Tag Archives: parenting

We’re Just Here for the Pictures

Once Upon a Time

It was early May and we were at the hot springs: steamy water, flowing from between 100-pound rocks into a series of pools. Lussier Hot Springs, one of many natural hot springs in the Columbia Valley, has been discovered but not yet developed, aside from the stone retaining wall and fenced path from gravel parking area to pools.

No admission fee, no lifeguards, no posted rules. Sometimes, no bathing suits.

We live less than an hour’s drive away from this little spot of paradise. It’s a must-do when guests have time for the drive.

In summer, these springs are so popular that a line can snake up the trail: urbanites and international tourists, towels in hand, await their turn to experience this natural phenomenon of sulphur-scented water trickling from the rocks through pools to a glacier-fed river.

Instagram tags have made these once-secret hot springs a popular, often over-run destination.

In early May we were there to revel in the hot water and alpine beauty before the tsunami of summer tourists and part-time residents engulfed our little community.

Despite the early season, we weren’t alone. We chatted with a couple from Alberta. Nodded to other locals.

A trio of young women arrived, stripped to bikinis and toques, and stepped carefully over the massive rocks. They squealed at the water’s heat, which is the temperature of a hot bath. They perched in the upper pool on folded legs, so as not to get their bikini tops wet, and took photos with their cell phones, as so many do.

It’s part of our job as parents to pass the traditions down, so my boyfriend and I lured his pre-teens and my five-year-old to the river.

I set an example: I waded into the icy current, then lay carefully on the slippery stones and leaned back. Not enough to float away. Enough for goose bumps to rise.

Then up and back to the river’s rocky edge.

A normal human being would immediately climb up to the hottest pool, to recover from the immersion in glacier run-off. But we’re parents and so we waited on the rocks, shivering and cheering on our kids, applauding their bravery as they too dunked in the river.

A rite of passage. Like rolling in the snow between soaks at the Fairmont Resort hot springs. Like walking through the shin-deep river at Marble Canyon, and back again, on numb feet. This is how we raise the next generation of mountain kids.

Finally the trial was over and we began picking our way carefully over the slippery stones, back up to the hottest pool. One extreme temperature to another.

We crossed paths with the young women, who were on their way to the river.

ME: “Are you going in too?”

WOMAN: “No. We’re just here for the pictures.”

What?

My heart broke for her then, and I’ve spent four months trying to articulate WHY her response made me feel so sad and disturbed that day.

“We’re just here for the pictures.”

After our exchange, I watched the women as they “experienced” the springs. They did not dip themselves in the icy river. They wandered upstream at one point and took turns doing classic Instagram poses: arms out. Backs to the camera. Sexy bikini poses with the forest as background. Toothy smiles for the selfies.

And then they left.

My Gut Reaction

I was sad for this woman and her friends. They’re young: they have a lifetime of possible adventures and experiences ahead of them. And yet, appearances seemed to matter more to them than their sense of adventure. If they were only there for the photos, were they really experiencing the natural hot springs?

If you stop to take a picture of you smelling a rose so you can post it on Facebook, and don’t even bother inhaling its scent, did you really stop to smell the roses?

It’s always an internal battle as to whether I bring the phone along when snowboarding.

So Many Questions

I wondered: if they’d driven the 37 minutes on the narrow gravel road to the hot springs, risking life and limb with the ever-present logging trucks around every sharp corner, and then discovered in the parking lot they’d left their phones behind, would they have simply turned back?

And: was their need for external validation something they would grow out of? Would these young women change when they matured?

But some people never grow out of this mindset. Consider the many, many subdivisions in Calgary (and other cities) where mansions rub elbows with mansions, their garages and off-site storage bays overflowing with speedboats, jet skis and other mechanical toys. For some of us, appearances and peer-defined success are what bring us meaning, direction and (we hope) happiness.

I wonder: when this woman at the pools said those words to me, did she startle herself? Could she hear how superficial and empty she sounded? Did she have a restless night, tormented by existential doubt? Or maybe she doesn’t see anything wrong with living a life merely for the images.

And maybe I was, and am, being judgemental. Maybe it’s fine to live as these young women do. Maybe a collection of photos and lots of Instagram followers and Facebook “likes” are valid goals, or at least just as valid as my own.

Ripples

Maybe this woman didn’t think twice about her words that day.

But they resonate with me.

Since that day, I’ve been more thoughtful about bringing my phone (which is my only camera) along on adventures, or not.

Sometimes, camera-less, I wish I could take a picture — like when we found that beach of gleaming mica dust south of Nakusp — and I have to settle for the memory.

I’ve found that, when we don’t have pictures to help us remember our adventures, stories and words become more important:

“Remember when the teenage magician emerged from the forest and healed cousin Matthew’s leg when he fell?”

“Remember how terrified we were on the log ride at Calaway Park? Remember how many bad words I said when we plummeted?”

And sometimes I test myself: right now, experiencing this super cool thing, do I NEED to take a picture? Do I NEED to share it on the Interwebs, to make this experience any more special?

It’s my new Stoic meditation. Regardless of the answer, I learn new things about myself. And, more often than before, I decide to leave my phone behind.

Obviously I NEEDED to get a photo of Optimus Prime, when we met him while in a line-up for the ferry.

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I’d love to hear your thoughts. Is a camera/phone essential for your adventures? Do you wrestle with how much to share via social media, or keep as a personal memory? How would you respond if someone said they were only there “for the pictures”? Please post a comment, share this post online or read more posts on this website.

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“What Am I Not Willing to Feel?”

I met with a counsellor last month, and one of the resonate-y pieces of wisdom she offered was for me to ask myself: “What am I not willing to feel?”

She meant this as a question for all of us to consider, at all times in our lives — it’s not just special wisdom for us widows.

I love this question. It echoed in my head throughout our session.

Epiphany: the five-year-old has feelings

We starting talking about my son at the end of our appointment, because I wanted him to meet with someone to help him with his hitting habit.

Oh, and also with any dad-grief thoughts he might be having at five years old.

My counsellor asked me how Isaac felt about his dad’s death.

My immediate response was: “He didn’t feel anything, He was too young.”

But of course that can’t be right. Even babies are affected by whether or not a caregiver answers their cries. We’re never too young to be scarred.

My brain knows Isaac must have experienced emotions while his dad had cancer, from ages one to four, and must have feelings now about the loss and lack of his dad. But I’ve never seen him cry or get upset when we talk about Brock, so I assumed Brock’s sickness and death were just more events in Isaac’s life. Like moving houses.

Yet … there’s the hitting, specifically of family members he loves and trusts. Those random explosions of bottled up fury, or sometimes even joy.

I realized I’ve never asked Isaac how he FEELS about his dad. In fact, I never ask Isaac how he feels about anything. We have a shelf stocked with books about feelings, and yet I’ve somehow failed in my role as emotional educator.

I assumed Isaac would be nervous about this ride, and told him we would go as slowly as he wanted. He kept saying: “faster, mom!” and finally just grabbed the control stick himself.

“What am I not willing to feel?”

I’m scared to discover that Isaac DOES have feelings about his dad’s cancer and death. I don’t want those three years to have damaged my kid. I don’t want to think that Brock and I made a wrong choice during those years, or that I did something wrong after Brock’s death.

I don’t want to have regrets.

And I’m nervous to discuss Isaac’s feelings about his dad, because I don’t want to poke at my own feelings.

Being a friend: “What Would Brock Do?”

One day, in 2016, I was feeling sad or frustrated about something, and Brock let me vent it all out. He was always a fantastic listener (after he died, many people commented on this Super Power of his in their cards and Facebook posts), and this particular time I felt incredible gratitude and catharsis after he let me talk.

He didn’t interrupt, he didn’t try to help, he didn’t try to broaden my perspective. He just listened.

Because I was free to talk out my thoughts, I was able to see my own limitations (eventually). I was able to broaden my own perspective. Just by listening, Brock helped me feel better.

It was a memorable experience. It felt like he’d given me a gift, just by listening and being present with me, and I thanked him. I wanted to be able to do that for my friends and family — to be that kind of listener.

And yet, the other night a friend called, with drama happening in his life and, instead of listening, I tried to help. Specifically, I pointed out the silver lining, I offered different perspectives, and I tried to come up with an action plan to “fix” things.

Ugh.

While this response might be helpful in some ways, I am NOT being the good friend and listener I want to be. I am not continuing Brock’s legacy. I am not growing as a person, and becoming a better friend.

I want to be a friend who can be present and listen. I want my friends to feel validated and heard.

“What am I not willing to feel?”

When a friend is sad, my first instinct is to make them happy again. I want to point out all the good things in their life, and help them “fix” their problem. Being present with negative feelings (sadness, anger) sounds stagnant to me — let’s move on.

This is how I got through three years of watching cancer kill my husband.

When I tried to distract my friend from his feelings, I was projecting my own need onto him: I assumed he didn’t want to FEEL his feelings, just as I try to avoid my own.

A fear of intimacy

I’ve written about this before — I have a hard time talking about my feelings, aside from on this website. My counsellor’s question, “What am I not willing to feel?,” helped me realize that I don’t like FEELING. I’m uncomfortable feeling anything other than happy or content.

And: I tend to assume my friends and family are like me, that they don’t want to FEEL things.

Regardless, I’m uncomfortable hearing about and feeling their feelings. Which is why I never ask my son how he’s feeling, and why I try to distract my loved ones from their emotions.

Somewhere along the way I put up an emotional wall: so that I could survive motherhood, so that I could survive watching Brock die over three years … or maybe before all of that. This wall stays up out of habit, and also to protect myself and this new life we’re creating.

Once again, I’m astonished and excited to realize I still have things to learn at age 39. I’m re-inspired to strive to listen like Brock could, to give my loved ones that gift of being heard. And I’m grateful to my counsellor for giving me this tool of self-reflection: “What am I not willing to feel?” is something to ask myself in every situation.

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I’d love to hear your thoughts. Are you a good listener? Are there feelings you prefer to avoid? Please post a comment, share this post online or read more posts on this website.

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