Why it took 6 months to tell my in-laws I was in a relationship

I met and made friends with Ryan 14 months after my husband died. Ryan and I took our time getting to know one another: we both have kids, and our own custom-made emotional baggage. It wasn’t until late February of 2019 that we graduated beyond friendship to a “relationship.”

While I might never want to get married again, or even live with someone, I didn’t start this relationship casually. I was committed to seeing how long we could last. And yet: it took me six months to tell my husband’s parents that I was seeing someone.

They visited us for Easter, and I still couldn’t make myself say the words.

In fact, I didn’t tell them about my boyfriend until August, when Ryan and I were in my car with our sons, en route to my husband’s family’s annual reunion.

Four hours into the drive, even.

Good intentions, but …

I’d meant to tell them earlier. Ideally in person, but over the phone would suffice. I didn’t want them to find out from a stranger … and yet, part of me did want them to find out, without my having to tell them. Early in the summer, I told my brother-in-law and his wife about Ryan, half-hoping they’d pass the news along to his parents.

I wrote about my “friend” Ryan in a May Medium story, and mentioned my “boyfriend” in August. Subtle.

Why was it so hard?

I’m a fiercely independent, 39-year-old writer: I don’t usually have a problem telling friends/family/the internet what I’m up to. I was incredibly nervous about telling Brock’s parents I was in a new relationship, and simultaneously baffled by why I felt this way.

My in-laws are amazing people. Brock’s entire, very large family are all kind, generous, loving people. My reluctance had nothing to do with them.

Eventually, I realized I was projecting my own anxieties onto my in-laws.

A widow’s truth: nothing is for sure

When you’ve lost your life partner, it’s hard to believe that anything is permanent. I understood that this new relationship could end at any time: why would I bother to tell Brock’s family, and stir up any fresh grief, when there might be no boyfriend by our next visit?

Feelings are uncomfortable

At the same time, I was nervous about falling for someone new. Maybe because of Brock’s death, I’d walled up my feelings: I didn’t want to be vulnerable again. And, if I let myself feel anything for Ryan, and admit to others that I felt something for him, that might let other, less happy feelings creep out: my long-suppressed grief, helplessness and anger at Brock’s illness and death.

But I knew I had to tell Brock’s parents that I had a boyfriend. Maybe that was why I invited Ryan and his sons to join us at the family reunion: because it would force me to say the words when I introduced him to all those relatives.

My in-laws’ reaction

I could have also titled this: “How best to respond when your daughter-in-law tells you she’s dating someone new.”

My in-laws are wonderful people, and they proved it with how they reacted to my news during that terrifying phone call.

Immediately, my mom-in-law confessed that this had been their hope, that I’d find someone new. If anyone other than my in-laws said this to me, I’d be angry and upset. But coming from Brock’s parents, this was the best reaction.

They said they were excited to meet Ryan, and his kids.

And: they didn’t make me feel bad, for keeping this relationship from them for six (!) months.

Your reaction matters

To those of you reading this who know a widow: if they find someone new, please go easy on them. There are so many complicated feelings that come when we open our hearts to love again.

And, if you’re dealing with your own loss: go easy on yourself. I lost Brock 29 months ago, and I’m still recovering. You aren’t alone.

(Originally published on Medium.com on March 13, 2020.)

#

Thank you for reading! To join me on this epic adventure of being a writer, join my online Patreon community of “aiders & abetters,” or subscribe to my email newsletter.