Living in a Warzone – Tuesday, Nov.1/05 – early a.m.
I tried to have a nap last night but then the neighbours decided that 6pm was a groovy time to light fireworks. Explosions make me jumpy. I was especially worried, though, about Seamus and Caramel. They were stomping, and the fireworks’ launching area was only about 20 feet away from their porch, and I was worried not only about them getting scared but also about shrapnal, etc., so I brought them into the kitchen for the night. I don’t know if it calmed them down at all, but I sure felt better.

Also, today is the Official First Day of National Novel Writing Month! I need to be inspired asap.

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Heather the Delivery Gal – Tuesday, Nov.1/05 – 8:02 pm
Q’s been slaving away for months getting the paperwork ready for a process called “Estimates,” which is when the Legislature gets to sit around ALL DAY and debate the budget for each ministry. ALL OF A SUDDEN it was our turn today, so Q not only ran out of Ebizo after ordering his sushi, he’s also still at work.

At dinner we were a Q&H SuperTeam of Ministry Helper Elves: Q took 16 orders for Baan Thai and I picked up drinks, cutlery and the hot food, and delivered it to Q at the Legislature.

Now I’m hanging around with Celeste, trying to distract her from her beloved man’s absence. We’re watching Law & Order with the fireplace on.

Law & Order: SVU
They gently mocked Canadian bureaucracy on tonight’s episode. I love it when American shows do that (e.g. West Wing . . .).

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I’m a Dork – Wednesday, Nov. 2/05
I was in the elevator with a ministry worker today and I wanted to chit chat . . .

HEATHER: “So, did you watch estimates last night?”

I’ve reached a new low.

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Pugnacious – Wednesday, Nov. 2/05 – 7:38 pm
All the media these days is about the Gomery report and Chretien’s reaction to being labeled as an evil wanker. One radio story described Chretien as “pugnacious” and all I can think about is Evy & Jared’s dog, Maddy . . .

Speaking of Doggies
Apparently Celeste likes the smell of rabbit food. After work today I picked up some veggies for the bunnies, and then got off the bus at my Holistic Pet Store for pellets. Celeste has never shown this much interest in anything I’ve carried into her house — and the bags are vacuum-sealed. She must have super powers.

I’m Boring
I worked from 6am until 4pm today with only a 30-minute lunch (and I didn’t even leave the building). It’s been crazy busy at work, which I love, but as a result I’ve had no mind-blowing adventures to amuse you with, and I’m sleepy. I had a nap on Q’s couch with Celeste . . . that was pretty fun.

Um.

I found a food that goes well with Mike’s Light Lemonade (it has low calories/carbs/whatever and tastes very very sour): Thai food. It’s the lemon, I think. The four-pack I bought months ago has lasted so long because it tastes icky, but something in paad thai makes the drink ideal.

Erm.

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Multitasking – Thursday, Nov.3/05
I’m a monotasker but my job makes me LOOK like a multitasker. There are 1,000 things to do at any given time, and I keep being distracted by one or the other, so I end up working on all of them in a day and therefore get them done in time. It might LOOK hectic and random . . . and it is. There is often a stack of open newspapers on my desk, a cup of tea that I’ve forgotten to drink, emails & documents & spreadsheets open on my computer monitor . . . one of the exciting parts of my job is trying to remember all the things I’m working on. Sometimes I make a list, just for fun.

SLEEP
I haven’t had enough this week.

And the Weather
It’s SO WINDY outside!!!! I hope the bunnies stay off the balcony walls today — they might blow away.

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Going to Vernon – Thursday, Nov.3/05 – 6:20 pm
Q’s Gramma, “Bucky,” is really sick. We’re driving to Vernon tonight. I will update from there . . .

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Pausing in Coquitlam – Nov.3/05 – 10:46 pm
The ferries were running late due to the wind and it’s snowing on the Coquihalla so we’re camped out here at Q’s friend Calla’s house. Such a nice bed. Will continue trek tomorrow.

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Vernon – Friday, Nov.4/05 – 9:25 pm
We made it here this afternoon, then went straight to the hospital to check in with Bucky & Suzanne. Q’s sister & nephew, Chrysta and John, were there visiting too. Then we came to Q’s house for a nap, and Zac called me (YAY!) and then we had Chinese delivery and went back to the hospital. They gave Bucky morphine and we sang lullabyes with her until she fell asleep.

I know all the family lullabyes because Q sometimes sings them to me.

Zac Called!
I was being dignified and not calling Zac because I wanted to give him the choice to continue spending time with me — I was the “picker-upper,” after all. He pointed out that this strategy could have led to disaster, if he’d chosen to do the same thing. Anyhoo, we had a good talk despite me being a terrible communicator via telephone. (I can never hear what anyone’s saying and I interrupt so much that it gets confusing.) I’m going to call him when I’m back in town Sunday or so — Zac said he might possibly be willing to watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with me, even though he’s a diehard fan of the original. I think he likes me.

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Finding Tea in the Boonies – Saturday, Nov.5/05 – 2:30 pm
The best tea I’ve located so far was in Abbotsford at a cafe called “City Blend Coffee” or “City’s Best Coffee” or something like that. (It emphasised coffee, and I wasn’t hopeful re: tea quality.) Not only did that have a wide selection of teas, including Numi, Tazo, and a house brand of large-leaf teas, but they also had a fireplace and comfy couches. I could live in Abbotsford, if I had that cafe in my neighbourhood.

This morning I settled for too-hot Starbucks Tazo.

There was something else I wanted to write but I can’t remember it — I should have written it down. Anyhoo, still in Vernon. I’ll be home tomorrow.

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Back to the Island – Sunday, Nov.6/05 – 9:35 am
We’re stopping in to see Bucky, have breakfast, and then we’re off. I expect we’ll be home around 7 or 8 . . . I have my phone, if anyone DESPERATELY misses me 🙂

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I Love My Home – Sunday, Nov. 6/05 – 8:55 pm
After spending 72 hours together, much of that time in a car, Q and I got a little hysterical on the ferry home. Still, I’m really glad I went with him. I would have worried if I hadn’t.

Bucky was surprisingly lucid this morning. There’s always the possibility that she might come out of this and go home and live for another decade. She even recognised me this morning, which is impressive since yesterday she thought Quinn was her brother.

Once home, I checked that the bunnies are all still alive, filled up their food dishes, and had a hot shower. I love my shower. And then I unpacked and made tea and called Mom to tell her I was alive, and then Zac to make plans for tomorrow.

Another Thing About Zac
I REALLY like his voice. It’s deep and kinda husky in a man way. (Evy says that’s the smoking.)

Another Thing About Not Dying on the Way Home
It was snowing on the Coquihalla. The roads up to and down from the summit were bare, albeit wet from melting snow. There were three cars in the ditch on the way up. The only scary part was the summit, because of the snow and slush. But Q is a great driver who likes to survive highway driving, even when trapped in a car with me for days on end. So we’re fine.

Work Tomorrow
I’m excited. Some guy on the ferry was reading today’s Times Colonist and there’s a story on the VERY FRONT PAGE about our ministry. The House isn’t sitting this week, so technically I have later-than-godawful-early hours, but I still set my alarm clock(s) for 6am. It’s going to be busy.

My Alarm Clock(s)
I have two: my cell phone, with three different alarm times, and a regular cordless clock. I think that I left this alarm clock set for 5:25 am when I left in a rush on Thursday. I half-expected it to be blaring when I got home tonight. But not only is it silent, it’s also missing. I’m hoping that Jessie hid it somewhere to muffle it. Otherwise, maybe I’m getting evicted tomorrow . . .?

NaDruWriNi (National Drunken Writing Night)
I really wanted to do this but I forgot. Oh well. Another time.

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Belated Update – Tuesday, Nov.8/05 – early a.m.
I wanted to write last night after Zac left but I was sleepy and chose a hot shower instead. Anyhoo.

I worked like a crazy fiend Monday, catching up on all the weekend news and dealing with Monday’s. At 3 I met Zac at Cafe Theatro and we drank Numi tea, then wandered over to Hollywood Tonight (with a stopover at the Liquor Express to grab some Fireball — more on that later). Charlie and the Chocolate Factory didn’t come out until Tuesday (today!) so we rented Ring II instead because I was in a tolerant mood and scary movies enable cuddling. At my house we made — I don’t remember what it’s called . . . it’s black tea with sugar and Fireball (aka cinnamon whisky) and it’s pretty damn good, once I got the ratio of tea:whisky right.

Things That Zac & I Talk About
– what is a preposition? What does it mean to end a sentence with one?
– is “contentedness” a word?
– political correctness (cool or not? relevant or passe?)
– whether we attended high school dances or not
– education: world-experience or academe?

Also, Zac has one of those woolie toques with the ear flaps and string ties . . . I’ve always loved those toques. I think this toque might be my Achilles’s heel. Even more potent than Buddy Holly glasses.

One of my weaknesses (i.e. it makes me squishy inside) is awkward, getting-to-know-each-other, sexual-tension-filled encounters. Sitting on a couch and watching movies is an excellent scenario for this sort of mood. It’s almost a shame once you get brave/comfortable enough to smooch, because then it’s a gradual slide into familiarity and (often) boredom. So I’m revelling in this whole experience.

Also, I got a quick smooch just before Zac’s bus came. Excellent.

Heather Gets Objective for a Moment
No, I’m not in love (yet) and this is definitely a physical & intellectual attraction. Zac is, I confess, 20. That’s younger than my brother, and pretty freaking young. Even though he often seems older. But he’s smart & shaggy (i.e. sexy) & a good person, and I REALLY like being around him, so he’s the perfect guy for me to know at this time.

In Other News
Mom & Dad gave me a mattress for Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited. It’s going to be delivered sometime this week. I can’t wait.

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Noon Nap = Longer Day – Tuesday, Nov.8/05 – 8:23 pm
I slept from 3:30 until 5:30, when Matte woke me up via cell phone. We’re going to reconnect tomorrow.

And now, The Rick Mercer Report is on CBC, so I have to go watch that. Canadian duty.

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Unexpected SnuggleFest – Wednesday, Nov. 9/05 – midnight
Too tired to write a lot — will update properly tomorrow. But Zac smooched me and it was great.

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To Recap – Thursday, Nov.10/05 – early a.m.
After work yesterday I wandered around downtown doing errands and waiting for Matte to remember to call me so we could meet up and drink together. Errands included: mailing Q’s passport application, buying gum, browsing books & new Sudoku collections at Chapters, chatting up Liv while a line of customers waited, choosing a Real Red Wine (“Four Emus” from Western Austalia) and some faux vino for me. Matte didn’t call, but Zac did, so I invited him to have dinner with Q, Brian & me at Q’s house. We met up downtown and went to Q’s, had dinner, snuggled Celeste, etc. After dinner we walked to my house and drank the rest of the faux vino and Zac FINALLY (at 10 or 11 p.m.) was brave enough to smooch me. So that was fun.

New Things I Like About Zac
– he’s a perfect kisser;
– he’s not scrawny-skinny, or pudgy — he’s just right;
– he has amazing huge eyes, which I only noticed when he took his glasses off for a quick minute;
– his sexy deep voice and woolie toque with earflaps (these aren’t new things, but they’re certainly worth repeating).

Plans For the Weekend
Tonight Zac is meandering over to my place and we’re going to FINALLY watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Also, I hope my new mattress comes today!!! I’ve been leaving notes for the Purolater delivery person since Tuesday, just in case. I want to sleep without hurting my spine.

Friday I will be preparing The Great Greek Feast of 2005 at Q’s place. We’ve invited all sorts of people whom we haven’t seen in awhile. I’m going to make spanakopitas, salad, rice, pita bread & hummus, and Q will fire up his amazing BBQ and make chicken souvlakis. Also, I want to make pie if I have the time/inclination. Lemon meringue. Yummy.

And the rest of the weekend, the actual weekend, is surprisingly open. I’d like to go on a long walk with Celeste & Q, and I need to clean up the bunnies’ litter boxes. And do my dishes. Wow, this might actually be restful!!!

As For Matte
He called (and left a message) at 5:30pm. I think there was some vast miscommunication when we planned our encounter — I was asleep, after all — because he thought he was waiting for me to have a nap before we met up. Makes sense — I was probably muttering “sleep sleep sleep” on the phone.

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Preparing To Prepare a Feast – Friday, Nov. 11/05 – 10:08 am
I even remembered to bring the hand mixer to Q’s! And last night I went to Safeway and bought all the groceries, so I feel rather prepared to cook this Amazing Greek Dinner for our guests.

Deja Vu?
Just to prove that my life is ALWAYS TOO COMPLICATED, Zac will not be at dinner tonight, and will be AWOL for almost two weeks because . . .

. . . wait for it . . .

. . . his ex-girlfriend from Germany is visiting. To credit the man, he told me about this awhile ago and emphasised that it was a “friendly” visit, and that they’d broken up after she had the ticket so it’d be awkward no matter what. Regardless, I can’t help hearing bizarre echos of Shawn . . . except that Shawn was just my Man Friend & not a Snuggle Partner, and he was still dating his long-distance girlfriend, and that she ended up staying in Victoria after her “visit,” and that Shawn is incapable of having female friends AND a girlfriend. (Zac might have the same fault, but that’s a long way ahead.)

Whatever. I had a great night last night.

Other Updates
My new mattress: still not here — I can’t wait!!!

Bucky (Q’s gramma who was sick last weekend): they think she had a stroke. Q hasn’t given me many other updates, but I think she’s doing better.

Charlie & the Chocolate Factory: I think Zac liked it, except for a few elitist groans of disapproval. I urged him to consider the film as an aesthetic celebration of the original classic, with Tim Burton & Johnny Depp using all our crazy new technology to pay homage to Roald Dahl.

The bunnies: Peter’s perfectly fine, but I’m worried that the bunnies might not like the increasingly chilly weather (depite bunnies being PERFECTLY FINE IN COLD WEATHER), so I’m going to grab some straw and pack the lower level of their cage with it so they can have a burrow for the colder season.

The Menu For Tonight
– spanokopitas
– pita & red-pepper hummous
– special rice
– Greek salad
– Kalamata olives for those who like olives (ew)
– chicken souvlakis
– 2 lemon meringue pies

I’m wearing my “ACME Pie Factory” shirt: I’m ready to go.

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Some Saturday Thoughts – Nov. 12/05 – 12:57 pm
Our dinner was freaking phenomenal. I’m amazing.

Some new twists to my staple dinner recipes included:
– Quinn doesn’t have white sugar, only Splenda, so I had to use that in the lemon filling & the meringue for my pies. The filling tastes fine, but the meringue is strangely frothy (rather than sleek) and once cooked it looks like baked cereal. Tastes fine, although it’s a little crispy and overly sweet.
– I put only egg yolks into the spanokopita filling, rather than yolks + whites. This way there wasn’t weird green goop oozing out from the final products — and there was more of the proper spinach taste. Also, I used extra onions and that made it a little sweeter. Very nice.

Anyhoo, yum. And now I’m having Greek food for breakfast 🙂

I stayed over at Q’s last night, and Celeste snuggled with me ALL NIGHT LONG. I woke up in the middle of the night with her licking my ear. A lot.

And this morning I thought about two things, so here they are:

Rememberance Day
I didn’t go to the ceremony yesterday, what with preparing the huge feast, but I watched Vancouver’s ceremony on TV and did my two minutes of silence.

I tried to find the channel with Victoria’s ceremony, but couldn’t. Vancouver’s had two commentators and it was rather surreal, in a creepy disrespectful way.

COMMENTATOR 1: So, what’s happening right now?

COMMENTATOR 2: Well, here we have Jim Bob singing the national anthem. Jim Bob is a Big Name Singer with the Vancouver opera or something.

COMMENTATOR 1: Here we can see the veterans and the crowd standing for Oh Canada, and Jim Bob singing. What a sight, these people who came all this way despite the terrible weather to honour our veterans.

COMMENTATOR 2: Jim Bob’s done singing now. What’s happening next?

et cetera.

I don’t know anyone from any war . . . my Grampa Walker was in the Royal Canadian Air Force, but he died even before my dad met my mom. So every time they do the 2 minutes of silence I’ve tried to find something to think about that is respectful and means something. This year I’ve been surveying some of the 20-something men in my life and asking if they’d fight in a war. The majority have said they would, depending on the cause, and so I suppose this might have some meaning for me: the idea of Q and Matte and Zac and everyone killing people or dying. Especially since they are all so sensitive and non-aggressive (in a physical way). Not to mention that me & my women-friends would face the same decision and the same danger if we chose to go, since we live in such a liberated society 🙂

2nd Rumination : Marijuana
I hate it. I might be the only person of my generation in B.C. who’s never tried it. I always worried that:

1. it’d make me stupid, and my brain’s my SuperPower so then I’d be fucked; and
2. it’d do something funky to my ovaries so my babies would be fucked up. Bad Momma.

And NOW I’m starting to think that maybe this “drinking alcohol” thing wasn’t such a great idea, because my short-term memory is getting worse. I’d assumed that I’d inherited my terrible memory from Mom, but maybe I inherited an “alcohol = terrible memory” gene instead.

So
That’s what I’ve been thinking about. And now, having eaten Greek leftovers and some pie with crispy meringue, I think the Q and I will take Celeste for a good long walk.

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Awake Too Early On Sunday – Nov.13/05 – 8:32 am
Peter is stepping on my toes. He loves my slippers, and wants to suck on the ribbon ties . . .

Liv and I went out to Evolution last night. It was fun fun fun!!!!

Stange people I observed include:
– a 20-something guy who claimed a table by the dance floor, smooched with his girlfriend, then wandered onto the floor and did stretches for 15 minutes. The he started dancing, and didn’t stop until we left at 2:30am. His roommate came over to drunkenly chat with me at one point, because she said I was staring at him (oops) and I said “I know ‘mos, I’ve dated gay men, and that boy is gay.” And she said, “No, he’s engaged.” And I said, “Honey, that matters not.” She was nice.

Eventually Roger (the guy) took his outer-shirt off, to reveal the best T-shirt I’ve ever seen. It said: “Broke, and shitty in bed.”

– a skinny girl with a Mohawk who wore leather pants and looked like N-something on last season’s America’s Next Top Model.

– a gal with horns and cool clunky black boots laced with red ribbons.

Liv was looking hot, as usual. And I felt healthy, since I was dancing, which is technically exercise, even though I was also chugging vodka.

Being A Good Bunny Momma
Q drove me to Borden’s Mercantile yesterday and I bought a feedbag of straw. I crammed it into the lower level of Seamus & Caramel’s cage last night, and so now they have a burrow to cuddle in if/when they get cold.

Now all I need is to clean their fetid litterbox, and then I’ll be a Bunny Momma SuperStar.

Q’s Complete Misconception of Me
Conversation, post-strata council get-together at Q’s new house:

Q: You should date that Jim guy. He’s what I picture for you.

HEATHER: He’s pretty, but what else do you like about him?

Q: He’s athletic, and into that New Agey stuff.

HEATHER: I’m not athletic.

Q: I know. He might get you to exercise more.

HEATHER: I don’t like dating athletic men. Then I feel guilty about wanting to sit on the couch and watch movies and drink tea. They always want to go out and DO stuff.

Q: Exactly.

HEATHER: And what are you talking about, New Agey stuff? I’m not into that whole hippy-dippy shit.

Q: Have I influenced you too much?

HEATHER: I was never into that stuff.

Q: When I met you, you were dancing barefoot in the grass in long skirts.

HEATHER: I would never have done that. There’s too much rabbit shit at UVic.

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Productive Day – Sunday, Nov. 13/05 – 7:13 pm
Not only did I do all my dishes, dust, and take out the garbage, I also went on a 10 km walk around Elk Lake with Q and Celeste. It was muddy, and I think I have blisters. I hope we do it again soon.

Also, someone found my site today via an excite.com search for “Dwight Yokum’s penis.” No, I do not mention Dwight Yokum’s penis on this site. However, I DO compliment his sexy spider legs in On the Rag.

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More Drama, Because Apparently I Don’t Have Enough – Monday, Nov.14/05
I received an icky email from Zac’s email account: capital letters, lots of exclamation marks, and some random name-calling. I think it’s from his visiting (ex?) girlfriend. Ew. Completely unnecessary. I have no choice but to avoid contacting the guy, at least until she leaves for Germany.

I’m too old for this!!!!!

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I’m Loved & Appreciated! – Tuesday, Nov.15/05
Boss-Barb said a nice thing about me today. She said that underneath my “cute” exterior I’m very very smart and ridiculously competent.

A nice thing for a boss to say . . . it made me feel squishy inside.

Sleeping In
My alarm clocks haven’t been working this week. I keep sleeping in. 5 am is ungodly early, but since I go to bed at a proper time (8:30pm or 9) I don’t understand the problem. Every morning I’m amazed that I managed to get to work on time!

Atomic Vaudeville: The Secret is Out!
Britt Small has released the confidential details of AV’s next episode . . .

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Trying to Think of Something Other Than . . . – Wednesday, Nov.16/05 – 3:47 pm
. . . Zac’s psycho German girlfriend, and her surprising Email o’ Hatred earlier this week.

For the record, here’s what it said (sent from Zac’s email account, in response to a VERY INNOCUOUS email I’d sent. No “xxxooo”s or anything):

PSYCHO GERMAN GIRLFRIEND’S EMAIL:
“LEAVE MY BOYFRIEND ALONE YOU UGLY SLUT!!!!!!”

Q’s response: that’s what I get for “dating” a young’un.

My response: Q’s right. Also, here are the thoughts that keep bothering me, thereby making this icky experience resonate for longer than it deserves:

1. Ew, ew, I don’t like people being mean to me. Except that it’s better that she she doesn’t even know me, since therefore there’s no authority behind her name-calling.

2. Clearly there’s some miscommunication here, since Zac told me they’d broken up and it was a “friendly” visit. One of them is not being honest.

3. Despite what their relationship was like before the visit, the Psycho German Girlfriend (PGG) clearly believes that Zac is her boyfriend, and therefore he must have done something to encourage this idea (i.e. have sex with her). While this in itself doesn’t bother me, since we are only “dating,” it does imply that:
a.) he misled me with the whole “friendly visit” thing; and that
b.) if he still expects to have me around when the visit is over, then he’s being ridiculously selfish by leading his PGG to believe they are “together.”

So . . . correct me if I’m wrong, but this means that there is a 98% chance that Zac is a dink. (The 2% is because I always give someone the chance to tell their side of the story, and she might be truly Psycho and it might all be a big fucking mess.)

Which means that I’m back to a pre-bus situation, and we all need to find me someone new to go out with.

Ugh.

In Other, More Grown Up News
My mattress still isn’t here! Damn that Purolator.

And I am very excited about Atomic Vaudeville next week . . .

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Another Perspective – Thursday, Nov. 17/05 – early a.m.
Q suggested an alternate understanding of the PGG/Zac situation last night. The PGG must have had some source for her knowledge of me and my relationship with Zac, other than the email I sent — the email could easily have been from a friend or whatever. So maybe she knows about me because Zac told her about me. And maybe their visit is a “friendly” one, but she’s truly psycho and therefore wants me to go away because she’s jealous or possessive.

I like this perspective, because I like Zac and I want to keep him around. I suppose it’s better than writing him off — at least until he gets a chance to explain what the hell happened.

And hey, I liked his first “excessively formal email” that he sent me after our bus encounter! It’s far better than:

Hey
Got you’re note
Send a pic
– bus guy

ew.

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Some Stuff – Friday, November 18, 2005 – early a.m.
Q came over to visit and watch The Daily Show after his gym time last night. I bought parsley yesterday after work, and Q even managed to get Peter to eat some from his hand, which is truly remarkable since Peter is so tramautised by Q’s aggressively snuggling back in his bunnyhood. Also, Peter cooperated and played Monster a little bit: he growls and makes bizarre, un-bunnylike sounds in response to me waving a piece of toilet paper at his front paws. Sometimes he lunges too, and that’s crazy, but he didn’t do that for Q. Oh well, at least he’s stopped hiding under the couch.

Heather the Chunky Monkey
I’ve gained a lot of weight this year. I think it’s due to my always-sitting government job & my bread fetish. So instead of the 109/115 I weighed until last year, I’m now a pleasantly plump 132 lbs. It’s been a thrilling experience adjusting to my new size: new bras, new pants, almost-new dresses that I have to give away, coming to terms with backfat and love-handles . . . anyhoo, I realised yesterday that in my head I’ve started to picture myself with a stocky, chubby body shape. And then I looked down, and I’m not stocky or chubby. I’m a healthy weight for my height and age, and I have new boobs and curvy bits. It’s very confusing. Especially since whenever someone sees me after a long time they tend to comment on my new “chubbiness.”

Q’s DAD: Wow, you’ve really chunked-up!

I think this will all be for the best, once my mental self-image catches up with the reality. Until then, I’ll keep wearing inappropriate clothing.

Nightmare
Last night I dreamt I went to a concert or a play or something and I’d bought tickets ($31 each – very specific) for me and a friend. But then when we sat down I couldn’t see the stage AT ALL, and for some reason I didn’t properly notice or think it was worth mentioning/fixing until after the show.

What the hell does that mean, if anything???? I would never “suffer in silence.” And for some reason, in the dream I blamed it all on the friend, who never asked if I could see. Again, not like me: I would have caused a scene, regardless.

Um
And that’s about it, I think. No further drama to report re: love affairs. Work has been insanely busy — I was at the office from 6am until 3:45pm yesterday, with a quick sushi lunch around noon. And Mom says my new mattress (!!!!!) is backordered or something.

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Rotarian Arm Candy – Friday, Nov. 18/05 – 11:16 pm
Q took me to a Rotary thingy tonight. We had dinner and heard Stephen Lewis speak. Interesting information (although disgusting) re: AIDS in Africa, orphans, Western World apathy, et cetera.

Now, to bed.

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Sleepy at 10:33 a.m. – Saturday, Nov. 19/05
I only got out of bed because I had to pee. And because I could hear Seamus & Caramel chewing on something wooden, and it didn’t sound familiar, so I wanted to see what they were snacking on (it was a detachable, homemade window screen that they’ve dug out from behind their cage).

The saddest thing on Saturday mornings is that I so often don’t have any milk in the house. Therefore, I can’t drink tea. So I have to decide if I want tea enough to get sort of presentable and wander down to the gas station to buy a litre of milk.

Also, I have these ankle socks that are really soft inside and I wear them when I sleep if my feet are cold. They are wonderful.

Something With Substance Gets Written Here
um.

Oh!! I saw Stephen Lewis speak last night. It was a lot like reading Barbara Kingsolver’s book, that one about a missionary family living in Africa: after reading it I felt nauseaus in Safeway because of Western excess and consumerism and waste.

Stephen Lewis has done everything that I one day think Quinn will: politics, diplomacy, and now he’s the United Nations’ envoy on HIV and AIDS, which means that he travels around and meets with dignitaries and HIV/AIDS-affected people and speaks at fundraisers, et cetera. He is a very good speaker — primarily because of his exceptional vocabulary. Q learned the word “irreverent” and I finally heard the correct pronunciation of “succor.” He is funny and charismatic — even I, who know all about the speechwriting machinations that go on, thought he was improvising at times.

And I’m impressed that after LIVING DAILY with the same rage and frustration that Barbara Kingsolver’s book inspired in me — he’s been dealing with the Western world’s apathy for more than four years now — Stephen Lewis still manages to attend a Rotarian dinner with all those accountants & business people, the catered meal, and those other Western excesses, and he doesn’t open fire on all of us. He just tells us how shitty things are, and then we donate money to help out.

Last night they raised more than $27,000 — we never heard the final count after the silent auction was tallied.

Oh, and I was also impressed that he didn’t censor his message for the Rotarian (often elderly male) audience: he spoke about sexually empowering African women to stop the gender-disproportionate spread of HIV, and he told a story about a “child-headed household” where the 14 year old “mother” (their parents had died from AIDS) had no idea why she was menstruating, because there was no one alive to tell her.

Every year the government in BC campaigns to get its employees to donate, and twice now I’ve searched through all the human-focused causes to select the Victoria SPCA and other wildlife organizations. And even now, the primary focus of my “non-profit” donations is local theatre. Every time, I feel somewhat guilty that I’m not supporting a homeless shelter, and last night I wondered about giving that money to African organisations. (“Holocaust,” “annihilation” and “extermination” are powerful words.)

But I’m not going to change the focus of my sponsorships. I wonder why not?

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Unhappy Internet Gods – Sunday, Nov.20/05 – 9:39 am
It’s as if my modem and/or cable connection are tired. My internet access depends on their mood. But a Shaw service guy is coming to fix everything later today, so hopefully that will be resolved.

I hadn’t realised how internet-dependent I’ve become until last night, when I couldn’t check my email. Who knows what drama has occurred! Has the PGG written me a death threat? Has Zac begged for a secret booty-call? Has Hollis said his first word yet??????!! Very upsetting.

In Other Upsetting News
Jessie & I saw a poster at A&B Sound yesterday: in medias res is coming to play in Victoria this Thursday. Questions:

1. why weren’t Q and I told, since we are in medias res’s Victoria connections???
2. will Ryan inform us at all? (Even to ask if they can use Q’s place to camp out, or the shower or something?)

Also, how fucked up is this, that just as the PGG is about to go away and I’m expecting after-shock drama with Zac (will we still be “dating”??) Ryan my Rockstar decides to come to Victoria. Nothing is ever static or simple in my world. How is it in yours???

Oh, and Jimmy
Last night Jessie & Karen & I went to drink martinis at Syn, and we were looking very hot. A table of guys in suits kept staring at us, and we were loving the attention, and then I got a note from the waitress with my name on it. It was from Jimmy, and he asked if he could buy me a drink.

Very bizarre.

And then I realised that one of the guys in suits (he had his back to me, so I’m forgiven here) was Jimmy. So he came over and I had to explain/dodge why I haven’t called/emailed him back:

HEATHER: Why are you all wearing suits?

And then Jimmy’s food arrived so he returned to his table, and one of his friends (the birthday boy, and the reason they were wearing suits) sent us a round of drinks, so we sent him a muff diver (which is a shot surrounded by whipped cream and lots of chocolate foam — very messy — and you’re supposed to “dive” into the cream to get the shot glass with your mouth). That was amusing.

And then we left.

Eventually, after experiencing the BIGGEST CROWD OF 40-SOMETHINGS at Swans EVER and leaving, we ended up at The Temple. The Temple is a pseudo-Vancouver martini bar. Also, by then we’d picked up Jessie’s friend Channelle and her boyfriend Dave, and their friend Ben. And Karen’s friend Greg came over for a bit, and Ben invited his guy friend over, so at any given point we were SURROUNDED by beautiful, single 25-35 year old men.

Yummy.

It was a very odd experience. Conversation was superficial and centred mostly around careers, except for when I brought up Fraggle Rock, but that’s just because I was drunk.

In retrospect, I’m not entirely sure why Jessie & I left when we did, because by then the couple had left and seating arrangements had shifted and I think Ben & friend were moving closer to us. Hmm.

Well, whatever, we were sleepy and we wandered off, and now I’m going to drink a pot of tea before the cable guy comes and then I’m going to help Liv move.

Oh, Updates re: Liv
Not only is Liv moving, due to a sudden break up with her boyfriend and roommate, but ALSO she’s coming to work at our ministry!!!!!!!!! Her first day is November 28th. I can’t wait.

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And Suddenly, It’s Practically Monday – Nov. 20/05 – 9:03 pm
I’m doggy-sitting Celeste until Q gets back from Vernon sometime Tuesday night. We played catch in the hallway, and I brushed her twice, and we wrestled in front of the fireplace for a bit. Also, I ate some REALLY REALLY BAD gyoza from the freezer. They tasted SO BAD that I had to drink fifty glasses of water and brush my teeth just to get the taste out of my mouth. Ick.

I somehow managed to be productive today while feeling like I was doing everything half-assed. My dishes are clean, the bunnies are all fed and watered (Peter even has a new, clean litterbox), I helped Liv & her brother Bjorn move a load into her new apartment, I had dim sum with Billy and Q, I got a new modem, I talked to my parents, I ate two or three meals, . . .

Lately I’ve been extra stupid at my Sudoku puzzles. It’s taking me longer to figure them out, and I’ve been stuck on one in particular all day long. Mom suggests the following reasons:

1. I drink alcohol and alcohol kills brain cells;
2. I’m very very very busy and don’t have the brain energy to remember things (or think logically) anymore.

So, somehow it’s already the end of the weekend. I’m going to have a shower and snuggle with Celeste in Q’s excellent bed. I wonder if Celeste will be awake enough at 5am to go outside for a pee?

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New Years – Monday, November 20, 2005 – 7:43 pm
We’re having a party at Q’s — last year’s was SO MUCH FUN and this year we have even more people we like. I want to put up Christmas decorations at Q’s again — he hates Christmas so every year I’m determined to overdo it. I tried to get the tree out of storage before he left for Vernon but he saw through my sneakiness. I’ll have to wait for December 1st to do the tree.

Anyhoo, I’ve been thinking of resolutions this year. I used to try all those crappy ones, like eating properly and exercising, etc., but they never last — only the writing ones stick around. In 2004 I wanted to get published, so that was the mission. And this year I wanted to write everyday, and not in a vacuum, and HERE WE ARE, and it’s November, and I have pages and pages on this stalker-friendly site. So 2006??? I dunno — I’ve applied for my MFA in Creative Writing at UBC, I have plays ready to be workshopped and produced . . . and I have this site, which I want to keep around for awhile longer.

The best thing about making a resolution each year is that it assuages guilt. If I’m focussed on keeping up this site, I don’t feel guilty for not submitting my stuff to publications; if my goal is to get published, I don’t have to write everyday. My energy can go to one thing, and then I actually get it done.

Anyhoo. Celeste and I went for a walk tonight after dinner — around the block or three — and now she’s passed out by the patio door. She’s either exhausted or it’s too hot in here with the fireplace on . . . I made myself steak for dinner on Q’s BBQ, and I confess I gave the little tubby bitch a piece or two. The walk was for both our bellies . . .

Writing Every Day
One might expect that “writing every day” should mean poetry or part of a story or something. HOWEVER. Writing is like any skill — like being a marathon runner. I would never wake up and decide to run 10 km without stretches and a gradual build-up of endurance & fitness. (Well, that’s not a good example — I rarely wake up and want to do anything other than drink tea and/or eat eggs.) It takes practice to be able to write, because a sort of non-self-monitoring mentally is necessary. It has to be effortless, like speaking, and that’s why I disapprove of the “I’ll be a writer when I retire” mentality. Imagine spending all that time working, having a family, and/or watching TV, only to sit down one day when you’re 60-something and expect to create a masterpiece. It’s a set-up for disappointment. And shitty writing.

So this is me stretching.

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Ugh – Tuesday, November 22/05 – lunchtime
Poor Jessie just endured an entire lunch break with me in a pissy mood. I feel icky, bored, stagnant, unloved, dull, flacid . . . oh, hold on!!! This is PMS!!!

YAY!! It’s not my fault!!!!! My life doesn’t suck!!!!

Also, Liv is having Jessie & me over to unpack and drink & bitch about shit tonight. I need this.

To-Do List
7th Annual Lighted Truck Parade & Food Drive: December 3, 2005

Help find a cure for AIDS.

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Home Sweet Home – Tuesday, November 22/05 – 8:50 pm
I love my apartment. It’s crowded and cluttered and tiny and there’s hay everywhere, but I love it. I’ve unpacked all my house/doggy-sitting stuff, and had a shower, and now I get to sleepy in my own bed (a nice change, regardless of the crappy mattress) and struggle with progressively trickier Sudoku puzzles while listening to Peter eat his dinner. Heaven.

Q’s flight was endangered due to the fog, but he landed fine, and we went to pick up a parcel that’s been waiting for him, and there was a present FOR ME TOO!!!!!!! It was a really really beautiful pink pashmina scarf and pink blouse/shirt from Dean in Pakistan. I’m not usually one to appreciate fabric, but wowee, this scarf is the most beautiful thing I have ever owned. It’s long and wide and silky, and it’s the pink that makes me prettiest. The shirt might be too big, but I’ll try it tomorrow for work — it’s just so beautiful. I feel like a sophisticated grown up. I needed something to replace my ratty pink wool scarf (it’s probably filthy with plague/avian flu germs by now) and Dean’s scarf is perfect.

Anyhoo, that surprise gift o’ love and the return of my best friend & Non-Romantic Life Partner was exactly what I needed to perk me up. Oh, and that 1/2 bottle of Wild Vines Blackberry 🙂

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Pretty in Pink Pashmina – Wednesday, Nov.23/05
My new shirt/blouse is beautiful. It’s long, especially in the sleeves, but my boobs and belly fill it out fine. I feel like a princess.

Liv called and asked me to do a final Throw Shit Into the Dumpster Clean Up with her after she’s done work — if anyone feels inspired to come and help us for half an hour, we’d both appreciate it. I want to put a mattress under her 2nd story living room window and drop the garbage. From there it’d only be 20 steps to the dumpster . . .

And As For Zac
His PGG left and now I’m just wondering if he’ll call me. I expect the whole visit was dramatic & emotionally-draining and confusing, and I want to wait for him to call before I/we figure out what’s next. Meanwhile, I’m in love with the cover guy on this week’s Monday Magazine . . .

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So Tired – Wednesday, Nov.23/05 – 8:25 pm
Liv & I carried loads of garbage & bottles & old clothes & furniture from apartment to dumpster for almost two hours, then carried stuff up to her storage locker in the new place, and then she bought me Wendy’s and we ate and fantasized about her working at the ministry next Monday. And now I’m going to have a shower and go to bed.

Also:
HAPPY 22nd BIRTHDAY, JOEY!!!

I thought about you being older ALL DAY LONG 🙂 I love you.

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EEK!!!! So Excited!!! – Thursday, Nov.24/05 – 2:54 pm
I can’t wait for Atomic Vaudeville tonight.

Meanwhile, I Take Control of the Shit
I sent this email to Zac this morning:

Hello?
I assume your visit is over, and that either:
1. you have reunited with your German love and intend to do the long-distance thing, or
2. not.
Just in case, I thought I’d say hi, and that if your world &/or availability have changed then that’s fine. Otherwise, give me a call, dammit, because there are daily adventures that you are missing out on.
Also, if you could please confirm that you get this email, I’d appreciate it, since I suspect your German love has your password and I will otherwise think she’s deleted it.
Happy Thursday 🙂
– Heather

No response as yet . . .

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Setting Goals is Crucial to Success – Friday, Nov.25/05
I’m so tired. Usually I get at least one day per week to sleep all afternoon, but I was too busy and now I’m a zombie. Immediate goal: a nap, with Celeste, in front of the fireplace at Q’s house.

I realised the other day, while riding escalators with Jessie in The Bay, that I’m such a good little work-finder that all I have to do is apply those same strategies to men, and I will no doubt find true love. Or at least a decent snuggle partner to spend the winter with. Key strategies include: networking; aggressive self-promotion; being open to new opportunities; and dressing appropriately at opportune times. So this means that I should put forth a call via my friends and colleagues, approach sexy men I discover on the bus/street, go out to different bars/clubs/social gatherings, and dress like a sexy 25 year old.

I’m too tired to be overly enthused about this new project.

Meanwhile
Still no word from Zac. Last night Britt & the other Atomic Vaudeville monkeys revealed that they’d composed and even developed a “Canadian Heritage” moment taken directly from my site, about the 98% chance of Zac being a dink. They ultimately cut the skit, since only six of us in the audience would have found it hilarious, but Britt has promised to burn the audio component for me so I can hear it.

Jacob asked me if I would have minded — it’s a personal drama, after all — but I assured him that I would not. If Zac had called/emailed and subsequently attended the performance with me, he could have had a say in it, but since he didn’t/hasn’t then he’ll just have to deal. Ha! So there! See what happens why you piss me off? People get on stage and mock you. HA!

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Weekends Are the Grooviest – Saturday, Nov.26/05 – 9:28 am
I slept at Q’s from 3:30pm almost straight through to 10pm. And then I came home and went to bed. So now I feel RECHARGED and READY TO TAKE ON THE WORLD. Also, I took an extra 20mg of Happy Pills this morning. I’m a positive-thinking SuperStar.

I had the depressing experience of being rejected by American Express because of my crappy credit. (Seriously — who gets rejected by a credit card company????) But I can’t help it, I swear — it’s those goddamn student loans, and my occassional tendency to forget to make the payments. And student loan collectors are ruthless: one hour late, and your personal info is on its way to Texas so that some drawling minimum wage redneck can call you on your cellphone and threaten the lives of your house rabbits.

Money is my unhappiness-button. It was rather tramautic trying to survive as a student for five years with no secure income. (Hello Happy Pills!!!) And even now, with my government-whore salary and relative security, I panic when it comes to money.

Whatever. Thank you Stephen Lewis for some perspective: I’m not HIV-positive, living in poverty with an apathetic global community watching.

Another Realm of Self-Pity
I’m not comfortable with being not-in-control of certain situations, so I called Zac yesterday after work.

HEATHER: Is this Zac?

ZAC: Is this Heather?

HEATHER: What the fuck?

Essentially Zac is exactly what we all are at 20: obliviously in love with our first love. His PGG came to visit, and they bonded, and they want to try the long-distance thing. This DESPITE THE FACT that she told him about the psycho email she sent me the VERY DAY that she sent it. Not only did this not make him turn her over to immigration — he also didn’t feel the need to call/write and apologise to me asap. So all in all, not the biggest loss in the world that I won’t be seeing him again. As for being a dink, I think he’s just young. Aren’t we all dinks when we’re young?

Now, while this does not make me sad in the sense that Zac is gone from my snuggle-couch, it DOES make me sad because this is YET ANOTHER rejection. I keep “offering” my affection to unworthy men (and I even know they’re unworthy! I just want the momentary thrill!) and they play along for a few days, and then they say, “No thanks, Heather.”

If I had worse self-esteem, it’d be a lot easier to tolerate. But as it is, I know that these boys aren’t “good enough” for me — they’re young and/or weak and/or unambitious. So it’s a lot harder to accept that they don’t want my affection.

Q (currently a Love-Guru because he’s found a Great Catch) says that I’m too focussed on FINDING a snuggle partner/True Love. He says I have to be okay with not having one, and that’s when I’ll find it.

This is crap. Especially if you consider my clever work-strategy analogy detailed above.

I’m a very independent woman — I don’t want a housemate or even daily boyfriend. But just as we all need money to pay our rent and buy groceries/martinis, we also need someone to snuggle with occassionally and feel appreciated by. I get some snuggles and love from Q, Jessie, Liv, etc., but we all know that’s not the same thing.

Whatever.
I’m going to try and realign my energies toward writing. Specifically:
1. getting another play on stage; and
2. creating a new portfolio of current writing.

After my AmEx rejection, I started thinking about how I’d feel if my MFA application was rejected. And that would cause serious trauma. Aiming for my MFA counters my daily government-whoring: I haven’t sold out, because I still plan to Be A Writer. If UBC thinks I suck, I don’t know what’s next. Therefore, a new portfolio and a new MFA application would revive my Writerly Goals.

Also
Spencer’s cutting my hair today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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A New Do = A New You – Sunday, Nov.27/05 – 12:04 pm
Spencer’s said that getting a haircut is a traumatic experience, since it involves a great deal of change in a short amount of time. I get haircuts whenever I need this trauma (or when I remember to make an appt, because my hair is becoming mullet-like). Yesterday Spencer dyed my hair a very blonde-blonde (we tried out a new dye they’d ordered, called “ash”) and chopped it. I love it. It’s different from the cut I’ve been getting for most of this past year, but it’s short and frazzled and soft.

Last night, Spencer & Q and I watched Cold Case Files and gradually desensitized ourselves to murder, torture, and unwarranted conviction. And we drank a lot of wine. And then we went to Brian’s house, which by the way is BEAUTIFUL and exactly what I’ve always wanted to own: three or more stories, bright colours, very open, with fireplaces and an AMAZING veranda with a cherry (?) tree growing up through the floor. We met Jesse, Brian’s Vancouver friend, and went to see Rent at SilverCity.

Rent
is the worst movie ever produced in the history of the universe. I thought I’d like it, since I write musicals, but even I was laughing at the TERRIBLE ABSURDITY within five minutes. Maybe it got better after the first scene — I don’t know, because we left, giggling, and watched Pride & Prejudice, with Kira Knightly, instead.

(If a handful of ‘mos and a musical playwright walk out on something like Rent, it has to be terrible . . . Q doesn’t count, because he hates musicals anyways and I had to trick him to get him into the theatre.)

So bed at 2am, and now I’m supposed to Hurry Up And Shower because we have a group brunch date.

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Wisdom Teeth Update – Sunday, Nov.27/05 – 7:55 pm
Right bottom is half in and I don’t even notice it; left bottom is achey and half in. Nothing to report re: the top.

Exciting Plans This Week
1. Liv starts work tomorrow!!!!!!
2. Q is having a party on Friday night.
3. Jessie & I are going on a pub crawl Saturday (hopefully Liv will come too).
4. I’m supposed to meet up with Britt and the new producer of Atomic Vaudeville — we’re going to scheme as to how to takeover the world. Also, I’ll get my cd of Zac’s “Heritage Moment” — I wonder if I can put audio on this site . . .

Why I Didn’t Call My Family Tonight
I’m supposed to call every Sunday, but today I was so grumpy & in such a foul funk when I got home that I didn’t want to subject them to my mood. I feel a lot better now, though — I did my dishes, tidied up a bit, watered the bunnies, and watched Levi MacDougall on Popcultured (which otherwise is a terrible waste of airtime).

I’m going home for Christmas on December 14th, and I’ll be home for almost three weeks . . . I find that some withdrawal beforehand helps make the visit more enjoyable. Otherwise I become a parentable daughter, rather than a Christmas guest. I told Dad once that I’m too old to be parented, meaning that if it hasn’t sunk in by now then there’s no use trying . . . does that sound awful? It makes me angstful when other people try to “fix” my life. I’ve done a fine job so far — it’s a little late to advise.

Or maybe not? Am I a 25-year-old know-it-all?

What I Know For Sure
I’m going to have a bath and go to bed now.

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Craft Time – Monday, Nov.28/05 – 10:38 pm
I made paper mache Christmas balls today. I haven’t played with paper mache for awhile — it’s icky gooey but so pleasurable, especially because I tried a recipe I found online that involves boiling the water. It was like smooshing my fingers in warm custard . . .

Anyhoo. I’m Celeste-sitting tonight because Q’s in Parksville for work. The forecast calls for snow tonight, so we’re just hoping he’ll be able to make it back . . . my bunnies get pissy when I abandon them mid-week.

Ew, pissy — what a terrible adjective for rabbits . . .

Also Liv started her new job today!!!!! I’m surrounded by people I love at work. It’s groovy.

And I had an appointment with Raffaele, my banker, to figure out how to improve my credit, but he says I just have to keep paying off my debt. Go figure. Raffaele used to be one of the only people around my age that I knew who was married — now he’s the only one I know who’s divorced. Poor guy. I hope he’s happier now — I’m not friendly enough with him to ask. Hopefully he’ll come to a party with us sometime and he’ll feel like bonding.

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Owwie Owwie – Tuesday, Nov.29/05 – 8:55 pm
My head hurts.

Back in the day when I was experimenting with my Happy Pills dosage it was VERY VERY easy to cry. For no reason. At any time, any place. It was difficult to NOT cry in public. And now my head hurts, and I feel like I just need a good solid cry to make it better. I’m not sad about anything . . . even my terrible credit doesn’t make me too upset. It’s just been a really long time since I cried, and I need the purge. I’ve been brainstorming cry-motivators all evening: watching a sad movie (but I don’t cry at movies — except for that part in Forrest Gump where Tom Hanks is talking to Jenny’s grave and he says:

TOM: He’s so smart, Jenny.

That always gets me chokey), or thinking about stressful things like money, or trying really hard to feel unloved. Nothing’s working, though. I’m going to try to make myself sad in the shower — that always did it back in the Crazy Days.

I’m not weird in this, I’m pretty sure. You all know what I mean about needing a good cry, right?

Peter’s Nesting
He’s been sitting in his litterbox since I got home. It’s not Easter, so I don’t know what’s up. Haha, I’m so funny.

Erm.

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Next Federal Election
Paul Martin’s speechwriter is keeping a blog. It’s kinda funny.