medias res plays the night of the 22nd, and TMWWIAIL will (hopefully) stay with me that night too.

Drinking the Gorge – May 20, 2005
Most disgusting experience EVER EVER. We were trying a new rowing thingy, and I got splashed with so much water that I was SOAKED and also some of it got into my mouth. I’ve tasted Gorge water. ICKY GROSS EW.

New thing learned: Gorge water = sewage, gasoline, seagull piss, garbage, Georgia Strait ocean water = tastes really really salty.

Also, Coach Fraser laughed at me and said I looked “cute.” I think he’s in love with me. Oh, the drama.

Calla Comes to Town – May 20, 2005 – 10:45pm
I have back-up this weekend! Calla is here to visit with and entertain the Q while I recuperate from a draining week and look forward to seeing TMWWIAIL. Calla has known Q since preschool, and she knows how to manage his . . . needs . . . and I feel like I found a really good babysitter. YAY! A real weekend of rest!!! Knock on wood.

Also, Napping
Kate let me run home early today. This might be because I was sleeping at my desk. Anyhoo, I got home and was in bed by 2:30pm, and then I slept straight through to 6 when Q & Calla picked me up for dinner. Now I’m going to bed again. I love my bed. I love sleeping. I love it even more when TMWWIAIL is sleeping beside me, but I’ll make do with what I have tonight.

Party @ Ben’s House – May 21, 2005 – 9:09 pm
Ben is moving to James Bay so we’re drinking. I’ll take any excuse, to be honest.

Sunday Shmunday – May 22, 2005 – 11:33 am
My momma’s in Ireland digging out our family roots, and Jessie’s in Tuscany with a whole bunch of couples doing the wedding thang. I better get some quality postcards.

And Shmand
So apparently Q’s ex-neighbour Ben won a Beaver-Making Lego competition when he was twelve. That’s a pretty great claim to fame. Also, he’s sorta friends with Sketchy James, the guy that Jen left us for (or we left Jen for), and so both James & Jen were at Ben’s last night. Q had some deep conversation with Jennifer but I didn’t. Instead, I managed to make friends with the only gay boy at the party that we hadn’t brought. I’m a fricking magnet, I tell you.

AND SHMAND
I’m hungry. I can’t decide whether I should eat something or wait until our planned breakfast. That means another hour or three of no food . . . so I’ll eat something now. Yep.

On That Note
Sadie the Tarot Card Reader said that I sometimes don’t know something is true or that I’m thinking it until I say it aloud. Isn’t that perceptive?!

IMR Aftershocks – May 23, 2005 – 10:13 am
I saw Ryan’s band play for the first time last night and I felt like the Best Groupie Ever. CoWorker Duncan told me to look nonchalant and aloof from the audience, so I stood in the back (motivated mainly, I confess, from a fear of crowds) and tried to look apathetic but they were Very Good and also the audience people were amazing to watch, and there was this guy who was taping the show and taking pictures and I was trying to suss out* his intentions — pirate their tv footage, whatever — but in actual fact he’s the daddy of some guy named Adrian and he’ll send the pictures over to the band asap because I cornered him and made friends and asked him to. So I wasn’t as nonchalant as I feel I could have been. AND Ryan gave me a t-shirt.

*haven’t seen or used this phrase in a decade or two. Just for kicks . . .

More Band Stuff
And the audience people were saying things like “unbelievable,” and one guy came in during Hooner’s drum bit at the beginning of a song and he just zoned out and stared right at the stage and handed his Starbucks to his girl. Mesmerized. That’s the word.

Nathan advised me to position my Groupie-Self behind a speaker or something to avoid unsightly hard nipples and other signs of arousal, and on an interesting note I was leaning against a pillar in the back and I could feel the bass everytime there was a deep note. Vibrations are so much fun.

As For the Q
Quinn drove Calla to the ferry at 4pmish, so she wasn’t there to watch the show, but Quinn came by to pay his respects.

QUINN: “These children need a haircut.”

And then he left. But with love in his heart.

Moment of Horror
I thought for a second just now that I was growing Black Ape Hair on my knuckles, but it’s just the marker from admission last night. Ew.

And Now It’s Monday
So I’m going to make a pot of Red Rose and watch Kids in the Hall on DVD (Season one, Episode 19, then start in on Season 2). Also, I started reading the curious incident of the dog in the nighttime by Mark Haddon the other day, while waiting for my ride in the band’s Chevy, and it is FUCKING AMAZING. So I’ll probably read some more of that too. And maybe the Q and I will take Celeste for a walk, since it got sunny today.

Contemplating a Countdown
I might be risking my mental health, but I’m considering a countdown to when Ryan’s band (aka TMWWIAIL) is back in town. They are supposed to be in Vancouver again on July 17th, and might play Victoria the weekend thereafter. Ick, July 17th is really far away. I hate the idea of looking forward to the almost-end of summer. So NO COUNTDOWN. I need a hobby. Maybe I’ll run some more. Or make a quilt. Or write something brilliant.

Getting Picked-Up By the Bus Driver – May 24, 2005
BUS DRIVER: You look very nice today. Very nice indeed.

I’m not sure how I feel about this. Certainly disoriented — I’m not used to being:
1. complimented by my bus driver;
2. complimented at 6:45 am when I’m still half-asleep.

I think it might be the dress. Not only am I dressed like a 25 year old today; my dress has progressively ripped from the bottom up in the past few months, so the slit in the middle now reveals a fair bit of thigh. Inappropriately sexy for work? Maybe. To compensate, I brushed my hair today.

Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch
I dreamt that I missed today’s rowing practice. However, I also dreamt that it was storming outside, so I didn’t feel TOO badly.

Also
I am currently awaiting postcards from:
– Jessie (Tuscany or someplace)
– Momma (Ireland)
– TMWWIAIL (B.C. ferry and/or Vancouver).

And In Other News – May 24, 2005 – 3:39 pm
Q and I had lunch with my new friend Shawn today. I’ve only ever communicated with Shawn via email — he just moved from London, Ontario, and I’ve been trying to help him get a job here, as a friend of a friend. He’s very smart, I suspect. He wrote his Master’s thesis on themes of masculinity in Fight Club. That is fricking brilliant. Also, he’s tall and pretty. And potentially straight (I no longer assume these things). A great asset to our company, all around.

The BoxSpring of Dooooooom
Ever since I obtained my new loft bed my ratty ’70’s boxspring has been sitting in the entranceway of the house, hoping for some poor student to adopt it. Today I have given up, and some guy named Pete is going to take it away for me.

Which is quite ironic, considering that it was Peter the Alpha Bun’s industrious chewing that disqualified the boxspring as a charitable donation.

“Peter”
I’m glad I’m not named Peter. It’s a fine enough name, and certainly the best name possible for an Alpha House Rabbit, but it’s not a very good human name. Too many Cottontail associations.

Oh, Did I Mention That I’m A Genie? – May 25, 2005
I am a Walking Breathing Drinking Good Luck Charm. Hold me tight and rub my belly — I will turn the stoplights green for you and make that wart disappear.

In Other News
I was scanning the news stories from last night and there was one on the Burn Victims’ fundraiser at the Pacific Coliseum, which is where TMWWIAIL & his boyz played last night. And whatdyaknow, I watched it and there’s a quick shot of them doing sound check stuff on the stage. Full on CLOSE UP ROCKSTAR SHOT of TMWWIAIL.

The Connection Here Being
TMWWIAIL rubbed my belly and twelve hours later he’s on BCTV evening news as a PNE RockStar. Just imagine what would happen if he gave me a massage.

Also
I’d really like a massage.

Atomic Vaudeville, Episode #12 – May 25, 2005 – 6:48 pm
This is the strangest feeling. I am PERFECTLY HAPPY. I keep thinking of my group date tonight, with Liv & Spencer & his sister Jill, and of how, in an hour or so, we’ll all be sitting together waiting for the show to start at Atomic Vaudeville’s monthly cabaret. NORMALLY I dread commitments. NORMALLY I get all anxious about the zero-hour approaching, even when it’s for an event that I CHOSE and really want to happen, and I get restless and wish I could just go to bed. But tonight I’m really truly actually looking forward to my planned event. Stressfree. Worry free. Nothing but warm rushes and comedy to look forward to.

Ugh – May 26, 2005
I felt like death this morning. I didn’t bother eating before the show and Liv and I lived up the drunken quota Jessie & I have set. I remember:
– laughing a lot
– the barguy offering to hold the last bottles of Grower’s Pear in reserve for us
– walking CAREFULLY onstage to mix Easy Bake chocolate cake mix in a martini glass
– Spencer getting a special public birthday invitation to have a 3some with the Bush Twins (he loves them)
– eating a BigMac and the Best French Fries I Have Ever Eaten In My Entire 25 Years Of Existing
– trying to write TMWWIAIL an email without being able to see, because I forgot my glasses at Q’s house.

Fun fun fun . . . I can’t wait until next month. It’s their Best In Show episode and they’ll be resurrecting all the best skits from the year. I voted for:
– One Man The Matrix
– Coyote Ugly bar dance
– The Bush Twins’ lesbiams & fembianism skit
– Star Trek, starring Mike Delamont as Captain Kirk.
If anyone would like to join our Primo Front Row Table, please let me know. Jessie will be back from Italy by then, and I’m SURE Liv will come if she can. The dates are June 29& 30 (Wednesday & Thursday).

SUMMERTIME!!!! – May 26, 2005
It is summer outside. Blue sky, HOT HOT HOT, sunshine and everything is neon. In a good way.

When I say that I hate Victoria, I really just mean that I’m restless and bored and want something new. Victoria itself, despite being a little biosphere of non-weather and old white couples, is fine. My discontent is only a reflection of my impatient nature.

Maybe I just need a really good, long vacation.

Deja Vu Conversations – May 26, 2005 – 8:10 pm
RANDOM GUY: Hey, Heather.
HEATHER: Hiya. What’re you up to?
RANDOM GUY: Going to work / home / et cetera.
HEATHER: I’m on a quest to find confetti / french fries / et cetera.
RANDOM GUY: Oh yah. So what’s new with you? Are you seeing anyone?
HEATHER: I’m in love.
RANDOM GUY: With that comedian guy? Levi whatever?
HEATHER: No, no. That’s over. I’m in love with a real person.
RANDOM GUY: Does he know you’re in love with him?
HEATHER: Yep.
RANDOM GUY: That’s good. Does he live here?
HEATHER: No. He’s a RockStar and he’s on tour.
RANDOM GUY: Ah.
HEATHER: It’s a little band, from Richmond. They’re good people. I think they’re in Edmonton / Saskatoon / wherever today.
RANDOM GUY: How does he feel about you?
HEATHER: I think he’s in love with me too.
RANDOM GUY: Oh. Well, good luck with that.
HEATHER: Thanks.
RANDOM GUY: We should have coffee sometime.
HEATHER: Tea.
RANDOM GUY: Right.
HEATHER: Okay, bye.

In Other News
My rowers did really well tonight! We weren’t as fast as we could have been for the time trials, but the strokes were clean and no one “caught a crab” (i.e. got their blade — that means oar — caught in the water). I was appropriately bossy and my rowers said I did a great job. We didn’t hit anything, and I managed to yell the whole time without giggling. I’ll let you know how we did when the results are posted tomorrow. The average time, apparently, is between 130 and 150 seconds to row 500 metres. And Coach Fraser said we looked great, so I expect us to be somewhere on the fast end.

Then we ate pizza and drank coke and I walked home with a belly that stuck out over my pants. Honestly, it’s as if my Government weight migrates around my body. Sometimes I have a second chin, sometimes I look pregnant, blah blah blah. Regardless, I have excellent self-esteem and my chameleon body only adds to the fact that I find the world HILARIOUS.

Still, I’m considering lifting weights or SOMETHING to get my arm-girth under control . . . but maybe that was just the BigMac I had last night . . .

Yucky Moment
I just rubbed my cheek and there’s a salty patch where Gorge Water splashed me, then dried. I HAVE GORGE ON MY FACE. I need a shower. EW.

Jean-Vive the Princess’s Laureat – May 27, 2005
I was walking down Fort and this guy kept diagonalling across the road. Then at a stop light he commented on the sunshine and I concurred that it would be hot today – 29-degrees, I’ve heard – and we walked to Starbucks together. Jean-Vive (is that a name??) said that springtime birds & flowers give his heart butterflies, and he described silky leaves as “tasty,” and then he showed me his sketchbook. It has black pages and he draws in pen & pencil crayon.

There were:

two drawings of cars (one sporty thing, one minivan);
five houses with Escher-like perspective, which apparently all belong to “The Princess”;
flowers (including one drawing of “Magical Flowers”);
one airplane;
one space gun;
one space motorbike;
the console of the airplane: one version included a co-pilot seat;
the living room, bedroom, and observatory of The Princess’s House;
a portrait of his sister, when happy.

In Other News
I forgot until today, but Q and I are going to a schmancy dress-up event this weekend. I get to wear Grown-Up Clothes and be aloof.

Also, I am babysitting Celeste tonight. I think I might be bonding with Liv at some point as well, but we planned whatever it was while drinking at Atomic Vaudeville so I can’t remember what the hell we said.

Movie 1 of 3: Closer – Friday, May 27, 2005 – 11:49 pm
Q said I’d hate it because of the infidelity. I am a passionate monogamist, thanks to my parents (and my inability to multitask), and yes I did SCREAM at the tv when Julia Roberts & co. kissed those other than their designated partners in love.

HEATHER: No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don’t Do It!!!!!!

BUT saving grace was Jane Jones / Alice Ayers, the young one. The stripper. She had the best sort of attitude re: love. And she never cheated. At first I thought she was a weenie for being so dependent on the writer-guy, but then she got strong and it is HER version of love that I like. NOT cynical. Open and Honest and Sexy.

And I love it that at the end she’s walking and all the guys on the sidewalk turn to stare at her. Because while it might be because she’s beautiful, it’s ALSO because she’s the best at love and that makes her all shiny & pretty.

Next Up: Sideways
And yet another load of laundry. I have too many clothes.

Heaven = Q’s Rooftop Patio – Sunday, May 29, 2005 – 12:54 am
In addition to my new hammock, we also have a rug and camping chairs and a wading pool (which took 50,000 buckets of water to fill, fireline-style) + Neighbour Ben’s hibachi grill, Christmas lights, another rug, and a BEER FRIDGE.

Needless to say, I had a great Saturday. We grew from me and Celeste, to four of us, to eight, then Q & I left for his Grown Up Rotary Fundraiser Dinner, then we came back to a dozen or so rooftop boozers. Ben and I are contemplating setting up our Christmas trees. Tiki torches. Volleyball court.

Watching Team America
So good. I really love the “panthers.”

And Then, After the Rooftop Patio
Leland wanted to go to Keroake, so we went to Soprano’s which Q & I have never been to. Leland sang “Take Me Out” and it was groovy. Two girls danced, and I cheered like a wild thing.

Songs That I Might One Day Sing @ Keroake:

“Dream” by Fleetwood Man (Q & I do a sweet duet)
“Did I Shave My Legs For This” (hopefully with my boyz as backup)
“Deeper Than the Holler(?)” by Randy Travis (childhood memories)

I love singing. I would have gone onstage but it was busy and the boyz wanted to leave because it would have taken too long to get our turn(s). Also, I have had about 6 ciders today and been awake for 17 hours and I find those factors make me braver.

Life As a Groupie . . .
is pretty fucking dull when the RockStar’s out of the province. I’ve temporarily retired my Groupie persona in favour of that steadfast favourite: Fruit Fly. It’s so much easier. And since I’m getting more physical affection from Leland & Lance these days than TMWWIAIL, it’s also a more practical lifestyle.

Speaking of Lance
One of my most recently-met ‘mos & a favourite . . . he was sunning himself on the rooftop and he took his shirt off. Now, I’m not a muscle girl, but he has biceps that look like baseballs and man-boobs (in a good way). Yiminy. I noticed a lot of the other boyz were having trouble completing their sentences.

Tomorrow
Is brunchy brunch. We go and eat bagels and jam and drink OJ & champagne and devour eggs benny, etc. We wait for one of my various ex-boyfriends (gay and/or straight) to show up. We get our Tarot Cards read, and the boyz compare skin care products, and we gossip about who is where and what’s going on in June. Quinn eats the fruit garnishes on my plate. And THEN . . .

Back To The Rooftop Patio 🙂

Sith Happens – Sunday, May 29, 2005 – 10:36 pm
An excellent weekend altogether. I am sunny and calm and I spent all day with beautiful beautiful men.

After a day of brunch and drinking / pooling / napping on the roof, we went to see Star Wars III – The somethingsomething Sith and it was groovy. I’m in love with Natalie Portman. NOT because of Star Wars, but because of Closer. It was a pleasant surprise to run into her again at Silver City. Also, I liked it when Anikan/Darth Vader got his legs burned off. Haha.

Uber-Cynic
I’ve found my Arch Nemesis. Adam is a young’un — 21 or something, I think — but he’s the most cynical person I’ve ever met. We grate on each other. Also, he smokes.

Smoking & Why I Hate It
I respect free choice, but when one person’s choice interferes with another person’s choice it is NOT OKAY. I choose to drink, but I wouldn’t spike a non-drinker’s beverage. Other examples of inconsiderate choices: rape, murder, theft, and most other CRIMINAL activities. They are criminal because they demonstrate a lack of respect for another person’s choice to not partake in the activity.

Also, to be fair, I don’t mind when people smoke around me. Usually. Most smokers I know are considerate and they will position themselves downwind, and not smoke in closed spaces, and will not ash all over your pizza. Or whatever.

BUT when this consideration is not shown I get pissy. Why the fuck is your decision to harm yourself more important than my decision NOT to? If I was pregnant, I can only hope Inconsiderate Smokers would be a little more aware of the repurcussions of their actions. But why would that make a difference? They don’t want to hurt my baby– Why is it okay to hurt me?

Fuckers.

Anyhoo, that’s my rant. Good night.

Jessie’s Back From Italy!!!!!!! – Monday, May 30, 2005
YAY!!!!!!!!!

AND Justin got a super sweet amazing dream job with Microsoft down in Seattle, which is the best thing ever (for him). We are all very very proud. (I want a Mini Cooper for Christmas, please, Super J.)

Too Many Words
When I’m not writing something big and focused I get verbal diareah (how do I spell that? Weird word). Q thought I was drunk today while walking Celeste on Dallas Road, but NO I’m just FULL of WORDS and they spew out like embarrassing word-farts. I need a good idea.

Or . . . I Could Make a Career Change
I want to be an Old Navy commercial dancing girl.

About Surrey – Tuesday, May 31, 2005 – 3:56 pm
I’m leaving for two days, to go to a work thingy in Surrey. Yay, Surrey. Yep. How exotic is that? Very exotic.

I AM excited about:
– the airplane
– the hotel
– the Moxie’s in the hotel.

And I have a Super Special Grown Up expense account to charge taxi rides, food, et cetera to. So that will be fun.

Bunnies are the best pets in the world, not only for the obvious reasons (??) but also because they can fend for themselves if I run away for a few days. In fact, I suspect they prefer it when they have the house to themselves.

Peter’s Pedicure
I was motivated to cut Peter’s nails yesterday. They are getting quite long and I was worried the new downstairs neighbour would hate me. So I clipped them, despite a lot of anxiety from both Peter & me. He seems okay, though, despite the trauma, and is (of course) eating right now. And I didn’t hear him scurry around last night on the hardwood.

Other Adventures
Tonight is my last rowing practice before the regatta this Saturday!!! And it’s sunny outside, after a day of rain, so that’s good. And Friday I’m playing Groupie with Liv for some band. I have Belfry tickets for earlier that night, so I’m hoping we can do a Culture/Rock combo.

Little Spitfire

April 2005

April 13, 2005 Heather Leave a comment

Loose Ends Get Tied – April 2, 2005, 12:16 am

It’s been a busy week, what with writing love letters to Ryan and drinking martinis & so on. For example.

Quote of the Week
JESSIE: I can’t believe it’s 2005. That’s when Tylenol expires.

Namaste
Wednesday is Healthy Hell Day, because that’s when Q and I torture ourselves with a sweaty yoga class instead of the usual after-work alcohol and nappy naps. We learned a bunch of new poses this week, two of which I actually enjoyed.

The first is like playing leap frog – you sit back on your feet, knees raised to shoulders, and place your hands (like you’re praying) between your knees. Strangely comforting. Made me think of froggies, and therefore Kermit, with whom I have ALWAYS been in love. Warm rush.

The second pose is standing up with legs spread eagled, knees slightly bent, hands on hips and chin up. I feel very Amazon-warrior-esque with this one.

Genital Herpes
My favourite commercials of all time. They’re all so chipper and positive – AND THEY HAVE GENITAL HERPES!!!! ew. It’s surreal – I kept expecting a laughtrack, like it’s an SNL/Air Farce skit or something.

Family Bondage
My momma and dadders are coming to visit!!!!! They’ve been lured by the Tall Ships Festival here in Victoria – Daddy really loves his boats.

I was mapping out my “vacation days” for the next few months, and I have a lot of nifty keen adventures coming up, including a few days in Nelson and a massage/pamper-fest on my birthday (APRIL 12, for those who want to mark it on their calendars — I’ll be TWENTY-FIVE, or as Daddy says, 1/3 of the way to death.

April Fools Day
I called my momma when she was still sleepy this morning and told her that Q and I were buying a house together because we make so much goddamn money. Q might be my Non-Romantic Life Partner (NRLP) but we are NOT good roomies, and my momma knows this, but she bought it — I knew it was exactly the sort of I Don’t Understand Heather Anymore Now That She’s A City Girl decision that she’d be too confused by to doubt – and voila! Despite knowing better, she believed me. I’m so funny.

MOM: Have you really thought this through?

And More On Atomic Vaudeville
I LOVE their cabaret shows. The next one is Episode 11: David Lynch, and I can’t remember who the hell that is although I know we studied him in my movie class. Mulholland Drive . . . and ?

Monthly attendance is a handy way to stay in touch with the theatre folks in town – Britt Small the Director, Gina MacIntosh the Actress (and Valentine Pilate from my play last summer), et cetera.

Movie I Just Saw & First Impressions
Q wanted to see Downfall or something – about Hitler’s last few days. I pointed out that we’d been working hard all week and the last thing we/I needed was a movie about Hitler.

So we saw Hitch. I love Will Smith (not as much as Johnny Depp but whatever), mainly because of Six Degrees of Seperation which has innoculated me ever since to Wild West and his other “feel good” movies. I like the occasional stupid movie, and (despite Will Smith’s charisma and the cast of uber-attractive actors) this was one. The plot is GOD AWFUL. But it was fun and I smiled a few times. Maybe laughed, I don’t really remember. That’s the point of stupid movies on Friday night.

Just for the hell of it, here are some of the movies I like enough to see more than once:
Kevin Smith’s everything (although Chasing Amy is painful in parts, and I love Mallrats even though apparently no one else in the whole world does); Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas; Chicago (which I only saw recently and it made me want to be a singer/dancer/broadway musical star); The Hours; Memento; The Princess Bride; Reality Bites (Ben Stiller’s one great work of art); and the newer version of Hamlet with Ethan Hawk. I spent that whole movie staring at Julia Stiles, thinking how she was the most beautiful woman/girl ever and how I wouldn’t mind being her, if I couldn’t be me.

Fin (as in “done”)
I’m FULL of words today – pent up from the week, I think. I’ll continue tomorrow/later today.

Watching The Incredibles – April 2, 2005, 11:56 pm
It’s reassuring to know that there are other superheroes in the world.

Kryptonite
the back of my neck – the smell of cut grass – when a manvoice cracks – Kermit singing – yellow – Kerouac, reading – hot showers – sunshine – a bass voice – tall men – Louis Armstrong – Tom Waits – chocolate pudding with “scotch bonnets” (whatever the hell that is) – Skipper & Kevin (Barbie’s teen sister et al) – swing – Eminem – Seamus’s fur – lemon cheesecake with bits o’ rind – Buddy Holly glasses – eyebrows

Commentary on DVD
I have yet to understand the purpose of Director’s commentary, out-takes, alternate scenes, etc. THERE IS A REASON THEY WERE DELETED. I don’t like my “temporary suspension of reality” being tampered with; I don’t appreciate some self-important movie snot telling me what to think. The ONLY enjoyable “bonus” on any movie I’ve seen were “out-takes” of Monster’s Inc. Meta-fiction: the only justification.

When I Grow Up
I want to have a bunch of comfy lawn furniture outside and invite friends & family over every Sunday to have tea.

“Growing Up” will be achieved once my student loan is paid off and I decide where I want to live. I’m trapped here in Victoria for another year or two by a Dream Job, but I don’t expect that I’ll live here as a Grown Up. Nelson, maybe? I’ve never been there, but it sounds like a healthy mix of arts + viable work opportunities, Victoria + Invermere. Q wants me to move to Vancouver with him sometime, but Vancouver scares me – it’s so big! The only neighbourhood I feel comfortable in (so far) is Davie’s Street (the gay village), and we all know how ruinous that would be for me.

Speaking of Which
When in Richmond, Q and I heard KENT KAREMAKER on the radio!!!!!!!! It was so weird. I think it was the Duncan station (Sun FM?) but to hear his news broadcast in Vancouver made me so proud of him! He sounds very professional.

Birthday Plans, Thus Far
I don’t work on the 12th or 13th (vacation days – yay!), so I will sleep in and drink tea, snuggle with bunnies, and revel in being 25. Also, my present to myself this year is a spa day – massage, etc. Jessie and I are going for MAC makeovers (our second ever – the last time, I had whore-Barbie eyes for two days after). Our big birthday dinner is on Saturday, to accomodate drinking and guest attendance. I have seats for eight (including me) for a 3-course dinner, and guests so far include: Q, Jessie, Justin, Liv, and hopefully Spencer. I’m trying to get Q to invite Regan and Ryan over (as my “surprise” birthday gift – a sexy tall artist man with a big red bow on his head!). Q says that crosses the line: he’ll take me grocery shopping and lend me his car, but delivering snuggle-partners is wrong. He’s so moral!

After dinner, we might go to Upstairs or Prism. Or play games and bond at Q’s? I like being the Superstar of the Night – everyone has to do whatever I want!

It’s all my parents’ fault. They gave us excellent birthdays. (Balloon chairs . . .)

Confession to Inappropriate Anger Management
Peter is chewing on the wood trim again. This is a heritage house – I usually stop him, and give him something appropriate to play with, but the fuckers below me (including the landlord’s son) are having another loud scream-fest so screw it. Chew, bunny! Chew!

On another note (although I think this relates to the passive-agressive symptoms of my anxiety disorder) I sometimes get sudden strong urges to swear around small children. An interesting mental-health development.

Mike Bullard – April 3, 2005
He is such an ass.

Recent Additions to My Movie Collection
Moulin Rouge (another inspiration for my Broadway career) and Six Degrees of Separation.

Writing to Ryan – April 3, 2005
After Levi MacDougall, I can never have a worse penpal. While I was magically able to continue my one-sided relationship with Levi for a good eight months, it sure takes a lot of energy to sustain that sort of unreciprocated attention.

Ryan, on the other hand, gives me just enough positive feedback that I don’t get bored or worried that I’m “crossing the line” (where the hell is this line? What does it look like?). Victoria has transformed me into a Huntress, and while I like the confidence and finesse involved in being an Actively Single Woman, I get tired of choosing the wrong huntees. It makes me happy to have someone to write letters to and love, even long-distance.

So thanks for that

Monday Monday – April 4, 2005
Q and I just watched The Final Cut, with Robin Williams. I like it; Q thinks it’s stupid. Also, my laundry is almost done. So that’s great.

Oh, and I saw The Forgotten after work (Julianne Moore) and that was okay but it got all weird and extraterrestrial and uber-dramatic at the end.

Birthday Plans, Thus Far
Jessie and I are getting MAC makeovers for before my B-Day dinner. They weren’t going to let us – fully booked, some lame excuse like that, but I stomped my foot and said “It’s my birthday!” and so now we have appointments.

On my actual birthday-day I am going to the spa courtesy of my Non-Romantic Life Partner Q . . . he’s a superstar and I am excited.

A Word From Q
Ugh.

Crazy – April 4, 2004, 8:36pm
I need to grow up.

Confessions of Excessive Napping – April 5, 2005
I was home at 3 or so today, and made my bed with flannel sheets (yummy) and slept until 8pm. LOVELY.

Intervention, Episode #?
I still find these people obnoxious. One of the interventees today is especially grating – he’s a gambling addict and actively blames his parents for everything, including:

– his ruined relationship with his extended family (because his parents have “made it so that he can’t borrow money from any of them”);

– his personal debt ($200,000), because he lived a “sheltered” life and was susceptible to addiction (he doesn’t include the $80,000 debt his parents carry for him);

– trying to make him feel grateful for their financial help with his debts, because “it’s just a drop in the bucket.”

INTERVENTEE: It’s my personal view that when you have kids, you are responsible for them their entire life.

Oh gees.

Birthday Complications
My silly goober NRLP Q remembered that he’s flying to Vernon on the 15th for a wedding. Stupid wedding! Stupid forgetting!! This screws up my dinner plans, since I HAVE to have my Non-Romantic Life Partner there at my birthday dinner.

So I think what we’ll do is replace my dinner night with two (or more!) events: a dinner a week later, and a night with the girls at the strippers 🙂 I first saw male strippers on my twenty-first birthday. A bunch of icky short men with amazing aerobatic abilities . . . it is SO MUCH FUN. A great study in human nature.

Moment of Love for Celeste the Maltese Terrier
Celeste is sick. Fever, shivering, little bit o’ puke. Let’s take a breath and love her.

How Can So Much Be Done In a Day?? – April 6, 2005
Maybe leftover guilt tendencies from university or eldest child perfectionism or plain mad drive — there is so much to be done and created and read and watched and thought about — and sometimes it feels like there will never be enough of me to take it all in, process, regurgitate back into pretty, (un)palateable translation.

And then sometimes I see someone else who feels the same, and I watch them capture every butterfly and whack every mole, and they still keep running around – and I think how amazing it is that great things are accomplished every day when so many others just sit and watch Maury Pauvich or sleep or drink or ride their comfy rut home to their beer or drug or nap. (Not that I don’t also revel in my cold cider and sleep too much.)

An active life burns out the liver (hee hee) quickly – mental health issues because we take in so much shit from the world, because we spend so much time inside our own heads ruminating and having epiphanies and translating and being sad at all the sad things in the world. One drug might be chemical; another might be to stop thinking, stop interacting, settle into an automatic existence. I’ve been told too many times that life is happy + sad . . . life is also numb + open . . . and that means thinking about why a movie makes you feel lonely at the end, and why country songs make you cry, and why it’s so crazy beautiful to see a blue sky after four months of clouds.

Limited Empathy Capability
And then again, all these thoughts and hypotheses on mental health and I am limited – I still doubt that I am medicated for a “health” reason, that it’s me that limits me. What about those with no control? I have never had that discussion . . . everyone I’ve talked to with crazy-issues is reacting to something else. No genetics, no purely chemical innate shit. I want to have that discussion.

Writing to Ryan – April 6, 2005
Made a CD today – hope it works – or three:
1. Kerouac
2. Kerouac
3. Ani DiFranco (because . . .)

It is doable to combine music + poetry/writing on a disc. Even Eminem does it. Ani is the pinnacle of Finesse.

Ani DiFranco is Really Great – April 7, 2005
I always forget how much Ani makes me happy, and then I accidentally hear a song and it’s Love At First Sight all over again.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALEX!!!! – April 8, 2005
Happy Birthday Alex!!! (Because you live in Ottawa and it’s already April 9th over there . . .) Wish I could be there to spank your sexy ass . . .

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALEX!!! – April 9, 2005
21 . . . ah yes, I remember 21.

Actually, I don’t 🙂

INCREDIBLY EXCITING NEWS OHMIGOD
I have never liked this bulky web address, so I now have a new one. (!!!!) It’s already sort of working, but I used older pages to test it, so give me some time and we’ll start using that new site.

Address: www.littlespitfire.ca

Isn’t that BRILLIANT???? I feel so web-sexy. Also, there is LOTS of space on this site, so I can post way more photos, archives, etc. If I can figure out how to make a pretty slide show, I will do that . . .

Random News From the Front
So much has happened lately, and I never seem to have time to write it down here. Anyhoo, let’s get started:

I waxed my armpit last night. Yep. I always wanted to try it – how convenient would that be?! No shaving armpits for weeks on end! So I experimented with my left one, and results include: ouch! also, not all the pit hair was gone – about 1/4 was waxed off. I suspect smaller strips would do the job, but that’s a lot more agony to undergo. It was achy until I fell asleep, but I can’t feel it this morning. No redness or weird bumps, etc. I shall report back later with any developments.

Q’s momma is visiting. Perhaps Suzanne was lured by her love for her son, perhaps by the World’s Curling event . . . regardless of motivation, we’ve enjoyed some special dinners, at Moxie’s and the Forum (best Chinese food in town). Today Suzanne has a hair appointment with our beloved gay Mormon stylist, Spencer. They keep wanting to spend time with me, and I’m busy emotionally and spiritually preparing myself for my 25th Birthday, so it’s difficult to navigate. But how lovely to have someone (in addition to Celeste) to assist with the Daily Attention Requirements of my darling Petunia, Q!

As for the bunnies, Peter slept at my feet last night. I love it when he does that – it’s as if I have a real house pet, instead of a demanding, dependent roommate. Also, my hair is intact this morning, and there are no displaced poops to report, so everything is perfect. He’s currently gobbling his food . . . there must be crack or sugar in those pellets.

Caramel & Seamus need their water bottles refilled today, and perhaps I’ll clear some more of their winter straw. They seem fairly content these days. I’m looking forward to the sunny weather so we can all play together on the porch.

Oh, I almost forgot!

Heather & Higher Education
I am going to get my MFA in Creative Writing. Well, I’m going to apply to get my MFA in Creative Writing. UBC just started a new “Low Residency” MFA program, which will only require my physical presence in Vancouver for 10 days each summer. The rest of the year I can wander around or work or whatever, as long as I have a decent computer hookup. This means that I will be able to AFFORD my MFA! Wow, what an idea! No debt?!

For those who don’t know, a Masters in Fine Arts (Creative Writing) is not exactly a career-advancing move. Either I will be a Great Writer or I won’t. But the work that a Masters requires will motivate me to write complete stories/plays/novels etc, and it will inspire me to WANT to be a Great Writer. The thesis I have to write at the end is not the usual 300,000 word essay on molecular Shakespearean intergovernmental trade, as it is for most disciplines. I get to write a novel or short story collection or play. So there.

I apply with my portfolio in December . . . until then I will write more pieces to submit, and build on my publication credits, and maybe produce another play. Also, I will feel like a SuperStar for not selling out to my generous government paycheck. It’s odd, how comforting it is to have this next goal in mind. At 25, I’ve done the checklist of highschool, university, having long-term relationships, developing life long friends, living alone, having a Grown Up Job, blah blah blah. The only thing left (in my eldest child mind) was to fall in love, get married, and have babies (not necessarily in that order). But we can’t control those things, and this MAKES ME CRAZY. So grad school is a neat, safe little addition to my Life’s To-Do List. And I can control it. Sort of.

(This is not to say that I am not in love. But my love lives in Richmond and has his own Adventures to survive, so I’ve got some time to kill.)

On Love
I am tired of being the active one in my love relationships. Where’s the happy compromise between “stalking” and “participating in a mutually-affectionate relationship”? The men who approach me are, necessarily, Victoria men. This means that they are NOT for me (i.e. short, pale, slightly inbred in appearance). The rare Non-Victoria men are transient and therefore only to be found in transient locations, like UVic.

This dilemma explains my interest in Far-Away men (i.e. Toronto, Richmond). But unless they are motivated penpals, there’s really no reciprocation, and that’s just frustrating.

Yes, I have to move. But I’m not ready to move: I still have student loans to pay off, and my work is Victoria-based work.

Meanwhile, Let’s Self-Medicate with Movies!
I started Moulin Rouge last night, for the second time . . . I LOVE this movie. I think I’ll watch some more now.

A Word Regarding Joel Kroeker – April 10, 2005, 7:04am
I saw him as the opening act for Hawksley Workman sometime last year, and he was the best part of my night. And he’s short. (!)

He sang Hallejula and it was the most amazing moment – oftentimes, like this morning, I want that song and it’s not on my Joel Kroeker cd and I can’t find it on iTunes and I’m terrified of kazaa et al, so I must live without.

Story: Joel Kroeker, when introducing the song, said he’d had a very scary, important moment in his life and that Hallejula helped him through it. After the show, when Hawksley was finally out of costume changes, Joel Kroeker was by the exit and I asked if I could hug him. He was the most beautiful person I’d ever met, you see, and he seemed so sad. I hugged him and asked him what the moment was, and in true Out Of The Blue Straight-Forward Fuck Reality style he said he was going to kill himself but that song stopped him.

Moment of sadness for a world without Joel Kroeker.

I want to tell him that he can call me anytime he feels sad and I will explain to him that he makes this world more beautiful and we need him in it.

Current Status Report
Dunno if I’m still drunk or just tired. No matter when I go to bed I always wake up early, thanks to work hours. Also, last night I did Celebrate Goodbye Age 24 thing and intentionally didn’t eat before going out to the comedy show. Thusly, 3 pear ciders and I was looped. Moments like watching Punch Drunk Love occured and I’m still not sure if time stayed linear last night. Causality? Pshaw. Regardless, my head is heavy and I’m cold. I think the temperature is due to FREEZING GODDAMN APARTMENT oh and I left the window open last night. I should go close that mo’fo.

Comedy Show
The jiff martin comedy show with special guests atomic vaudeville and Spilt Milk improv was my excuse for drinking and loving last night. Lovely lovely feel good evening: Q and Spencer and Jessie, Justin, Jessica, theatre people, and others. Technically it was a fundraiser for Open Doors (for Victoria folks in need) but in reality it was a drunken fest and near-brawl. (Not really, just like the word “brawl.”)

Atomic Vaudeville showed off some of their best stuff: The One Man the Matrix, the Vaghina Monopause, Thriller, and probably some other things. The Matrix wasn’t as amazing as last time because they didn’t use cool pictures to represent the Multiple Mr. Smiths, but still it was hi-larious. (Flashbacks to drunken reenactment of skit with Jessie at Q’s Bring Your Own Stranger party . . . in skirts, nonetheless.)

Anyhoo so then Jessie & Justin went home because Justin was being difficult and wanted Jessie to drive him to the ferry Sunday morning at 7am. Silly Justin. We went to the Joint and I ate two slices of old pepperoni pizza. And Jessica wandered over to Darcy’s and Q & I . . . I think I’m missing something, but eventually we were at Prism and Spencer was dancing like the beautiful man he is, and Q and I talked about something, and then we left and I taxied home. The driver was nice and had an earring.

Yep.

Last Day At 24 – April 11, 2005
I don’t feel different yet — but then I still have 15 more hours until I turn 25. Apparently I’m still impatient.

I have a few birthday traditions that I’ve made for myself. First off, I spoil me. Strangely, I haven’t yet got myself a gift, which I usually do. Past years’ gifts include: a necklace & bracelet; a quilt I made myself; my computer. Actually, that was my UVic grad present, but whatever.

I’m considering a “divan coverer” or whatever it’s called, because my quilt has been chewed up by Peter over the years. Or maybe . . . yeah, I don’t need anything. How funny.

Anyhoo, another tradition is to write a letter, or more like a summary, of where I am and what I’d like to do this next year. I have one from last year to read, but I’m going to write this year’s first so that I’m honest.

Now’s a good time, post-dinner and waiting for Rick Mercer’s Monday Report . . .

. . . Okay, done. That was weird. I wrote my letter, then opened up the envelope and there was a blank survey inside, for me to fill out and then compare answers to previous years. I love surveys — how funny that I’d account for this. I know me so well.

Anyhoo, some answers were word-for-word identical. For example, I want to travel to Greece, Peru, and South Africa. This year, I got to write a (future) date for Greece, so that was thrilling. Also, under “accomplishments” I listed “self-sufficiency” again . . .

Now I’m going to have a bath. Because I can. Because I’m self-sufficient.

Writing to Ryan – April 11, 2005
Douglas Coupland is talking about Terry Fox on CBC. Why is Douglas Coupland . . ? Ah, it seems he wrote a biography or something.

It’s sorta sickly surreal to watch a cultural icon monologue on a cultural icon. I wonder if other people will feel this strange when CBC interviews you on knowing me, on being the addressee of my letters.

Or the other way around, and I write a Broadway SuperShow about Ryan the Rockstar, and meanwhile you’re all Rockstar and shit, and you’re not sure if you should sue my ass or just tolerate, as you always have, my affection.

No, let’s make me the really famous one. It’s my birthday tomorrow.

B-Day D-Day – April 12, 2005
I actually managed to sleep in, after a brief moment of restlessness at 5:35am! Peter and I had a lovely snuggle on the couch, and he tried to groom my housecoat for awhile. So a good Birthday so far.

I initially had planned to run around the block this morning to celebrate my newfound healthiness, but it is too cold and windy for that sort of behaviour. I am also newly mature, you see. So I will drink a pot of tea and then leisurely make my way to the spa.

Yay birthdays! And 25 feels like a nicely even number, considering that it’s odd. (I like even numbers – they are symmetrical.) 25 is the square of 5 (or something – I can’t remember mathematical terminology anymore) and it has always pleased me numerically.

Anyhoo.

25 Years Worth of Wisdom – April 13, 2005, 12:16am
I am butter. Q’s present of a spa day was ridiculous luxury. My back and shoulders are mushy, my fingernails are perfect and Barbie-pink, my toenails are perfect and Hooker-red. I smell so good from 5 hours of oils and lotions and etc. that Q kept commenting on it, which is unusual. I’m so used to:

QUINN: Your feet stink. Put your shoes in the hall and go wash your feet.

I had happy birthdays from Alex, Jessie, Momma & family, Grammas Walker and Demone, Shawn from London Ontario, the folks at work . . . and there’s something large and bulky on my porch, which is either from the bunnies or Kim, my neighbour and the Bunnies’ Fairy Godmother.

And I came home to find a package o’ love from Ryan in my mailbox, and now I’m all mushy inside.

Perfect birthday.

Oh, and I bought a tiara. For the weekend.

Tea & Repaired Hair – April 13, 2005, 6:48pm
Spencer revived my broomstick hair this morning! I missed it. And now I’m short-banged and frazzled yet again — back to the way I’m meant to be.

And then I went for tea at the White Heather with Aunt Pat, and Uncle Craig came along too, for my birthday tea. The food there is so good, and Mad Hatter tea is the best. It was really great to have some time with P&C — they might be going to Paris this year, and that will be exciting for them. Apparently Pat retired last May but I’m a gomer so didn’t realize it until Mom mentioned it last week. I like it when people do what makes them happy. It’s rare.

And then and then
I managed to talk Q into skipping yoga/pilates today, even when half-asleep. Now I get to drink cider and know that my kitchen dishes are clean, and I’m watching Medium and soon CSI on tape. Heaven.

Medium
The psychic’s kids are being all psychic and the parents are freaking out, with bizarre familiar guilt about “contaminating the gene pool” with their own weaknesses. Better fucked up than non-existent.

And Finally
Spencer & Q and I went to Luciano’s for steak and chicken and pasta. Yummy. Now I have a fridge full of leftovers, afternoon tea desserts and fresh tomato spaghetti. A good time for the apocalypse.

Goddamn Sleepless Night – April 14, 3:18 am
At first I couldn’t sleep because I’m busy ruminating on the riddles that Ryan sends me. Then I kept thinking of how to fix my stories or almost-stories, so I had to get up and write those down. And NOW the fuckers below me haven’t yet stopped their all-night scream fest.

But I am very proud of myself as SuperHero H-Bomb because I (finally) went downstairs and knocked REALLY LOUDLY AND ANNOYINGLY and said I had to get up for work in three hours and AAAGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (that was about as articulate as I got). So they said Sorry, Heather, Sorry, and told me to go to bed, and now they’re being loud again. I hate alcohol when I’m not the one drinking it.

I would watch some crap TV or even run around the block, because I’m wired and I can’t sleep anyways because they are so GODDAMN NOISY but I’m so exhausted that I’m shaking. So running isn’t a great idea. And TV? Well, I’m determined to take the high road and not contribute to the Ruckus in this house tonight.

So there. Moral righteousness triumphs again. (Or not.)

Giddy w/ Sleeplessness – April 14, 5:53 pm
I ran around the block — AND MORE — today!!!!!! Further than I’ve gone before . . . the sunshine was crazy bright and I’m powered by adrenalin due to lack o’ sleep . . . yay for me!

Writing to Ryan – April 14, 2005
How To Love A RockStar:
1.

I dunno. I’ve never loved a RockStar before. I’m more of a Tea-on-the-Couch-While-Watching-a-Movie-in-my-PJs kinda girl, not a giggly groupie. I giggle when I get tired, though . . . maybe that will help . . . ? And I’ve always wanted to be a groupie. Just for a little while. A monogamous groupie who bakes wicked pie . . . damn these domestic tendencies!!!

I wonder if he’ll write a Top o’ the Charts song for me — My #1 Fan Has Never Seen Me Play —

okay, that’s enough.

Moving to the City House – April 15, 2005
Q is off to a Vegan Wedding this weekend (that is so funny but it’s too long to explain so hahaha). I am doggy-sitting Celeste, which means that I am temporarily living at Q’s. Peter the Alpha House Rabbit wouldn’t like sharing his space with a dog, and so I’m the one who is inconvenienced. What the hell? Keep in mind, however, that Peter cuddled me and sat on my pillow and guarded me from the Forces of Darkness with his awe-inspiring bunniness all night, so this relationship is decidedly reciprocal . . . I’m such a mush. Anyhoo.

Also this weekend is Celebrate Heather’s Birthday With Girly Extravagence, and it will be handy to have Q’s urban apt as a downtown headquarters. What with the strippers and the vodka and such.

In Other News
Ryan is playing tonight, in Maple Ridge and we must all think happy RockStar thoughts so that everything goes A1 and maybe he gets all famous (or whatever he wants as an outcome) and then he can buy a private helicopter and fly over to visit me a lot. (Does that make me selfish? Whatever.) So everyone think STRONG UNBREAKABLE BASS STRINGS and CRAZY WILD SUPPORTIVE AUDIENCE and maybe even HAPPENSTANCE THAT PLACES KEY CONNECTION IN AUDIENCE WHEN S/HE IS SEARCHING FOR THE NEXT GREAT THING.

Strippers & MAC Makeovers & Martinis – April 17, 2005
I was a sexy 25 year old GODDESS last night. Post-MAC makeover (courtesy of Sabrina the future interior deesigner and current art student) I was ridiculously hot, as was galpal Jessie with her un-Jessie-like Cleopatra eye make up, and so we went all out and wore The Dresses that we bought after an entire day of searching in February. Pink spaghetti-straps for me; black salsa for Jessie. Yiminy.

We had dinner at Bravo’s (the best restaurant in town) and gorged on seafood & martinis.

And the strippers were alright — we went to the Boom Boom Room, where they have a “Ladies’ Night” every Saturday and buff, short men get naked in front of us while we drink. Yes, they’re short. And slimy. But they are also (eventually) naked.

FOR THOSE WHO DON’T KNOW: the essential difference between female & male strippers is that the (female-only) audience can touch and interact with the male strippers. Ew. But a lot of women take advantage of this — especially when out at a Stagette party or birthday or whatever. (In post-stripper analysis, it was decided that the male strippers were acting out a MALE fantasy of stripping, not the female fantasy. For example, female audience members would lie down on the stage while the strippers gyrated on top of them. Passive positioning!!!)

Eventually we returned to Bravo’s for chocolate lava cake (best ever ohmigod – baked when you order it).

Vodka, naked men, and chocolate. A good night. I have some great pictures, but they’ll have to wait until I’m home and can do my Camera Magic.

Meanwhile, I have a headache. I’m going to shower and play with my new make up, and hopefully there’s a greasy breakfast in my immediate future.

Also, My Gut
Apparently I’m losing weight. Jessie noticed a difference in Dress Worn in February and Same Dress, Worn Last Night. I suspect this might be due to eating fewer cheesey buns. I’m uncertain if it’s worth it — cheesey buns are so good.

New Simpsons Episode – April 17, 2005 – 8:04 pm
haha

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!! – April 18, 2005
I love ya.

Something Smells Pissy – April 18, 2005 – 4:41 pm
And I KNOW I didn’t pee on the couch/bed/floor/whatever so it must have been Peter. I am disappointed in his behaviour. HOWEVER, I did leave him alone for the weekend, so I kind of sorta deserve it. If only I could track down the source and vinegar-ized!

Self-Confidence & Photographic Evidence
I am a fairly self-involved person with a healthy dose of self-confidence, so the following is simply meant as an objective comment:

When did I get a second chin????????? Did that come with the boobs????????

Damn Government Gut. Damn those yummy cheesey buns and non-active work environment!

But there’s hope: I walked to work AND home today, and tomorrow our rowing team starts practicing. Sure, I’m not actually ROWING persay, just yelling, but technically I’m on a rowing team with twice-weekly practices.

Quote of the Day – April 18, 2005

“You can be a murderous tyrant and the world will remember you fondly but fuck one horse and you will be a horse fucker for all of eternity.”

– Catherine the Great

Summertime – April 19, 2005
Today has been a very good day. It’s summer outside, and so I walked from work to my first EVER rowing practice. There were many many many beautiful people at the dock, including a number of men who must have moved recently to Victoria because I SWEAR that they didn’t exist before today. Most of them were just little baby boys, including our rowing coach. Still, they are very pretty to look at.

Other perks of rowing include me being the coxswain, which means that I don’t have to lift/carry anything or exert myself physically. I just get to yell at everyone else. AND I get to say that I’m on a rowing team, which makes me sound athletic. And, as we all know, perception is reality.

Tonight
I have decided to do EXACTLY WHAT I WANT and go see Joel Kroeker and Andy Stochansky play. (I also want to helijet to Richmond and make Ryan bond with me, but that will have to wait.) Jessie is attending with me – and I can sleep in past my usual BIZARRE WORK HOURS start time because Co-Worker Duncan has gone crazy and wants to train on my job for another day. So I get to sleep in. (And if Ryan happened to appear at my door later tonight, I could very easily call in sick to work tomorrow. Ahem.)

On That Note
I decided at lunch today that I will no longer be bothering Ryan the Vancouver RockStar with my daily letters and messages o’ love. While I will probably still think of him often and have insightful conversations with him in my mind while walking to work or in the shower, I am starting to feel like a stalker and that makes me very uncomfortable. So I’m going cold-turkey. Except of course for random references to The Man With Whom I Am In Love (TMWWIAIL) on this website. Because otherwise I wouldn’t be honest.

Goddamn Stupid Fucking Postal Service Mo’Fo’s
I HATE it when they don’t leave a parcel here, they just leave that goddamn note thing on my door handle. This means that I have to wait until tomorrow to go get the parcel, and we all know I’m chronically (terminally?) impatient. Also, sometimes when this happens it’s something stupid, like new cheques from CIBC. And then I get excited and go to all that effort of walking down to the postal office (and don’t forget your driver’s license! I did that once.) and all for nothing.

However, it’s still close enough to my birthday that it might be a present. So I’m going to let myself get excited. And maybe I’ll go down tomorrow morning, before work . . . yay!!!!

Epic Adventure – April 20, 2005
I walked down to the post office today and it was lovely. Bright green leaves and bright blue sky. Sometimes I don’t even bother to take a picture, because I know it won’t equal the real thing.

But I read the post office hours incorrectly and so my only recourse was to smash in the window and ransack the fucking place for my parcel.

Or wait until after work, when I could finally get my package.

It was from my family – a bizarre purse-pinata with candy and socks and undies and seeds for bunny gardens. I love having a month-long birthday —- the love never ends!!!!

Otherwise
I already miss TMWWIAIL. I liked writing love letters and et cetera. BUT I MUST BE STRONG and dignified and unstalkerlike.

Speaking of Unavailable Men
Q and Jessie and I had sushi-lunch with Raphael the Unhappily-Married Banker today. Raphael is helping me & Q figure out if we can buy a house. Not that we want to – it’s just something to do.

Also
I’m making burritos for the Q and me.

Paul Martin’s on TV – April 21, 2005
Why do we have old men making all the rules?

Thoughts on the Vacuum
My initial intent with this whole website thing was to STOP writing/thinking in a vacuum, but I’m not sure if I’ve embraced this resolution to its full potential.

I’m considering having a section where people can comment on things, but I’m relunctant — partly because THIS IS MY SPACE, DAMMIT but also because I have certain confidentialities that I have to respect (i.e. my work) and I don’t want to be responsible for whatever someone else posts on here. Still, if my self-prescribed mandate is dialogue (vs. monologue) then technically y’all should be able to respond, aside from just emailing me your thoughts and reactions. I don’t even know if you WANT the opportunity to comment.

Maybe if I can get some sort of password protected space, where comments can be posted by APPROVED readers only . . . then the Times Colonist can’t bust me for the ramblings of some random web commie.

Row, Row, Row Your Boat
I feel so athletic and healthy this week. (Despite the bottle of cider on the desk, despite my obsession with eating entire loaves of bakery-fresh rye bread.) After all, I’m On A Rowing Team.

What Were You Doing @ 4:35 am?- April 22, 2005
I was completely awake for no apparent reason — Peter was sleeping his bunny sleep and the house was quiet — and I suspect it’s because one of you was doing something exciting or life-changing or tramautic.

So is everyone okay? Just checking up . . .

Busy Busy Busy – April 24, 2005 – 1:13am
Friday was sushi day with Liv, Saturday was shopping with Jessie and my Official BDay Dinner, and I’ve been running around like a demon wanker trying to visit with everyone and bond with everyone. No time for CSI, even! No tea! I’ll try to write properly Sunday (today??) for awhile, but now I’m tired and ready for bed.

I am SO EXCITED about The Hitchhiker’s Guide on Friday. I’m going with Liv. Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod.

Flowers on the Weekend – April 24, 2005 – 7:03 pm
It’s summer here all-of-a-sudden and flipflops are everywhere. How strange, that Victoria can be Canada’s Most Beautiful Dead-End, grey and clammy and sad for five months every year, and then it boings and there’s fertilizer in every flower box, shit-stink fills the air, everyone takes off their shirts and Summer Is Here. It’s almost sorta kinda worth living in Victoria.

Regan our UVic galpal came to visit this weekend and was our Guest o’ Honour at my BDay dinner Saturday night, so she got to see Victoria In the Summertime. (That’s how we fool them into moving here!) We’re old enough now to have “fond memories” with which to reminisce. When did that happen????

David Lynch
Jessie and I have invited newbies to this month’s Atomic Vaudeville performance! The theme is David Lynch, and I’m not sure we’ll find anything funny because we know shit all about David Lynch as a collective. But I’ve seen Mulholland Drive and The Elephant Man so I can tell everyone when we’re supposed to laugh at those parts.

Spencer’s in love with the Bush Twins. That’s what happens to single people in Victoria — gay Mormons fall for caricatures and straight girls stalk RockStars from the mainland.

Oh yah.

Kerouac Poetry as White Noise – April 25, 2005 – 9:28pm
It’s Ryan’s 23rd birthday today!!!!!!!!!! Remember where you were on this day — it will one day be a crucial point in the timeline of Ryan the RockStar Becoming Legendary Writer & Artist & MusicMaker, Etc. Not to mention the Greatest Love Story Ever Told, ‘Tween Future Great Canadian Writer Heather and Future Legendary RockStar Ryan.

There’s a quote in Hitchhiker’s Guide, about Capital Letters conquering the unknown. I like that.

I Have a Headache
But nonetheless today was an uber-productive day. I did my laundry and have Closets and Drawers full of clean cotton. I washed my favourite-ever butter-yellow sheets, and tomorrow I’ll make my bed (I’m too tired tonight). There’s something crazily pleasant about sleeping between yellow sheets. Like you’re inside a tulip, or something. It’s funny and surreal and Perfect Comfort. I have way too many clothes, but I managed to throw out some of them today so everything fits nicely in my little apartment. Also, I cleaned Peter’s litterbox(es) and it smells like hay.

Peter’s Litterboxes
This might just be a direct reflection of my laziness, but Peter now has two litterboxes. It’s an experiment. And yes, so far he’s managed to divide his . . . time . . . evenly between the two. He’s starting to have illusions of ownership in the apt, which is problematic because bunnies tend to mark their spaces with poops. That is unacceptable. So I’ve compromised and given him another litterbox.

These are the things that occupy my day.

Writing to Ryan – April 25, 2005
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I sent my tiara & Magic BDay Wand to you via Regan — use this power Wisely . . .

Coxswaining on the Gorge – April 26, 2005
I feel athletic and sunny and exhausted. The plan was to have a nap between worktime and rowing time, but instead, tormented by a dream of a bare porch, I cleared another load of straw from S&C’s playground.

Does anyone else dream that their porches are straw-less? It was such a disappointment when I realised that I still had to clear it.

Soooooo being all mature and responsible (I’m 25, after all) I am making myself eat dinner before I FINALLY get to bed. Chicken & pasta microwave dinner. At least it’s something. And not just cheese.

Christmas-Eve Complex
There’s a 70% chance that my RockStar sweetie pooh MWWIAIL will visit me tomorrow. For someone such as myself, who tends to get giddy with excitement when new adventures take place, this 70% is killing me. Luckily, tomorrow is also Atomic Vaudeville night, and Jessie and I have invited Liv & Spencer to join us as well. So regardless of whether my Beautiful Crazy ArtistMan appears in Victoria, I will have a great night.

Still, I’m grateful for the prozac.

Writing to Ryan – April 26, 2005
You should DEFINITELY come visit tomorrow. Even though I haven’t made pie.

Yet Again – April 27, 2005 – 11:07pm
New resolution: I will not fall in love with anyone who doesn’t fight for me. I want a strong man who will appreciate how super duper I am, and is willing to make an effort to win me.

Thusly, no more gay/bisexual boys; no more obscure Toronto comedians; no more flakey artists or RockStars. I’m tired of having my heart farted on.

Also
I had a wicked great time with Liv and Jessie at Atomic Vaudeville tonight!!!! It was brilliant. And they named their new curtain after me. It’s a really awkward-sounding name for a curtain. Anyhoo, cosmo martinis and salmon and one blowjob (shot) — brilliant company, brilliant night of Heather-Love-In. Also, I have tomorrow off (because I’m amazing and also unapologetically naive re: love) so I will sleep in and watch CSI on tape. Drink tea with sour milk. Et cetera. Live the good life.

Day of Recuperation & Heart-Bandaging – April 28, 2005
I ran this morning! My long route, down to Government House on Rockland, then up Royal and around Craigdarroch Castle. It’s about 2 long Eminem songs worth, or 10 minutes. I’m a SuperHero. Now that it’s cool again outside, I’m briefly contemplating going for a second time today, but I’ve already opened a bottle of cider so we’ll see about that. Also, don’t want to get all uber-exercise anorexic. So will eat cheese.

Other Adventures
Jessie & Q & I had sushi today at Ebizo. YUMMY. I could eat sushi every day and not get tired of it. It’s the saddest thing ever that I will have to forego salmon rolls when (eventually) I get knocked up. Jessie and I are trying to eat enough sushi to compensate for this inevitable trial.

Also, we had our fourth ever rowing practice! Our coach Fraser is sweet and Adonis-like & sun-kissed, but he says “okay?” after every sentence and I want to dunk him. (Actually, I’m just pissed because he was cranky today and criticised my rudder-steering skills. I don’t like having my rudder-steering skills criticised. Goddamn twinkie mo’fo.)

In Addition
I keep Roger, the wooden father from The Terrible Preservation of Valentine Pilate, on my porch. I can see him through the window, and it scares me EVERY SINGLE TIME because it looks like someone’s staring in and watching me. Eek. However, I’m purposefully leaving him out there, not only because I have nowhere else to put him, but also because I like the quick adrenalin rush.

And On the Mental Health Front
Today was wonderful, having a vacation day and doing whatever the fuck I wanted at any given time. However, I was also battling an anxiety-breakdown at my disappointment over Ryan the RockStar not coming to visit me. Q is right: I set myself up for emotional catastrophe. But everytime my heart hurts I learn another thing about how I love, so I suppose it’s not a totally awful flaw. One of my many horoscopes this week said I’ve evolved A LOT since ’94/’96, and this is true. I’m a hell of a lot stronger and smarter and so on. (I suppose that’s to be expected – it was a whole freaking decade ago.) Anyhoo, I’m constantly surprised at how love makes me weak and vulnerable and stupid. I suspect that might just be the nature of love.

Writing to Ryan – April 28, 2005
Anger-stage is over. Anxiety attack, due to Christmas Eve Complex and chronic disappointment in love, narrowly averted.

Conclusion: you might not be a dink persay, but you hurt my feelings by not communicating your Heather-affecting plans to me and thusly your actions were dinkesque.

If you want me, you’re going to have to win me.

My horoscope for today – April 29, 2005

It’s not exactly a trouble-free day today in romantic matters, dear Heather. The Moon and the Lovers are working in tandem, creating an atmosphere of discouragement and uncertainty… You are inclined to distrust the good intentions of the people close to you and to question their love. It goes without saying that such feelings are diametrically opposed to creating an atmosphere of happiness and fulfillment… Be on your guard against an onset of the blues! In the work environment, your goals are clear and you know exactly what steps you need to take. Sadly, the same cannot be said of the people around you. In the twilight of the Moon, the people around you are somewhat lost. Their behavior is inconsistent and they create confusion and uncertainty. It’s probably best if you steer clear of them and get on with your own work.

YAYAYAYAYAYAY – April 29, 2005 – 3:28pm
Liv & I have established rendezvous coordinates for Hitchhiker’s Guide and I am giddy. Tickets have been purchased, game plan is in play. Bring your duct tape, this could get significant.

Afterglow – April 29, 2005 – 10:30pm
I don’t want to talk about it — I need to ruminate. But first impressions are YAYAYAYAY and there are some golden moments.

Also
Call it a Hitchhiker’s high, call it Fate, but I have overcome my anger-stage at the RockStar’s uncommunicated departure and I am once again Madly In Love & Proud of It. Honestly, I’m lucky he’s just a little flakey. There are so many worse things.

Writing to Ryan – April 29, 2005
Thank you for the love letter. I REALLY needed that.

Heather McLeod

Tag Archives: Atomic Vaudeville

May 2005

April 2005

Heather McLeod is a mystery writer based in British Columbia, Canada.