Jacob is a Sexy God – Wednesday, March 1/06
I crashed my first awards party last night!!! Even though the food looked a little sketchy (there were Werther’s candies on top of everything . . .????) I made sure to eat a lot of the free food. And Lloyd bought me a drink, so I was living the cheap life and it was sweet.

Also, Jacob is a sexy god. And I’m pretty sure I saw Britt on her knees in front of Brad. And I gushed over Celine’s excellent performances. And someone gave me a yellow plant from one of the tables, so it’s my new friend.

Theatre people are usually fun, but apparently they are extra so when everyone finally sees how brilliant they are, and then gives them awards for that brilliance, and then they drink.

Update on the Barry Situation
Jacob’s efforts to whore me out to (a) visiting artist(s) have been compromised by the fact that I still quite like Barry, especially after he was a Grown Up and Brave Person and emailed me Monday to ask if we could have a proper conversation about shit. We’re having dinner tonight. It could be magical or really really awkward. Regardless, I’m very pleased that he didn’t just go away. That’s tonnes of points already.

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I Don’t Like Adult Relationships – Thursday, March 2/06
Dinner with Barry was fun. I drank some of his bottle of pinot gris and it was actually yummy (aka I didn’t grimace or anything). We ended up at the MedGrill since My Thai was closed, and I had that yummy Tuscan Steak Salad with prawns; Barry had some chorizo pasta concoction. We talked about all the things I expected to talk about (especially after we’d had some alcohol), and then went to my house and watched Monty Python’s Personal Best (Episodes 3 and 4) on PBS.

So. Here’s the thing. I like Barry — I think he’s a Good Person. And I’m very attracted to the guy. I love smooching him. But we do NOT connect is any sort of sense of humour / philosophical conversation / chemical completeness sort of way. Is it ethical to “see” someone regardless? Does it matter?

I think too much about this sort of thing. I like to know where I stand and how I feel about the people in my life, and so I get a little too wrapped up in the head stuff when I could be having a perfectly good time if I just stopped thinking about everything.

Meanwhile, in New Zealand
I got an email from Matte today!!!! He’s been in New Zealand since January. He sounds very . . . tanned. And calm. I miss our random intersections.

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Best Pie in Town – Thursday, March 2/06 – 11:14 pm
I made pies tonight, in preparation for our girly night tomorrow (and because I love pie). Emergencies included:

1. for some reason I thought that if I made 1.5-times the pie crust I’d have twice as many pies. So instead of 2 lemon meringues and one apple I only had enough dough for one of each. Bizarre math skills . . .
2. the apple dripped into the oven and things got pretty smoky, just as I was ready to brown the meringue. So I had to wait until the smoke cleared to clean the oven, and then I could finish the pie.

Whatever – they look great and smell amazing.

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Definley definley – Saturday, March 4/06 – 4:15 pm
My house is a sty. Or it was . . . I’ve been cleaning for the past few hours. I did all the dishes from my pie-making escapade, took out all the recycleables, cleaned the rabbits’ litter boxes, dusted, swept, and even cut all the excess material off my couch (there’s a huge sheet of super nice material draped over to cover up the hideous upholstery) because Peter’s been shredding it from underneath and I’m tired of having gobs of material & thread stuck to everything in my apartment. Needless to say, he’s upset at that renovation.

Now I just have three huge baskets of laundry to get done (somehow) and the bathroom to clean . . . I hate cleaning the bathroom. It’s too cramped to move around in comfortably. And I need to replace my shower curtain . . .

Anyhoo. I’ve been listening to good music while cleaning — that always inspires me and makes the whole process less tedious.

How Was Your Friday, Heather?
It was long. And varied. I worked 7 to 3, then took Liv for food (she’d had to work through lunch and was cranky), then met up with Q, Andrew, Adrian and some other ministry folks for drinks. I left at 6, bought a container to transport my pie, and went home to clean myself up for Michelle’s.

We had a girly night — Jessie, Nadia and Michelle and I ate cheese, drank stuff, and watched sporadic episodes from Michelle’s Sex in the City DVD collection — Jessie had never seen the show before!!! Then we all arranged booty calls, and I went to Darcy’s to meet up with Barry, and eventually we came back to my house. Good times ensued.

Peter woke us up stomping at 7am and HE WOULD NOT STOP, so we fell asleep again until 12. Then went for breakfast at Shine (yummy yummy yummy).

It’s a freaking beautiful day outside . . . really spring-like, sunshine and birds chirping and it’s warm enough for a hoody and nothing else. I HAD to clean my filthy apartment, but now I’m inclined to go for a walk. If only I could somehow combine napping + outside . . . it’s still too cold for that.

I’m going out tonight (most likely) with Liv & Lauren & whomever else.

It’s a good life.

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Watching Craptv in a Clean Apt – Sunday, March 5/06 – 12:12 pm
For the first time ever in my entire life I’ve wanted to wear something that I recently gave away to a thrift shop.

Specifically: my green fleece zippy vest with the hood. It’d be ideal for today’s walk, since it’s windy and gray outside but I hate it when my armpits get too hot.

I don’t exactly regret getting rid of it . . . I haven’t worn it for years . . . but it would have been perfect . . . ah, well.

I was a Lame Gluttonous Duck last night at Evolution with Liv & Lauren. At about midnight I started to CRAVE a philly cheese steak wrap from the Pita Pit. (Actually, a Big Mac, but I managed to stifle that craving due to it being really unhealthy. And that McDonald’s had likely already closed.) So I abandoned Liv to her drunken seductions and got me my wrap, and took a cab home. And slept.

This morning I managed to complete a Sudoku that had been tormenting me (although I think that was because I’d been working on it right before bed, rather than it just being tricky) — #75 in our book, Evy — I’m still stuck on #73. And I drank a pot of tea and watched a terrible movie: Mom and Dad Save the World.

Jessie is the cutest little thing ever — she NEEDS a schedule far in advance of any activity, and yet she managed to wait until 11am to call about my/our planned walk with Nadia. It’s kind of icky-looking outside, but I still feel like going for a walk with my girls and Celeste (Nadia’s dogsitting while Q’s in Vancouver this weekend). Meanwhile, I waited until 12 to call Nadia (to accommodate any late-night Saturday activities), and left a message. I’m supposed to call Jessie with our plans.

Can You Hear Me Now?
I think I’ve diagnosed the shitty sound quality of my cell phone: the protective casing muffles everything. I’ve tried using it without the leather case and it’s infinitely better. But now I risk destroying my phone . . .

And Finally
I did a load of laundry yesterday, so my drawers are full of clean undies & socks, and I cleaned the bathroom — I even scrubbed the shower/tub.

I love waking up in a clean apartment. I should try this again sometime.

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Separation Anxiety – Monday, March 6/06 – after work
I miss my nephew.

And So
I’m going to nap & snuggle with Celeste now. She’s the closest thing (size-wise) I have to Hollis . . .

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Being a Grown Up – Monday, March 6/06 – 8:45 pm
I just filed my tax return!!! Yay!!! According to ufile.ca, I get a refund of over $1,000 (thanks to interest I’ve paid on my student loans + charitable donations).

I took the bus home from Q’s house tonight, and it was crowded with sleepy, studious post-secondary kids . . . highlighting their text books under the dim overhead lights, desperately flirting with some classmate . . . it was adorable. I feel like a spy, what with being All Grown Up now and having a great job that uses my brains & edumacation & pays me what I’m worth.

Ryefield sent out his periodic email update re: his condition post-brain-injury today, and in it he asked us what we think our future selves would tell us if they could. Mine would tell me to Calm Down. I get excited about the future (owning a house, having babies, loving someone worthy, being a hugely successful playwright) and forget to trust in Fate & Destiny & therefore get all panicky about the present. I’ve already learned this lesson: I would LOVE to be able to go back to 1999 and tell myself that the student loans and money-stress are worth it, that it’ll all work out someday, and that I should go ahead and buy that steak dinner. It just isn’t/wasn’t worth the stress! And yet I still get anxious over things that don’t seem quite right yet — love, my writing, my MFA . . .

Snuggles With Celeste
She’s so lovely. And whiney. But lovely. And I got a good two/three hours with Q — he’s been too busy SMOOCHING to bond with me lately, and we missed each other.

Quinn & Heather bonding looks like:

• both wear Q’s grey boxers, white t-shirts, cushy socks & navy blue sweatpants (my napping outfit; Q just likes to dress like me)
• Heather in the kitchen making something with lots of butter/margarine (like perogies) and cheese (for Celeste), Q at the counter on MSN or reading Heather’s website (that’d be this one)
• eventually, Heather & Q & Celeste lying together on the couch. Quinn is the only person I can lie next to and still sleep comfortably. We just know where to fit all the angles.

Oh. I should feed the rabbits . . .

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Flannel vs. Silk PJs – Tuesday, March 7, 2006 – 9:15 pm
I was so tired last night that I gave up watching Medium and taped the last half hour. That’s pretty darn tired.

My goal today was to replace my scuzzy shower curtain. I accomplished that mission. So I feel good about that. And this new shower curtain is lighter (and CLEANER) than the last one, so it seems to take up less room in my tiny washroom.

Oh, and Q called me at 7:46 pm and he’d JUST arrived home from work. Poor Celeste . . .

There was something else I wanted to say . . . I’m completely distracted (guiltily so) by a reunion episode of America’s Next Top Model. Very embarassing. I’ll go now.

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Thoughts Mid-America’s Next Top Model – Wednesday, March 8/06 – 8:40 pm
Ugh.

I’m taping this for Liv too (maybe there is something wrong with us 3rd-Wave Feminists????) and I’m trying to imagine what she’ll think of each sad little bobblehead on this show . . .

We’ve “met” four or five of the contestants so far — in the future, I predict:

• at least one heartwarming tale of single-motherhood and a minimum-wage job;
• fireworks (planned, yes) between the Baptist Republican and Tyra (the black woman), Ms. Jay (the black man in drag) and Mr. Jay (the gay man);
• more tears. Because there are never enough.

Commercial Break #2
I was right about the two last ones — no teenage moms yet.

Commercial Break #3
Johnny Depp has a new movie!!!!!!! Yummy.

As for my itchy skin (remember that issue?) I bought Oil of Olay’s shower lotion (thanks to a commercial) and it’s helped somewhat, along with my usual hourly applications of Body Shop body butter and various other lotions. I keep overhearing other Victorians bitching about their dry skin / chapped lips, so I don’t think I’m the only one . . .

And Another
Ohmigod, there are Pamper’s Easy-Ups diapers with Bob the Builder graphics on them!!!!!!!!!!!

Mom’s been accumulating Bob the Builder merchandise in case it becomes uncool by the time Hollis is old enough to appreciate the irony of Grampa Bob being a carpenter. I hope those Pamper’s stick around for a few more years . . .

Another thing that pisses me off: people who bitch about their lives (work, love, whatever) but don’t bother to change it.

On that note, maybe I’ll do a sit-up now.

Or not.

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Moment of (Grateful) Silence – Friday, March 10, 2006
The Canadian Tire Guy (and Gal) have been terminated. How’s that for happy Friday news?

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Drinking Tea on a Sunny Saturday – March 11/06 – 12:46pm
Last night we ran from Darcy’s to Evolution IN A HAIL STORM. And now it’s all sunshine outside. Jessie describes Victoria weather as “bipolar.”

Right, so, last night Lauren, Liv, Jessie & I went to Darcy’s and ate and drank and gawked at the man buffet that is Darcy’s specialty. At 9:30 or so we braved a sudden rain – then hail – storm and went to Evolution, and danced and drank and avoided various icky men. I had my usual midnight craving for something Bad For Me (this time it was McDonald’s french fries) but I managed to persevere (due, in large part, to Liv having a minor drunken breakdown which required supervision. Thank you, Liv, for protecting me from myself). And then I got a cab for Lauren & Liv (Jessie had already left with her man), and I wandered over to Lucky to meet up with Barry. Pizza, bottled water, and a chance encounter with a very drunk Quinn ensued.

And now I’m drinking a pot of tea and watching Kids in the Hall, and sometime today I will make a fruit crumble for Jessie’s dinner party tonight, and I will call Liv to check up on her and seduce her into going for a sunny Saturday walk with me.

I’ve already eaten eggs for breakfast, so there won’t be any roadstops at a McDonald’s for a Bacon ‘n’ Egg McMuffin.

Also, I tried to make muffins this morning but I think I left my baking powder at Quinn’s. Dammit.

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Bunny Advocates & the Troubles They Cause – Sunday, March 12/06 – 10:41 am
He had nothing better to do yesterday so Quinn decided to guilt me into trimming the lumps of shit off Caramel’s ass.

Now I smell like wet poo.

The Plan of Attack:

1. clean one of my kitchen sinks, move valuables aside, and fill it with warmish vegan-friendly soapy water.
2. dress appropriately in clothes that I am prepared to get wet & hairy.
3. lay out my instruments: nail clippers, a flea-comb, scissors.
4. Grab Caramel (the trickiest part — she’s a wily one).
5. Trim Caramel’s ass-fur and as much of the shit-lumps as I could without cutting her very vulnerable skin.
6. Give Caramel’s ass a bath.

She was surprisingly calm throughout (well, once I caught her). I like to think she knew I was helping her get rid of her “baggage” but it’s just as likely that she was terrified and in shock.

Anyhoo, I tried to dry her as well as I could, and then I returned her to the arms/whatever of Seamus on the Love Porch. My biggest hesitation about giving Caramel a proper washing these past weeks has been the weather. A shitty rabbit is better than a dead rabbit. But today it is BEAUTIFUL and sunshiny and not too windy, and it’s early enough in the day to give her a chance to dry out before night.

I didn’t get all the shit-clumps, but I got quite a lot. And I tried to trim the hair so she’s less likey to develop more lumps.

Also, a first for me: I saw bunny genitals. Male bunnies and female bunnies’ genitals look very similar (they all have “outies”) but I’ve never bothered to hold one of them down and investigate. But while navigating Caramel’s netherregions I did see a pinky tube thing (aka her vagina). So that was interesting.

Peter just gave my slippers a good grooming. I think he’s reassuring me that my molestation of Caramel was necessary and will ultimately be appreciated. (Isn’t anthropromorphising fun??!)

In Other, Domestic News
I successfully made my first-ever crumble last night. I chose strawberry-rhubarb, because even if it was shit, everyone loves strawberry-rhubarb.

Jessie had us over for a dinner party (Lauren, Liv, Q, me, Nadia, and eventually Jon). I love her cooking. She’s so health-conscious that I KNOW anything I’m eating is good for me, and yet it all tastes yummy. After dinner & crumble Q even had a lie-down with Jessie’s cat, Skeeter, which is phenomenal because he’s not only deathly-allergic to cats (yay Claritan!) but also he hates them. He was very tired, though, after a nap-free Saturday.

While my crumble was baking earlier in the day, Q and I rented Walk the Line (Oscars, Johnny Cash, Reese, blah blah blah). Another movie about celebrities abusing drugs and the domestic chaos that causes. Reese/June Carter was pretty.

And Also, I’m Mature Now
When Barry and I went to the MedGrill awhile back he ordered a bottle of Calona Pinot Gris, and I drank it and liked it (I didn’t even make a face ever). So I bought two bottles yesterday, instead of my usual sugary-wino-shit, and drank one at Jessie’s. Yummy!!! Apparently it’s a sweeter wine, which is probably why I like it (according to my wine-conneisseur friends). And it won’t make me fat 🙂

Saturday’s Epiphany
(Aside from crumble and such.)
Nadia commented that I spend a lot of time being social, and she asked me how I can stand it.

So here is why I think I’m okay being around so many people so often:

1. Prozac! Yay!! (certainly, my social anxiety gets pretty bad without it, so presumably it’s a factor)
2. I live alone, work alone (at least, it feels like it since my work is independent of others to a large extent, which is a great thing), and make a lot of time for myself, including most mornings on the weekends when I’m awake at 8:30am and everyone else is still asleep.
3. I only spend time with people I like. It’s tricky to cut unpleasant/unchallenging/exhausting people out of your life, but I’ve managed to do that these past few years and as a result I rarely (if ever) dread spending time with my friends. It’s always pleasant and loving, and supportive, and even if we’re all boring or pissy it doesn’t matter because there’s that foundation of love & support. And we’re comfortable enough with each other to point out pissiness or dullness, or to comment on our own. I think we all accept each other “as is,” or at least “as we think each other is.”
4. In general, the thing that I HATE MOST about people & therefore can’t tolerate is when someone bitches about something in his/her life but doesn’t make the effort to change it. Since we all know each other so well, we can be proactive about unhappiness. If someone hates his/her job, we know them & their qualifications well enough to help find them a new job. Ditto for love and relationships. And since we’re all different, there’s rarely (if ever!) competition for that job, or love, or whatever. It’s all about supporting the other person in their attempt to get it.

Question
I wonder if I’ve collected enough karma points by washing Caramel’s shitty ass to find Matlock or Murder, She Wrote or Columbo on tv . . . .

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Ode to Tommy Douglas – Monday, March 13/06 – 8:40 pm
He (or, the actor playing him on Prairie Giant, his biography) is currently peeing. And discussing politics with his Minister of Finance. Oh, the Old Boys’ Club must have been so much fun.

Indoor plumbing, paved roads, electricity . . . next thing you know, those Saskatechewaners will be getting high-speed internet! Woowee!

Busy Days
I looked at the clock while drinking tea at work this morning and it was 8:30am. Then I looked at the clock because Jessie was calling, and it was 12. I love days like this.

Boss Barb introduced me to a potential new employee today. (Not at my office, but she still found a good excuse.)

BARB: “Sorry to interrupt, Heather — are you too busy?”

Sexy tall man with nice eyes stands with Barb.

HEATHER: “No, Barb. Not at all.”

I can’t remember his name — Neil, maybe? He wants to work in one of our communications shops so I gave him a flustered introduction to issues management. And my card. I’m very proud of that part.

Yesterday I slept through the time I’d designated for watching The Aristocrats or going for a sunny walk with Joel, so we ended up walking in the dark, drinking Moka House beverages, and making apple crumble for the potluck Joel was going to that night. Yes, I’m a crumble master these days . . .

Then Barry came over at 8 and we watched the first half of Prairie Giant. If Michael Moore was interested in Canadian history . . . On another note: I learned how to properly pronounce “Russkies” today.

Oh, Medium’s starting — goodbye, Tommy Douglas!

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I’m Liv’s Big Brother – Tuesday, March 14/06 – 8:17 pm
I’m taping tv shows for Liv; I get to choose what new, creepy aspects of modern culture she’ll be exposed to. I’ve already vetoed Law & Order: Special Victim’s Unit, but I’m quite proud of this episode of The Rick Mercer Report.

AND the only news she gets (aside from the radio in her car — I have to work on that) is via my media packages each day at work, or whatever non-work-related media I choose to tell her over lunch.

Ohmigod: From Justin to Kelly is on channel 51 . . . do I dare??

Work, Work, Everywhere
It seems like every second store downtown has a help wanted sign. Options, options . . . I can only hope that these employers are offering better than minimum wage, or some other competitive perk . . . I tend to assume people have common sense, when so often they just don’t.

Nadia was headhunted by another ministry, so she’ll be leaving our little love den on Broughton street. But her new job is a great step for her, and Liv gets to take over Nadia’s old job, which is a great step for her . . . so now Q just needs a new assistant. Anyone? Anyone?

Oh! And! I bet The Crew (aka Q, Jessie, Liv) that Neil, the work-searching hottie from yesterday, would take three days (MAYBE a week) to email me (via the info on my business card). But he wrote today. Before lunch. I’m trying very hard to read between the “thank you for your time” lines to determine exactly when & where our first date is.

Q made fun of me awhile back (as usual) for my “unnatural” relationship with Barry. I tried to explain the understanding we’d reached re: “exclusivity”:

QUINN: So, you’re in an open relationship??

(For my family and other innocents: an “open relationship” is when you’re “committed” to someone but you’re allowed to have sex with other people. I find this as fucked up as you probably do.)

HEATHER: No. I am in a monogamous sexual relationship, but it’s “open” in that I can flirt with pretty boys and go out with them — we’re not “boyfriend and girlfriend” or anything like that.

QUINN: That’s weird.

HEATHER: No. It’s called “safe sex.”

Adventures in Vegetables
One of my favourite dishes at dim sum is “Chinese broccoli” — it looks like . . . green stalks with spinach-leaf tops . . . and it’s steamed and served with oyster sauce. Everytime I get it, Billy (aka Professor Wu) mocks me:

BILLY: You can make that at home, you know.

So yesterday I found it at the grocery store and made my first ever bowl. (It was labeled “Chinese parsley,” strangely enough. Why would I steam & eat parsley???)

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Adventures With Milk – Thursday, March 16/06 – 7:14 pm
I made scrambled eggs for dinner & was pouring in some milk when I saw that my 2-litre carton expires tomorrow, and it’s still more than half-full. As a result, I may have accidentally poured in a little more milk than I normally do (partly motivated by surprise & distraction, partly by thriftiness). I didn’t really notice it until the eggs were cooking and I smelled boiled milk. Whatever. More calcium, or something.

I don’t really feel like chugging cups & cups of White Russians, so I considered how to preserve the milk for another day . . . technically, if the alcohol in Bailey’s can keep the cream from clotting, then my carton of milk might stay good if I dump in a shot of vodka . . . that’s gross, right? And it’s not like milk’s hard to find . . . I just don’t like the waste. Or, to be honest, I feel guilty for not drinking all the milk I intended to. It’s like letting veggies rot in the fridge.

I Love Celeste
My bunnies have clean litter boxes and full dishes of food & water so I abandoned them this afternoon and had my after-work nap at Quinn’s. I took Celeste for a little walk in the sunshine first, which she loved, and then we snuggled until Q rudely woke us up at 5. She’s such a sweet, soft, loving dog. Q was teasing her with a chewtoy, until he realised that she was just excited about HIM, and not the carrot. She’s a very devoted puppy.

Chinese Parsley, A Few Days Later
I went to steam the last few stalks and there were yellow flowers blossoming. Very pretty, but a little disturbing. Vegetables shouldn’t blossom in my fridge. I cut the flowers off, because I don’t trust them and I’d rather not poison myself.

Bonding With Barry
Barry came over last night and we watched Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride. Then we cuddled. It’s been a very long time since I’ve just laid with someone and cuddled and talked. Soooo lovely.

Periodic (ha!!) Pissiness – Saturday, March 18/06 – 9:56 pm
I realized tonight that Barry’s never invited me to spend time with him & his friends. The only time I’ve met his roommate was when Scott picked Barry up and drove me home; and the only other time I’ve even seen Barry with other people was when I crashed their group night at Darcy’s. This seems weird. I’ve invited Barry to more than one group adventure with me & my girls & co.

I pointed this out to Q and he asked if it really bothered me, and no, it doesn’t, it’s just that it seems weird & lame.

Whatever. After NOT being invited to watch a movie or whatever tonight with Barry I’ve made plans to bond with Spencer & Quinn, and hopefully I’ll get another invitation to the after-party for The Qualities of Zero (Mike called me last night but we’d already planned to go to Evolution). The play is SO FUCKING GOOD that they’re doing an additional 10:30pm show tonight. Thanks to my 3 hour nap earlier today I’m fairly sure I’ll still be awake at midnight.

I went for breakfast at Floyd’s with Liv this morning — that was so much fun. Liv was in one of the best moods ever, and chatty and funny. We chugged Red Rose.

I told Liv about walking home with Darcy and Ian last night, when I had one of those I’m A Prophet moments and blathered my way to an epiphany. She pointed out that it’s primo material for BitterScripts, so now I’m all recharged about this theatre thing. (Also, thanks to Jacob Richmond, SuperStar.)

& What Are You Doing Now, Heather?
Well, MuchMusic is broadcasting Eminem’s Public Enemy tour. I’m in Heaven. Before my three hour nap I did laundry, and there are wet shirts hanging up everywhere. I even washed all my pajama pants (they take up more room than just the dry rack). I’ll be in Clean Clothes Nirvana tomorrow.

My hair is poofy from napping post-shower, so I’ll wash it back to normal, get dressed, and wander over to Q’s to drink wine with the boys asap.

Peter was stomping earlier, so I checked on the baby bunnies and fed them, and now all my resident rodents are relatively content. It’s a good life.

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The Biggest Dick Ever – Sunday, March 19/06 – 5:09 pm
Thanks to a Saranwrapped heart I’m only furious that Barry chose a one-night stand over a half-assed relationship with me — I am NOT sad about this one. That’s a nice change.

To celebrate, I present to you …

The First Ever
Heather’s Really Super
Competition!!

To participate, just call me and tell me how wonderful / amazing / stupendous / superior-to-too-many-men I am.

For today (at least), I don’t want to hear “I Told You He’s A Chump” messages. That can wait until tomorrow, if I still give a shit. Actually, if you think you can find me a better one, I invite you to participate in the Greatest Matchmaking Challenge Ever In the Whole World: find me a reasonable, considerate, tall, sexy, smart & funny man WHO APPRECIATES HOW GREAT I AM and who lives in Victoria (or close enough). Good luck with that Mission Impossible.

And now: to wine.

(What a moron.)

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All Better Now – Sunday, March 19/06 – 7:24 pm
I’m not angry anymore. (Isn’t that a song??) Possible reasons:

1. two White Russians
2. a clean house
3. clean pajamas (my favourite ones!!)
4. a bowl of chips (Miss Vickies Original)
5. I’m watching Annie Hall, in which Woody Allen is an absolute prick and yet he wonders why on earth he’s lonely and love-less
6. Q says I’m a Wonderful Woman and Barry’s an idiot.

Oooo, Christopher Walken is Annie’s brother! Groovy.

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Weekend Update – Monday, March 20/06 – early a.m.
Friday y’all know about: The Qualities of Zero, a crowded night at Evolution with the girls. (Also, Barry getting drunk at Hugo’s and taking some random girl home with him. But whatever.) Saturday I was WIDE AWAKE due to an afternoon “nap” (that’s in quotes because it was three hours of deep sleep), so I went to Q’s at 11 or so and drank wine with Q, Spencer & Luke, and then we all went out to Prism. It was wonderful. I hadn’t seen my boyz in a very long time (that’s why I’m hitting on them in non-Prism bars) so it was like a reunion. I got a lot of snuggles and strokes, and a new friend named Rob undid my bra through my shirt with one hand. Also, I met Greg the Trucker who lives in Calgary but who drives to Victoria & California every two weeks. 6-foot-five and straight, but sexy enough to let his Victoria friends bring him to the local gay bar. I love men who are mo-friendly.

Sunday I bonded with Q: we took Celeste to the dog park and I got a little burned while eating a salmon pannini at the Italian cafe in Oak Bay. We washed Q’s car, and then I made plans to meet Barry and lie in the sunshine for a few hours. That went fine until we were sprawled on the blanket at Beacon Hill and Barry told me about his Hugo’s adventure. Apparently Barry thought that our “arrangement” meant he had to TELL me about sleeping with other people, and not NOT SLEEPING WITH OTHER PEOPLE. A rather significant miscommunication there. So naturally I was done with our adventure/relationship, and I think this confused Barry, because he asked if I wanted to come upstairs to his apartment when we were walking back and reached his street.

I’m not making this up.

But now, after a mildly-drunken night with supportive phone calls and a few tourette’s-esque rants that only Peter could hear, I’m done calling Barry names (but you still can — I don’t mind at all) and I will write this whole time off as another drama in my ever-strange life.

And to all of you who think I’m just being ridiculously picky re: love, I hope you see this as an (yet another) excellent example of what I’m trying to work with here in Victoria.

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My Dentist Says – Monday, March 20/06 – 2:55 pm
I have an appointment for April 13th to get my FIVE wisdom teeth yanked out. Yes, 5. Apparently I’m extra wise. There’s an extra bone-chip on my top right side; the dentist has offered to give it to me after the operation. It looks like a pearl, he says.

I’m not too worried about my wisdom teeth extraction. Sure, there’s pain and puffiness, the risk of infection & “dry sockets” (which sounds truly disgusting), and I’ll be useless for at least three days, but it’s all good. EXCEPT . . .

I get my anaesthetic intravenously. That’s a freaking needle in my skin for 30 minutes. I might not be aware for most of that time, but I WILL be aware when the goddamn thing gets inserted. Q has already offered to come hold my hand. And THAT’S what good friends do.

Oh and Also
Did you notice that my appointment is for the DAY AFTER MY 26th BIRTHDAY??????? Yes, I’m a masochist. Let’s ring in my 26th year of life with chipmunk cheeks and blood clots. Unfortunately, it’s the only chunk of time (Easter break) when I can be drugged up & potentially sick for work without it being a HUGE inconvenience. So while I might still spend a beautiful day roasting a turkey for the people I love most in Victoria, I probably won’t be able to eat it. I certainly won’t enjoy eating it.

Life is cruel.

And so for the rest of this afternoon I’m drinking wine and eating cheese. It’s the little pleasures, really . . .

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Protecting Prey & Other Pointless Intentions – Tuesday, March 21/06 – 10:29 pm
I just woke up from a 4 hour post-haircut-with-Spencer nap. Thanks to Quinn for reviving me.

I dreamt that Peter had been hopping down Fort Street to meet me after work, and that all of a sudden I realized he’d been doing this, and risking the INCALCULABLE dangers that Fort Street presents: traffic (although in my dream they were all driving South, not North, on the one-way street . . .???), cats & birds & dogs, evil people, shock from close encounters . . . I was appalled. (And very grateful for having such a sweetheart house rabbit.)

I immediately took action: I jumped on a rusty, oversized bike with confusing gears and tried to go rescue him — while heading in the wrong direction. The bike was creaky and I couldn’t get the gears to work, and the whole time I knew I’d never find him outside — he’s too clever/paranoid for that.

So what the fuck does that dream mean?

My Haircut!!!
Spencer knows me so well. I don’t believe in “too blond” so we keep trying new, brighter & lighter shades. He calls it “Birthday Blond” (I don’t know why). My hair was finally the right length to do My Dream Cut, like we did back before we got all experimental, so I’m a proper broom-head again, but an uber-blond version.

However, after a quick shower (no shampoo, Spencer, I promise) anda nap I look like a blond Fonzie — strange sides, a flip or two . . . and my newly-short bangs are sticking straight up. Incredibly sexy.

Also, I’m Rich Today
I got my tax return in the mail — a little over $1,000 will be / has been deposited into my bank account!!!! Yippee!! I will use it to:

1. pay the stupid, random $200 anaesthetic fee for my wisdom teeth extraction (how ironic, that my dental plan pays for everything except the NEEDLE IN MY FRICKING ARM); and
2. pay off a huge portion of my debt.

I realize it could/should be going toward more fun projects, like traveling Greece or a spa on Salt Spring or flying home to snuggle with Hollis. However, I am being responsible. Responsibility can be thrilling, when it’s unusual.

Random Rabbit Fact
Bunnies can be understood via their (very expressive) body language. One popular pose: the Roadkill Rabbit, whereby Peter sits very properly with his front half, but splays out his back legs as if he’s been run over. This means he’s relaxed, and therefore happy.

He is, of course, in this pose right now. I live with a very happy rabbit.

Oh, and I remembered to feed the outside bunnies today! Yay!

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The Madness That Comes From a Fridge Full of Groceries – Wednesday, March 22/06 – 8:22 pm
I made myself an AMAZING dinner. Steak + asparagi + red peppers + mushrooms stirfried, with fresh French bread & butter on the side. I also have unlimited sammich ingredients, so I’ll be a Good Girl the rest of the week and bring lunches to work.

Work was so much fun today. It’s not even the fact that my three best friends work in the same building, or that I get paid very well to read newspapers all day . . . it’s the work itself. I love the adrenalin, and that I have a role to play in the system we’ve developed.

Things I’ll Never Do
There’s a commercial on right now for permanent makeup (via laser or tattoo or whatever).

I’m A Social Butterfly
Twice this month I’ve been told I’m a social person — the “most social person” they know, in fact. How come I feel like I spend so much time sleeping & working & having showers & watching craptv/movies? Are the rest of you even more hermit-like than me?

Haircut Aftershocks
Whenever I see myself in a mirror I think “Holy shit, I’m really blond.”

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Short Guys Aren’t That Bad – Thursday, March 23/06 – 9:01 pm
I met a programmer named Scott at Serious Coffee tonight. He’s short (ie under 6-feet tall) but smiley and a smart guy. I am a little delirious from four days of weird sleeping patterns (and it’s storming and cold outside) so I didn’t take him up on his offer of a walk or something — we’ve postponed for a sunny day, maybe this weekend.

New People Happy Hour #2
Yes, we’re planning a sequel to our very successful January singles night! I sent out the First Wave of invitations today . . . we figure two weeks should be a decent amount of time to allow the friends of friends of friends of our friends to receive the invitation, thereby leading to a nice new crop of strangers to meet.

If anyone’s living in Victoria and wants to partake, you’re welcome to come — technically it’s supposed to be via friends of friends, so as to weed out the crazies, but if you’re 20-39 years old and not too weird then feel free to show up. (Technically, we won’t turn you away or anything if you’re over 39, but that is a little old for us. You might feel like a pedophile. We might make you feel like a pedophile. Maybe you are a pedophile.) I haven’t confirmed with Syn that April 7th is okay with them yet, but they sounded pretty enthusiastic about hosting another night so that’s the TBC location. As for time: after work, about 5pm or so. Last time people were showing up as late as 9pm, but since most of us have gone home or onward to other Friday night adventures by then you won’t get as many new people to meet.

Also, if you’re reading this or receive an invitation from someone else and you’re an ex (in any way) of any of my friends or myself, I’d rather you found alternate entertainment that night. It’s hard to be friendly & flirty when you’re trying to avoid eye contact with someone.

And Now: To Bathe
I’d like to have a glass of wine but I finally finished my bottle of Calona pinot gris last night. I went to buy more yesterday but apparently all of Victoria is sold out until later this spring/summer. Goddamn. I finally find a wine I can tolerate and it gets unreasonably popular. The liquor store guy helped me choose two other bottles, from Germany or somewhere else non-B.C. — one’s a pinot gris and one’s a chardonnay. I’ll get back to you on those.

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I Should Write A Book – Friday, March 24/06
Random Things You (Men) Can Do That Will Impress Us (Women):

• stupid romantic acts. The cheesier the better, because we don’t ever expect you to do them since romance is mockable. Examples: giving her flowers (even picked from someone’s yard on the walk to her house – they don’t have to be $70 tiger lilies from Brown’s — daffodils and crocuses are sweet)
• be randomly aggressive. The most amazing kiss I’ve ever had was from a really shy boyfriend who, one night, slammed me (not hurtfully!!!) against the closet and smooched me because he was SO VERY TURNED ON. I still haven’t forgotten that kiss, and it was a good 8 years ago.
• be considerate. Even overly-so. I had a guy apologize once for calling an hour after he said he would. I didn’t even notice, but that random apology made me like him extra. That sort of behaviour shows that you respect that she has a life outside of you, and that you’re accountable to your promises.
• show that you’re thinking of her, even when you aren’t together. This can be accomplished via a quick email, a text message, or a quick reference when you ARE together: “I’ve been thinking about that thing you said the other day at the restaurant . . .”
• introduce her to people you run into when together. If you don’t know the person’s name, TELL HER that’s why you didn’t introduce her, immediately after the person leaves.
• make an effort to demonstrate that you like and want to spend time with her. Darcy stood in a line-up for Evolution for almost an hour, just so he could join Nadia (and us) inside. That’s exactly the sort of thing that proves you’re interested, AND worth our time. If you’re too tired to do something together, tell her that you’d like to see her but you’re too tired to do something together. If you’re busy, tell her that you’d like to see her but you’re too busy with whatever. And never ever ever lie about this — if you aren’t interested, leave her alone.

Another thought, that might just be my own private issue: avoid, at all costs, talking about exes. If you have to mention a previous girl/boyfriend, use his/her name or a term like “roommate,” “girlfriend at the time,” “the girl I was seeing,” or “friend.” Don’t lie, but don’t talk about it if you don’t have to. Even the word “ex” suggests that you haven’t recovered from the relationship. It emphasizes that you have an “ex” relationship instead of a friendship — it suggests you weren’t able to stay friends after the break up, and that you still think of you “ex” as someone you used to love/fuck/live with. Move on.

That was fun 🙂

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Beautiful Sunshiny Day – Saturday, March 25/06 – 10:22 am
It’s so bright outside!! The light woke me up this morning at 8/9ish.

I hope it stays like this now . . . Evy and Hollis are coming to visit me in April, for my 26th birthday and to take care of me while I’m recuperating from having my wisdom teeth removed. I’m imagining hours of frolicking with Hollis on a blanket in the backyard . . . We’re also planning a steak dinner on my birthday, so that all the people I love here in Victoria can finally meet Evy & my baby nephew.

Last Night
Liv, Lauren and I went to Evolution and it was groovy. There’s a regular there who laughs like a machine and tends to bother us (in an overly friendly way, not a jerky way), but aside from him I had a perfectly perfect time. I crashed (sleep-wise and vodka-wise) at about 12:45am and took a cab home, and slept until the sunshine woke me up.

This morning we might go for breakfast, which would be yummy . . . until then, I think I’ll make a pot of tea!

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I Should Be More Responsible – March 25/06 – 9:39 pm
What I SHOULD do is stay home tonight, drink aromatic tea, steam the snot out of my congested sinuses & brain, and go to bed early.

What I PLAN to do is go to Rich’s Birthday & Newly Single Party, once Brian & Quinn finish eating.

Unfortunately I always have a good time at Rich’s parties, so my irresponsible side is winning.

I foolishly agreed to go for a walk with Q, Celeste, Brian, Josh, Lindsay and Sandy (Josh’s dog) today, tempted by the sunshine. It was also a little windy down by the water, though, so I think it made me sicker. Stupid toque-less walk.

Strange Things That Are Happening Today
Maybe it’s the congestion, but all my Eminem songs sound completely different than what I remember. There’s more bass and the rhythm is different.

Peter has been pooping outside of his litterbox. I don’t mind, since I’m just grateful he’s not peeing outside of his litterbox. Maybe it’s a territorial thing, or laziness . . . He might be telling me he wants some fresh hay. I dunno.

New People Happy Hour #2: Random Update
I’m having sexy hand-out cards printed up so we can give them to hot and/or interesting strangers. Nathan designed them — they are beautiful. They should be ready for Wednesday, just in time for our VERY busy weekend of Atomic Vaudeville, Hawksley Workman, and other thrilling adventures.

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Fun Times With Commies – Sunday, March 26/06 – 3:12 am
I went to Rich’s Birthday party and I am very glad I did, even if it sets back my health-recuperation. The apartment was packed with people. Everyone there was drunk & friendly by the time we showed up (10:30ish), and there were straight men, including one tall one named Brock. I was very responsible and drank only water all night, and what with all the dancing once the party moved to Prism I think I might have sweated out this cold. However, it was chilly outside tonight so that was an unpleasant factor.

It was one of the only times in the past few years that I’ve been COMPLETELY SOBER (except for a Dristan tablet . . .) when out. Drunk people are terribly predictable — they don’t remember what they’ve said to you and what you answered back, so I participated in a few repeat conversations throughout the night. Q tends to wander off, but luckily there were lots of friendly people there tonight (including Brian) who amused me whenever I was abandoned on the dance floor.

I’ve found that it’s dangerous to be attracted to drunk men, because the qualities that I find so sexy are often the direct result of being drunk, and don’t exist when the guy is sober. For example: confidence, friendliness, a willingness to be an idiot in public . . . for this reason, I will only say that I danced & talked with Brock a few times tonight, and when I left I suggested he write me an email sometime. We’ll see if he acts on my invitation once he sobers up.

Anyhoo, all in all I had a really great time, especially for being sick. I even stayed until closing, and managed to patiently navigate Q and Brian through Victoria’s busy nght-time streets, until they decided to stop for 99-cent pizza and I lost my patience, and took a cab home. I need a good sleep to destroy the rest of these germs.

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I Want Soup – Sunday, March 26/06 – 3:29 pm
I’ve been sleeping all day. My nose is leaking and my head is full of snot. Adventures I’ve so far missed include brunch, a dog-walk, and a walk ‘n’ talk with Scott.

Haha. Snot rhymes with Scott. Ha.

It’s bright outside but more of a radioactive cloud cover kind of bright than a sunshine bright, so I don’t feel terrible for sleeping through my Sunday. Also, I managed to clean up the bunnies’ porch this morning — they seem to have decided that newspaper isn’t for litterboxes, it’s for shredding, so it’s been progressively messier out there all week. I’d like to get my dishes washed, but I’m wary of doing dishes when I’m so snotty . . . it’s too hard to believe they’re clean afterwards, with my nose running like a faucet. So I’ll save those for tomorrow or whenever.

Two Friday Night Epiphanies
Liv had Hawksley Workman on tv when I went over Friday night, and there’s a bit I extra-love, and I commented that it sounds like a Tim Burton song. Apparently there’s a genre that both Hawksley and Burton belong to (and Marilyn Manson and a bunch of other artists): “dark cabaret.”

I’ve found my genre.

Dark cabaret is perky, dark, theatrical . . . it’s my writing.

I love having a literary term for it.

My second epiphany was how I can contribute to Atomic Vaudeville, show-wise. Jacob and Britt have frequently invited me to write something. I’ve been ruminating re: what I can offer that isn’t already there, and would add to the show, and I’ve concluded that musical numbers are it. Not the music, necessarily, but the words and the story behind the songs. Currently they have Slut Revolver, and Forbidden Ukes, and their famous choreographed dance numbers, but a “dark cabaret”-esque musical bit could add a new and bizarre twist, especially if placed in the middle of what’s become an AV standard (Samuel the Christian Ninja, or Mike’sRod, or CompletelyComfortableWithHisOwnSexuality Man, or Andrew’s Jesus . . .). I’ll continue to think over what I could create for them. It feels very good, though, to know there’s something I can contribute.

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Plan of Attack – March 26/06 – 8:46 pm
I know that Quinn loves me because he woke me up from my comatose bedrest to bring me 2 litres of pulp-free (because I prefer that) Calcium-enriched (because he’s nuerotic about my calcium-intake) Minute Maid orange juice. And a huge box of ready-to-make Lipton chicken noodle soup, my ideal comfort food.

Then he hugged me and went away.

I intend to blast the remnants of this illness out of my sweaty little body by ODing on OJ and inhaling chicken noodle soup until I can’t smell/taste anything else.

Wish me luck. Because otherwise I’ll still be sick tomorrow, and you won’t like that at all, since I’ll be whiney and contagious 🙂

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Fun With Drugs – Monday, March 27/06 – 8:05 pm
I survived work today with the kind assistance of DayQuil.

COWORKER: “Heather, could you proofread this?”

HEATHER: “Sure, but I’m high.”

COWORKER: “Oh. Never mind.”

By 3pm I was having a hard time staying awake, but I managed a quick stop at London Drugs to grab some more “Cold Bath” stuff — it’s like bubblebath, but scented with menthol, camphor and eucalyptus so it clears out my sinuses. Amazing shit. Also, I bought some Buckley’s pills — daytime & nighttime cold, cough & achey fever stuff. I look forward to experimenting with those over the next 24 hours. My final purchase: Vicks VapoRub. Ohmijesuslordy. I’ve always been relunctant to use this stuff: it’s messy. I don’t want my sheets to stink like menthol. But I was desperate for a clear breath so I went with the Vicks, and I had an AMAZING sleep as a result. I’m actually looking forward to bedtime so I can smear that stuff all over again and revel in menthol bliss.

Also, I did dishes! That’s a sign of impending health.

Rehab on a Tuesday – March 28/06 – 2:13 pm
I went to work this morning but my boss encouraged me to go home:

MATT: “You look . . . beat up.”

So I braved the bus full of UVic commuters and I’ve slept until now, when I was woken up with a phone call from the mayor of my hometown, Mark Shmigelsky, who was in Victoria these past two days. I was hoping I’d get a chance to buy him a drink and gossip about Invermere but he was too busy, so I’ll have to wait until he’s back in September. Mark is also my neighbour, and I’ve known him since I was 16 (small town, remember?) but I like describing him as the mayor because it sounds weird.

Also, I gave Peter the cardboard box from my Vicks VapoRub and he was the happiest rabbit in the universe for a few hours this morning. Good for his teeth and mental health . . .

I resisted applying another coat of VapoRub before my a.m. bedtime because it’s leaving an icky, sticky, water-resistant film on my skin. I used soap and hot water and even a loofah, and it’s still there . . . ew. Regardless, it was SO worth it last night . . . I was strategic in my menthol placement and it felt like someone was rubbing my lower back until I fell asleep.

And now: I will eat something . . .

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How Does One Love a Communist? – Wednesday, March 29/06
I got an email today fron Brock (from Rich’s Birthday Bash Saturday night). He thinks I’m “super cute.” I like him anyways.

Hee hee. I’ve been giggly all day . . .

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Baileys & Hot Chocolate – Thursday, March 30/06 – 8:30 pm
Jessie & Liv have each expressed difficulty with drinking in moderation. Ironically, I don’t usually have a problem with this, even though I didn’t drink alcohol until I was 21 and have had to learn pacing, etc. in the company of a bunch of liquor pigs.

I don’t know if this is related, but Jessie also doesn’t drink alone. I drink alone all the time. It’s my favourite way to drink: it’s safer than wandering dark streets at 3am, or mingling with horny Victoria boys full of liquid courage. I can go to sleep or have a shower or eat grease when I want to, without having to consider what everyone else wants to do. Oh, and it’s cheaper 🙂

The few times I want to get sloshed, I can get it out of my system either alone with a bottle of wine or at Q’s. Which means that when I go out to a play, or club, or whatever with my friends I’m there for the play, or club, or friends.

So how come there’s this alcoholic stigma re: drinking booze alone?

Peter is the Cutest Little Bunny Ever
When I climbed down from my afternoon nap/sleep, he was completely relaxed in his litterbox. Like a little rabbit skin, with his chin on the edge of the box. What a cutie patootie.

We’ve been battling for a week or so now re: appropriate places for Peter to leave his poops. He seems to think the entire area by the porch door is his Lair of Bunny Machismo, and therefore he’s allowed to mark its boundaries with poops. I disagree.

All the Men I’m Currently Flirting With
It’s exhausting. I have no time for this madness. Especially now that I have a steamy, mutual email relationship with Brock. We’re actually going to spend time together Sunday. I am very excited about that. (He’s so literate! And tall. I’m totally in like.)

The Idiot’s Guide to Loving Heather
I’ve had an epiphany. Yes, another one. This one’s about love.

What I Want Is Someone (i.e. a tall, sexy, smart, funny, kind man) Who:

1. thinks I’m amazing (while recognizing my faults);
2. demonstrates this in little ways regularly (i.e. sends me friendly, flirty emails once a day, or leaves a phone message or something) so that I KNOW it;
3. therefore doesn’t sleep with other random people (because I’m amazing and satisfy all those love/lust needs/wants); and
4. is just as busy, independent, ambitious, social, hermit-like and predictably-moody (that makes sense, if you think about it) as I am.

It’s such a relief to be able to define what I want.