Tag Archives: Ryan

November 2005

November 1, 2005 Heather Leave a comment

Living in a Warzone – Tuesday, Nov.1/05 – early a.m.
I tried to have a nap last night but then the neighbours decided that 6pm was a groovy time to light fireworks. Explosions make me jumpy. I was especially worried, though, about Seamus and Caramel. They were stomping, and the fireworks’ launching area was only about 20 feet away from their porch, and I was worried not only about them getting scared but also about shrapnal, etc., so I brought them into the kitchen for the night. I don’t know if it calmed them down at all, but I sure felt better.

Also, today is the Official First Day of National Novel Writing Month! I need to be inspired asap.

Heather the Delivery Gal – Tuesday, Nov.1/05 – 8:02 pm
Q’s been slaving away for months getting the paperwork ready for a process called “Estimates,” which is when the Legislature gets to sit around ALL DAY and debate the budget for each ministry. ALL OF A SUDDEN it was our turn today, so Q not only ran out of Ebizo after ordering his sushi, he’s also still at work.

At dinner we were a Q&H SuperTeam of Ministry Helper Elves: Q took 16 orders for Baan Thai and I picked up drinks, cutlery and the hot food, and delivered it to Q at the Legislature.

Now I’m hanging around with Celeste, trying to distract her from her beloved man’s absence. We’re watching Law & Order with the fireplace on.

Law & Order: SVU
They gently mocked Canadian bureaucracy on tonight’s episode. I love it when American shows do that (e.g. West Wing . . .).

I’m a Dork – Wednesday, Nov. 2/05
I was in the elevator with a ministry worker today and I wanted to chit chat . . .

HEATHER: “So, did you watch estimates last night?”

I’ve reached a new low.

Pugnacious – Wednesday, Nov. 2/05 – 7:38 pm
All the media these days is about the Gomery report and Chretien’s reaction to being labeled as an evil wanker. One radio story described Chretien as “pugnacious” and all I can think about is Evy & Jared’s dog, Maddy . . .

Speaking of Doggies
Apparently Celeste likes the smell of rabbit food. After work today I picked up some veggies for the bunnies, and then got off the bus at my Holistic Pet Store for pellets. Celeste has never shown this much interest in anything I’ve carried into her house — and the bags are vacuum-sealed. She must have super powers.

I’m Boring
I worked from 6am until 4pm today with only a 30-minute lunch (and I didn’t even leave the building). It’s been crazy busy at work, which I love, but as a result I’ve had no mind-blowing adventures to amuse you with, and I’m sleepy. I had a nap on Q’s couch with Celeste . . . that was pretty fun.

Um.

I found a food that goes well with Mike’s Light Lemonade (it has low calories/carbs/whatever and tastes very very sour): Thai food. It’s the lemon, I think. The four-pack I bought months ago has lasted so long because it tastes icky, but something in paad thai makes the drink ideal.

Erm.

Multitasking – Thursday, Nov.3/05
I’m a monotasker but my job makes me LOOK like a multitasker. There are 1,000 things to do at any given time, and I keep being distracted by one or the other, so I end up working on all of them in a day and therefore get them done in time. It might LOOK hectic and random . . . and it is. There is often a stack of open newspapers on my desk, a cup of tea that I’ve forgotten to drink, emails & documents & spreadsheets open on my computer monitor . . . one of the exciting parts of my job is trying to remember all the things I’m working on. Sometimes I make a list, just for fun.

SLEEP
I haven’t had enough this week.

And the Weather
It’s SO WINDY outside!!!! I hope the bunnies stay off the balcony walls today — they might blow away.

Going to Vernon – Thursday, Nov.3/05 – 6:20 pm
Q’s Gramma, “Bucky,” is really sick. We’re driving to Vernon tonight. I will update from there . . .

Pausing in Coquitlam – Nov.3/05 – 10:46 pm
The ferries were running late due to the wind and it’s snowing on the Coquihalla so we’re camped out here at Q’s friend Calla’s house. Such a nice bed. Will continue trek tomorrow.

Vernon – Friday, Nov.4/05 – 9:25 pm
We made it here this afternoon, then went straight to the hospital to check in with Bucky & Suzanne. Q’s sister & nephew, Chrysta and John, were there visiting too. Then we came to Q’s house for a nap, and Zac called me (YAY!) and then we had Chinese delivery and went back to the hospital. They gave Bucky morphine and we sang lullabyes with her until she fell asleep.

I know all the family lullabyes because Q sometimes sings them to me.

Zac Called!
I was being dignified and not calling Zac because I wanted to give him the choice to continue spending time with me — I was the “picker-upper,” after all. He pointed out that this strategy could have led to disaster, if he’d chosen to do the same thing. Anyhoo, we had a good talk despite me being a terrible communicator via telephone. (I can never hear what anyone’s saying and I interrupt so much that it gets confusing.) I’m going to call him when I’m back in town Sunday or so — Zac said he might possibly be willing to watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with me, even though he’s a diehard fan of the original. I think he likes me.

Finding Tea in the Boonies – Saturday, Nov.5/05 – 2:30 pm
The best tea I’ve located so far was in Abbotsford at a cafe called “City Blend Coffee” or “City’s Best Coffee” or something like that. (It emphasised coffee, and I wasn’t hopeful re: tea quality.) Not only did that have a wide selection of teas, including Numi, Tazo, and a house brand of large-leaf teas, but they also had a fireplace and comfy couches. I could live in Abbotsford, if I had that cafe in my neighbourhood.

This morning I settled for too-hot Starbucks Tazo.

There was something else I wanted to write but I can’t remember it — I should have written it down. Anyhoo, still in Vernon. I’ll be home tomorrow.

Back to the Island – Sunday, Nov.6/05 – 9:35 am
We’re stopping in to see Bucky, have breakfast, and then we’re off. I expect we’ll be home around 7 or 8 . . . I have my phone, if anyone DESPERATELY misses me 🙂

I Love My Home – Sunday, Nov. 6/05 – 8:55 pm
After spending 72 hours together, much of that time in a car, Q and I got a little hysterical on the ferry home. Still, I’m really glad I went with him. I would have worried if I hadn’t.

Bucky was surprisingly lucid this morning. There’s always the possibility that she might come out of this and go home and live for another decade. She even recognised me this morning, which is impressive since yesterday she thought Quinn was her brother.

Once home, I checked that the bunnies are all still alive, filled up their food dishes, and had a hot shower. I love my shower. And then I unpacked and made tea and called Mom to tell her I was alive, and then Zac to make plans for tomorrow.

Another Thing About Zac
I REALLY like his voice. It’s deep and kinda husky in a man way. (Evy says that’s the smoking.)

Another Thing About Not Dying on the Way Home
It was snowing on the Coquihalla. The roads up to and down from the summit were bare, albeit wet from melting snow. There were three cars in the ditch on the way up. The only scary part was the summit, because of the snow and slush. But Q is a great driver who likes to survive highway driving, even when trapped in a car with me for days on end. So we’re fine.

Work Tomorrow
I’m excited. Some guy on the ferry was reading today’s Times Colonist and there’s a story on the VERY FRONT PAGE about our ministry. The House isn’t sitting this week, so technically I have later-than-godawful-early hours, but I still set my alarm clock(s) for 6am. It’s going to be busy.

My Alarm Clock(s)
I have two: my cell phone, with three different alarm times, and a regular cordless clock. I think that I left this alarm clock set for 5:25 am when I left in a rush on Thursday. I half-expected it to be blaring when I got home tonight. But not only is it silent, it’s also missing. I’m hoping that Jessie hid it somewhere to muffle it. Otherwise, maybe I’m getting evicted tomorrow . . .?

NaDruWriNi (National Drunken Writing Night)
I really wanted to do this but I forgot. Oh well. Another time.

Belated Update – Tuesday, Nov.8/05 – early a.m.
I wanted to write last night after Zac left but I was sleepy and chose a hot shower instead. Anyhoo.

I worked like a crazy fiend Monday, catching up on all the weekend news and dealing with Monday’s. At 3 I met Zac at Cafe Theatro and we drank Numi tea, then wandered over to Hollywood Tonight (with a stopover at the Liquor Express to grab some Fireball — more on that later). Charlie and the Chocolate Factory didn’t come out until Tuesday (today!) so we rented Ring II instead because I was in a tolerant mood and scary movies enable cuddling. At my house we made — I don’t remember what it’s called . . . it’s black tea with sugar and Fireball (aka cinnamon whisky) and it’s pretty damn good, once I got the ratio of tea:whisky right.

Things That Zac & I Talk About
– what is a preposition? What does it mean to end a sentence with one?
– is “contentedness” a word?
– political correctness (cool or not? relevant or passe?)
– whether we attended high school dances or not
– education: world-experience or academe?

Also, Zac has one of those woolie toques with the ear flaps and string ties . . . I’ve always loved those toques. I think this toque might be my Achilles’s heel. Even more potent than Buddy Holly glasses.

One of my weaknesses (i.e. it makes me squishy inside) is awkward, getting-to-know-each-other, sexual-tension-filled encounters. Sitting on a couch and watching movies is an excellent scenario for this sort of mood. It’s almost a shame once you get brave/comfortable enough to smooch, because then it’s a gradual slide into familiarity and (often) boredom. So I’m revelling in this whole experience.

Also, I got a quick smooch just before Zac’s bus came. Excellent.

Heather Gets Objective for a Moment
No, I’m not in love (yet) and this is definitely a physical & intellectual attraction. Zac is, I confess, 20. That’s younger than my brother, and pretty freaking young. Even though he often seems older. But he’s smart & shaggy (i.e. sexy) & a good person, and I REALLY like being around him, so he’s the perfect guy for me to know at this time.

In Other News
Mom & Dad gave me a mattress for Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited. It’s going to be delivered sometime this week. I can’t wait.

Noon Nap = Longer Day – Tuesday, Nov.8/05 – 8:23 pm
I slept from 3:30 until 5:30, when Matte woke me up via cell phone. We’re going to reconnect tomorrow.

And now, The Rick Mercer Report is on CBC, so I have to go watch that. Canadian duty.

Unexpected SnuggleFest – Wednesday, Nov. 9/05 – midnight
Too tired to write a lot — will update properly tomorrow. But Zac smooched me and it was great.

To Recap – Thursday, Nov.10/05 – early a.m.
After work yesterday I wandered around downtown doing errands and waiting for Matte to remember to call me so we could meet up and drink together. Errands included: mailing Q’s passport application, buying gum, browsing books & new Sudoku collections at Chapters, chatting up Liv while a line of customers waited, choosing a Real Red Wine (“Four Emus” from Western Austalia) and some faux vino for me. Matte didn’t call, but Zac did, so I invited him to have dinner with Q, Brian & me at Q’s house. We met up downtown and went to Q’s, had dinner, snuggled Celeste, etc. After dinner we walked to my house and drank the rest of the faux vino and Zac FINALLY (at 10 or 11 p.m.) was brave enough to smooch me. So that was fun.

New Things I Like About Zac
– he’s a perfect kisser;
– he’s not scrawny-skinny, or pudgy — he’s just right;
– he has amazing huge eyes, which I only noticed when he took his glasses off for a quick minute;
– his sexy deep voice and woolie toque with earflaps (these aren’t new things, but they’re certainly worth repeating).

Plans For the Weekend
Tonight Zac is meandering over to my place and we’re going to FINALLY watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Also, I hope my new mattress comes today!!! I’ve been leaving notes for the Purolater delivery person since Tuesday, just in case. I want to sleep without hurting my spine.

Friday I will be preparing The Great Greek Feast of 2005 at Q’s place. We’ve invited all sorts of people whom we haven’t seen in awhile. I’m going to make spanakopitas, salad, rice, pita bread & hummus, and Q will fire up his amazing BBQ and make chicken souvlakis. Also, I want to make pie if I have the time/inclination. Lemon meringue. Yummy.

And the rest of the weekend, the actual weekend, is surprisingly open. I’d like to go on a long walk with Celeste & Q, and I need to clean up the bunnies’ litter boxes. And do my dishes. Wow, this might actually be restful!!!

As For Matte
He called (and left a message) at 5:30pm. I think there was some vast miscommunication when we planned our encounter — I was asleep, after all — because he thought he was waiting for me to have a nap before we met up. Makes sense — I was probably muttering “sleep sleep sleep” on the phone.

Preparing To Prepare a Feast – Friday, Nov. 11/05 – 10:08 am
I even remembered to bring the hand mixer to Q’s! And last night I went to Safeway and bought all the groceries, so I feel rather prepared to cook this Amazing Greek Dinner for our guests.

Deja Vu?
Just to prove that my life is ALWAYS TOO COMPLICATED, Zac will not be at dinner tonight, and will be AWOL for almost two weeks because . . .

. . . wait for it . . .

. . . his ex-girlfriend from Germany is visiting. To credit the man, he told me about this awhile ago and emphasised that it was a “friendly” visit, and that they’d broken up after she had the ticket so it’d be awkward no matter what. Regardless, I can’t help hearing bizarre echos of Shawn . . . except that Shawn was just my Man Friend & not a Snuggle Partner, and he was still dating his long-distance girlfriend, and that she ended up staying in Victoria after her “visit,” and that Shawn is incapable of having female friends AND a girlfriend. (Zac might have the same fault, but that’s a long way ahead.)

Whatever. I had a great night last night.

Other Updates
My new mattress: still not here — I can’t wait!!!

Bucky (Q’s gramma who was sick last weekend): they think she had a stroke. Q hasn’t given me many other updates, but I think she’s doing better.

Charlie & the Chocolate Factory: I think Zac liked it, except for a few elitist groans of disapproval. I urged him to consider the film as an aesthetic celebration of the original classic, with Tim Burton & Johnny Depp using all our crazy new technology to pay homage to Roald Dahl.

The bunnies: Peter’s perfectly fine, but I’m worried that the bunnies might not like the increasingly chilly weather (depite bunnies being PERFECTLY FINE IN COLD WEATHER), so I’m going to grab some straw and pack the lower level of their cage with it so they can have a burrow for the colder season.

The Menu For Tonight
– spanokopitas
– pita & red-pepper hummous
– special rice
– Greek salad
– Kalamata olives for those who like olives (ew)
– chicken souvlakis
– 2 lemon meringue pies

I’m wearing my “ACME Pie Factory” shirt: I’m ready to go.

Some Saturday Thoughts – Nov. 12/05 – 12:57 pm
Our dinner was freaking phenomenal. I’m amazing.

Some new twists to my staple dinner recipes included:
– Quinn doesn’t have white sugar, only Splenda, so I had to use that in the lemon filling & the meringue for my pies. The filling tastes fine, but the meringue is strangely frothy (rather than sleek) and once cooked it looks like baked cereal. Tastes fine, although it’s a little crispy and overly sweet.
– I put only egg yolks into the spanokopita filling, rather than yolks + whites. This way there wasn’t weird green goop oozing out from the final products — and there was more of the proper spinach taste. Also, I used extra onions and that made it a little sweeter. Very nice.

Anyhoo, yum. And now I’m having Greek food for breakfast 🙂

I stayed over at Q’s last night, and Celeste snuggled with me ALL NIGHT LONG. I woke up in the middle of the night with her licking my ear. A lot.

And this morning I thought about two things, so here they are:

Rememberance Day
I didn’t go to the ceremony yesterday, what with preparing the huge feast, but I watched Vancouver’s ceremony on TV and did my two minutes of silence.

I tried to find the channel with Victoria’s ceremony, but couldn’t. Vancouver’s had two commentators and it was rather surreal, in a creepy disrespectful way.

COMMENTATOR 1: So, what’s happening right now?

COMMENTATOR 2: Well, here we have Jim Bob singing the national anthem. Jim Bob is a Big Name Singer with the Vancouver opera or something.

COMMENTATOR 1: Here we can see the veterans and the crowd standing for Oh Canada, and Jim Bob singing. What a sight, these people who came all this way despite the terrible weather to honour our veterans.

COMMENTATOR 2: Jim Bob’s done singing now. What’s happening next?

et cetera.

I don’t know anyone from any war . . . my Grampa Walker was in the Royal Canadian Air Force, but he died even before my dad met my mom. So every time they do the 2 minutes of silence I’ve tried to find something to think about that is respectful and means something. This year I’ve been surveying some of the 20-something men in my life and asking if they’d fight in a war. The majority have said they would, depending on the cause, and so I suppose this might have some meaning for me: the idea of Q and Matte and Zac and everyone killing people or dying. Especially since they are all so sensitive and non-aggressive (in a physical way). Not to mention that me & my women-friends would face the same decision and the same danger if we chose to go, since we live in such a liberated society 🙂

2nd Rumination : Marijuana
I hate it. I might be the only person of my generation in B.C. who’s never tried it. I always worried that:

it’d make me stupid, and my brain’s my SuperPower so then I’d be fucked; and
it’d do something funky to my ovaries so my babies would be fucked up. Bad Momma.

And NOW I’m starting to think that maybe this “drinking alcohol” thing wasn’t such a great idea, because my short-term memory is getting worse. I’d assumed that I’d inherited my terrible memory from Mom, but maybe I inherited an “alcohol = terrible memory” gene instead.

So
That’s what I’ve been thinking about. And now, having eaten Greek leftovers and some pie with crispy meringue, I think the Q and I will take Celeste for a good long walk.

Awake Too Early On Sunday – Nov.13/05 – 8:32 am
Peter is stepping on my toes. He loves my slippers, and wants to suck on the ribbon ties . . .

Liv and I went out to Evolution last night. It was fun fun fun!!!!

Stange people I observed include:
– a 20-something guy who claimed a table by the dance floor, smooched with his girlfriend, then wandered onto the floor and did stretches for 15 minutes. The he started dancing, and didn’t stop until we left at 2:30am. His roommate came over to drunkenly chat with me at one point, because she said I was staring at him (oops) and I said “I know ‘mos, I’ve dated gay men, and that boy is gay.” And she said, “No, he’s engaged.” And I said, “Honey, that matters not.” She was nice.

Eventually Roger (the guy) took his outer-shirt off, to reveal the best T-shirt I’ve ever seen. It said: “Broke, and shitty in bed.”

– a skinny girl with a Mohawk who wore leather pants and looked like N-something on last season’s America’s Next Top Model.

– a gal with horns and cool clunky black boots laced with red ribbons.

Liv was looking hot, as usual. And I felt healthy, since I was dancing, which is technically exercise, even though I was also chugging vodka.

Being A Good Bunny Momma
Q drove me to Borden’s Mercantile yesterday and I bought a feedbag of straw. I crammed it into the lower level of Seamus & Caramel’s cage last night, and so now they have a burrow to cuddle in if/when they get cold.

Now all I need is to clean their fetid litterbox, and then I’ll be a Bunny Momma SuperStar.

Q’s Complete Misconception of Me
Conversation, post-strata council get-together at Q’s new house:

Q: You should date that Jim guy. He’s what I picture for you.

HEATHER: He’s pretty, but what else do you like about him?

Q: He’s athletic, and into that New Agey stuff.

HEATHER: I’m not athletic.

Q: I know. He might get you to exercise more.

HEATHER: I don’t like dating athletic men. Then I feel guilty about wanting to sit on the couch and watch movies and drink tea. They always want to go out and DO stuff.

Q: Exactly.

HEATHER: And what are you talking about, New Agey stuff? I’m not into that whole hippy-dippy shit.

Q: Have I influenced you too much?

HEATHER: I was never into that stuff.

Q: When I met you, you were dancing barefoot in the grass in long skirts.

HEATHER: I would never have done that. There’s too much rabbit shit at UVic.

Productive Day – Sunday, Nov. 13/05 – 7:13 pm
Not only did I do all my dishes, dust, and take out the garbage, I also went on a 10 km walk around Elk Lake with Q and Celeste. It was muddy, and I think I have blisters. I hope we do it again soon.

Also, someone found my site today via an excite.com search for “Dwight Yokum’s penis.” No, I do not mention Dwight Yokum’s penis on this site. However, I DO compliment his sexy spider legs in On the Rag.

More Drama, Because Apparently I Don’t Have Enough – Monday, Nov.14/05
I received an icky email from Zac’s email account: capital letters, lots of exclamation marks, and some random name-calling. I think it’s from his visiting (ex?) girlfriend. Ew. Completely unnecessary. I have no choice but to avoid contacting the guy, at least until she leaves for Germany.

I’m too old for this!!!!!

I’m Loved & Appreciated! – Tuesday, Nov.15/05
Boss-Barb said a nice thing about me today. She said that underneath my “cute” exterior I’m very very smart and ridiculously competent.

A nice thing for a boss to say . . . it made me feel squishy inside.

Sleeping In
My alarm clocks haven’t been working this week. I keep sleeping in. 5 am is ungodly early, but since I go to bed at a proper time (8:30pm or 9) I don’t understand the problem. Every morning I’m amazed that I managed to get to work on time!

Atomic Vaudeville: The Secret is Out!
Britt Small has released the confidential details of AV’s next episode . . .

Trying to Think of Something Other Than . . . – Wednesday, Nov.16/05 – 3:47 pm
. . . Zac’s psycho German girlfriend, and her surprising Email o’ Hatred earlier this week.

For the record, here’s what it said (sent from Zac’s email account, in response to a VERY INNOCUOUS email I’d sent. No “xxxooo”s or anything):

PSYCHO GERMAN GIRLFRIEND’S EMAIL:
“LEAVE MY BOYFRIEND ALONE YOU UGLY SLUT!!!!!!”

Q’s response: that’s what I get for “dating” a young’un.

My response: Q’s right. Also, here are the thoughts that keep bothering me, thereby making this icky experience resonate for longer than it deserves:

1. Ew, ew, I don’t like people being mean to me. Except that it’s better that she she doesn’t even know me, since therefore there’s no authority behind her name-calling.

2. Clearly there’s some miscommunication here, since Zac told me they’d broken up and it was a “friendly” visit. One of them is not being honest.

3. Despite what their relationship was like before the visit, the Psycho German Girlfriend (PGG) clearly believes that Zac is her boyfriend, and therefore he must have done something to encourage this idea (i.e. have sex with her). While this in itself doesn’t bother me, since we are only “dating,” it does imply that:
a.) he misled me with the whole “friendly visit” thing; and that
b.) if he still expects to have me around when the visit is over, then he’s being ridiculously selfish by leading his PGG to believe they are “together.”

So . . . correct me if I’m wrong, but this means that there is a 98% chance that Zac is a dink. (The 2% is because I always give someone the chance to tell their side of the story, and she might be truly Psycho and it might all be a big fucking mess.)

Which means that I’m back to a pre-bus situation, and we all need to find me someone new to go out with.

Ugh.

In Other, More Grown Up News
My mattress still isn’t here! Damn that Purolator.

And I am very excited about Atomic Vaudeville next week . . .

Another Perspective – Thursday, Nov. 17/05 – early a.m.
Q suggested an alternate understanding of the PGG/Zac situation last night. The PGG must have had some source for her knowledge of me and my relationship with Zac, other than the email I sent — the email could easily have been from a friend or whatever. So maybe she knows about me because Zac told her about me. And maybe their visit is a “friendly” one, but she’s truly psycho and therefore wants me to go away because she’s jealous or possessive.

I like this perspective, because I like Zac and I want to keep him around. I suppose it’s better than writing him off — at least until he gets a chance to explain what the hell happened.

And hey, I liked his first “excessively formal email” that he sent me after our bus encounter! It’s far better than:

Hey
Got you’re note
Send a pic
– bus guy

ew.

Some Stuff – Friday, November 18, 2005 – early a.m.
Q came over to visit and watch The Daily Show after his gym time last night. I bought parsley yesterday after work, and Q even managed to get Peter to eat some from his hand, which is truly remarkable since Peter is so tramautised by Q’s aggressively snuggling back in his bunnyhood. Also, Peter cooperated and played Monster a little bit: he growls and makes bizarre, un-bunnylike sounds in response to me waving a piece of toilet paper at his front paws. Sometimes he lunges too, and that’s crazy, but he didn’t do that for Q. Oh well, at least he’s stopped hiding under the couch.

Heather the Chunky Monkey
I’ve gained a lot of weight this year. I think it’s due to my always-sitting government job & my bread fetish. So instead of the 109/115 I weighed until last year, I’m now a pleasantly plump 132 lbs. It’s been a thrilling experience adjusting to my new size: new bras, new pants, almost-new dresses that I have to give away, coming to terms with backfat and love-handles . . . anyhoo, I realised yesterday that in my head I’ve started to picture myself with a stocky, chubby body shape. And then I looked down, and I’m not stocky or chubby. I’m a healthy weight for my height and age, and I have new boobs and curvy bits. It’s very confusing. Especially since whenever someone sees me after a long time they tend to comment on my new “chubbiness.”

Q’s DAD: Wow, you’ve really chunked-up!

I think this will all be for the best, once my mental self-image catches up with the reality. Until then, I’ll keep wearing inappropriate clothing.

Nightmare
Last night I dreamt I went to a concert or a play or something and I’d bought tickets ($31 each – very specific) for me and a friend. But then when we sat down I couldn’t see the stage AT ALL, and for some reason I didn’t properly notice or think it was worth mentioning/fixing until after the show.

What the hell does that mean, if anything???? I would never “suffer in silence.” And for some reason, in the dream I blamed it all on the friend, who never asked if I could see. Again, not like me: I would have caused a scene, regardless.

Um
And that’s about it, I think. No further drama to report re: love affairs. Work has been insanely busy — I was at the office from 6am until 3:45pm yesterday, with a quick sushi lunch around noon. And Mom says my new mattress (!!!!!) is backordered or something.

Rotarian Arm Candy – Friday, Nov. 18/05 – 11:16 pm
Q took me to a Rotary thingy tonight. We had dinner and heard Stephen Lewis speak. Interesting information (although disgusting) re: AIDS in Africa, orphans, Western World apathy, et cetera.

Now, to bed.

Sleepy at 10:33 a.m. – Saturday, Nov. 19/05
I only got out of bed because I had to pee. And because I could hear Seamus & Caramel chewing on something wooden, and it didn’t sound familiar, so I wanted to see what they were snacking on (it was a detachable, homemade window screen that they’ve dug out from behind their cage).

The saddest thing on Saturday mornings is that I so often don’t have any milk in the house. Therefore, I can’t drink tea. So I have to decide if I want tea enough to get sort of presentable and wander down to the gas station to buy a litre of milk.

Also, I have these ankle socks that are really soft inside and I wear them when I sleep if my feet are cold. They are wonderful.

Something With Substance Gets Written Here
um.

Oh!! I saw Stephen Lewis speak last night. It was a lot like reading Barbara Kingsolver’s book, that one about a missionary family living in Africa: after reading it I felt nauseaus in Safeway because of Western excess and consumerism and waste.

Stephen Lewis has done everything that I one day think Quinn will: politics, diplomacy, and now he’s the United Nations’ envoy on HIV and AIDS, which means that he travels around and meets with dignitaries and HIV/AIDS-affected people and speaks at fundraisers, et cetera. He is a very good speaker — primarily because of his exceptional vocabulary. Q learned the word “irreverent” and I finally heard the correct pronunciation of “succor.” He is funny and charismatic — even I, who know all about the speechwriting machinations that go on, thought he was improvising at times.

And I’m impressed that after LIVING DAILY with the same rage and frustration that Barbara Kingsolver’s book inspired in me — he’s been dealing with the Western world’s apathy for more than four years now — Stephen Lewis still manages to attend a Rotarian dinner with all those accountants & business people, the catered meal, and those other Western excesses, and he doesn’t open fire on all of us. He just tells us how shitty things are, and then we donate money to help out.

Last night they raised more than $27,000 — we never heard the final count after the silent auction was tallied.

Oh, and I was also impressed that he didn’t censor his message for the Rotarian (often elderly male) audience: he spoke about sexually empowering African women to stop the gender-disproportionate spread of HIV, and he told a story about a “child-headed household” where the 14 year old “mother” (their parents had died from AIDS) had no idea why she was menstruating, because there was no one alive to tell her.

Every year the government in BC campaigns to get its employees to donate, and twice now I’ve searched through all the human-focused causes to select the Victoria SPCA and other wildlife organizations. And even now, the primary focus of my “non-profit” donations is local theatre. Every time, I feel somewhat guilty that I’m not supporting a homeless shelter, and last night I wondered about giving that money to African organisations. (“Holocaust,” “annihilation” and “extermination” are powerful words.)

But I’m not going to change the focus of my sponsorships. I wonder why not?

Unhappy Internet Gods – Sunday, Nov.20/05 – 9:39 am
It’s as if my modem and/or cable connection are tired. My internet access depends on their mood. But a Shaw service guy is coming to fix everything later today, so hopefully that will be resolved.

I hadn’t realised how internet-dependent I’ve become until last night, when I couldn’t check my email. Who knows what drama has occurred! Has the PGG written me a death threat? Has Zac begged for a secret booty-call? Has Hollis said his first word yet??????!! Very upsetting.

In Other Upsetting News
Jessie & I saw a poster at A&B Sound yesterday: in medias res is coming to play in Victoria this Thursday. Questions:

1. why weren’t Q and I told, since we are in medias res’s Victoria connections???
2. will Ryan inform us at all? (Even to ask if they can use Q’s place to camp out, or the shower or something?)

Also, how fucked up is this, that just as the PGG is about to go away and I’m expecting after-shock drama with Zac (will we still be “dating”??) Ryan my Rockstar decides to come to Victoria. Nothing is ever static or simple in my world. How is it in yours???

Oh, and Jimmy
Last night Jessie & Karen & I went to drink martinis at Syn, and we were looking very hot. A table of guys in suits kept staring at us, and we were loving the attention, and then I got a note from the waitress with my name on it. It was from Jimmy, and he asked if he could buy me a drink.

Very bizarre.

And then I realised that one of the guys in suits (he had his back to me, so I’m forgiven here) was Jimmy. So he came over and I had to explain/dodge why I haven’t called/emailed him back:

HEATHER: Why are you all wearing suits?

And then Jimmy’s food arrived so he returned to his table, and one of his friends (the birthday boy, and the reason they were wearing suits) sent us a round of drinks, so we sent him a muff diver (which is a shot surrounded by whipped cream and lots of chocolate foam — very messy — and you’re supposed to “dive” into the cream to get the shot glass with your mouth). That was amusing.

And then we left.

Eventually, after experiencing the BIGGEST CROWD OF 40-SOMETHINGS at Swans EVER and leaving, we ended up at The Temple. The Temple is a pseudo-Vancouver martini bar. Also, by then we’d picked up Jessie’s friend Channelle and her boyfriend Dave, and their friend Ben. And Karen’s friend Greg came over for a bit, and Ben invited his guy friend over, so at any given point we were SURROUNDED by beautiful, single 25-35 year old men.

Yummy.

It was a very odd experience. Conversation was superficial and centred mostly around careers, except for when I brought up Fraggle Rock, but that’s just because I was drunk.

In retrospect, I’m not entirely sure why Jessie & I left when we did, because by then the couple had left and seating arrangements had shifted and I think Ben & friend were moving closer to us. Hmm.

Well, whatever, we were sleepy and we wandered off, and now I’m going to drink a pot of tea before the cable guy comes and then I’m going to help Liv move.

Oh, Updates re: Liv
Not only is Liv moving, due to a sudden break up with her boyfriend and roommate, but ALSO she’s coming to work at our ministry!!!!!!!!! Her first day is November 28th. I can’t wait.

And Suddenly, It’s Practically Monday – Nov. 20/05 – 9:03 pm
I’m doggy-sitting Celeste until Q gets back from Vernon sometime Tuesday night. We played catch in the hallway, and I brushed her twice, and we wrestled in front of the fireplace for a bit. Also, I ate some REALLY REALLY BAD gyoza from the freezer. They tasted SO BAD that I had to drink fifty glasses of water and brush my teeth just to get the taste out of my mouth. Ick.

I somehow managed to be productive today while feeling like I was doing everything half-assed. My dishes are clean, the bunnies are all fed and watered (Peter even has a new, clean litterbox), I helped Liv & her brother Bjorn move a load into her new apartment, I had dim sum with Billy and Q, I got a new modem, I talked to my parents, I ate two or three meals, . . .

Lately I’ve been extra stupid at my Sudoku puzzles. It’s taking me longer to figure them out, and I’ve been stuck on one in particular all day long. Mom suggests the following reasons:

1. I drink alcohol and alcohol kills brain cells;
2. I’m very very very busy and don’t have the brain energy to remember things (or think logically) anymore.

So, somehow it’s already the end of the weekend. I’m going to have a shower and snuggle with Celeste in Q’s excellent bed. I wonder if Celeste will be awake enough at 5am to go outside for a pee?

New Years – Monday, November 20, 2005 – 7:43 pm
We’re having a party at Q’s — last year’s was SO MUCH FUN and this year we have even more people we like. I want to put up Christmas decorations at Q’s again — he hates Christmas so every year I’m determined to overdo it. I tried to get the tree out of storage before he left for Vernon but he saw through my sneakiness. I’ll have to wait for December 1st to do the tree.

Anyhoo, I’ve been thinking of resolutions this year. I used to try all those crappy ones, like eating properly and exercising, etc., but they never last — only the writing ones stick around. In 2004 I wanted to get published, so that was the mission. And this year I wanted to write everyday, and not in a vacuum, and HERE WE ARE, and it’s November, and I have pages and pages on this stalker-friendly site. So 2006??? I dunno — I’ve applied for my MFA in Creative Writing at UBC, I have plays ready to be workshopped and produced . . . and I have this site, which I want to keep around for awhile longer.

The best thing about making a resolution each year is that it assuages guilt. If I’m focussed on keeping up this site, I don’t feel guilty for not submitting my stuff to publications; if my goal is to get published, I don’t have to write everyday. My energy can go to one thing, and then I actually get it done.

Anyhoo. Celeste and I went for a walk tonight after dinner — around the block or three — and now she’s passed out by the patio door. She’s either exhausted or it’s too hot in here with the fireplace on . . . I made myself steak for dinner on Q’s BBQ, and I confess I gave the little tubby bitch a piece or two. The walk was for both our bellies . . .

Writing Every Day
One might expect that “writing every day” should mean poetry or part of a story or something. HOWEVER. Writing is like any skill — like being a marathon runner. I would never wake up and decide to run 10 km without stretches and a gradual build-up of endurance & fitness. (Well, that’s not a good example — I rarely wake up and want to do anything other than drink tea and/or eat eggs.) It takes practice to be able to write, because a sort of non-self-monitoring mentally is necessary. It has to be effortless, like speaking, and that’s why I disapprove of the “I’ll be a writer when I retire” mentality. Imagine spending all that time working, having a family, and/or watching TV, only to sit down one day when you’re 60-something and expect to create a masterpiece. It’s a set-up for disappointment. And shitty writing.

So this is me stretching.

Ugh – Tuesday, November 22/05 – lunchtime
Poor Jessie just endured an entire lunch break with me in a pissy mood. I feel icky, bored, stagnant, unloved, dull, flacid . . . oh, hold on!!! This is PMS!!!

YAY!! It’s not my fault!!!!! My life doesn’t suck!!!!

Also, Liv is having Jessie & me over to unpack and drink & bitch about shit tonight. I need this.

To-Do List
7th Annual Lighted Truck Parade & Food Drive: December 3, 2005

Help find a cure for AIDS.

Home Sweet Home – Tuesday, November 22/05 – 8:50 pm
I love my apartment. It’s crowded and cluttered and tiny and there’s hay everywhere, but I love it. I’ve unpacked all my house/doggy-sitting stuff, and had a shower, and now I get to sleepy in my own bed (a nice change, regardless of the crappy mattress) and struggle with progressively trickier Sudoku puzzles while listening to Peter eat his dinner. Heaven.

Q’s flight was endangered due to the fog, but he landed fine, and we went to pick up a parcel that’s been waiting for him, and there was a present FOR ME TOO!!!!!!! It was a really really beautiful pink pashmina scarf and pink blouse/shirt from Dean in Pakistan. I’m not usually one to appreciate fabric, but wowee, this scarf is the most beautiful thing I have ever owned. It’s long and wide and silky, and it’s the pink that makes me prettiest. The shirt might be too big, but I’ll try it tomorrow for work — it’s just so beautiful. I feel like a sophisticated grown up. I needed something to replace my ratty pink wool scarf (it’s probably filthy with plague/avian flu germs by now) and Dean’s scarf is perfect.

Anyhoo, that surprise gift o’ love and the return of my best friend & Non-Romantic Life Partner was exactly what I needed to perk me up. Oh, and that 1/2 bottle of Wild Vines Blackberry 🙂

Pretty in Pink Pashmina – Wednesday, Nov.23/05
My new shirt/blouse is beautiful. It’s long, especially in the sleeves, but my boobs and belly fill it out fine. I feel like a princess.

Liv called and asked me to do a final Throw Shit Into the Dumpster Clean Up with her after she’s done work — if anyone feels inspired to come and help us for half an hour, we’d both appreciate it. I want to put a mattress under her 2nd story living room window and drop the garbage. From there it’d only be 20 steps to the dumpster . . .

And As For Zac
His PGG left and now I’m just wondering if he’ll call me. I expect the whole visit was dramatic & emotionally-draining and confusing, and I want to wait for him to call before I/we figure out what’s next. Meanwhile, I’m in love with the cover guy on this week’s Monday Magazine . . .

So Tired – Wednesday, Nov.23/05 – 8:25 pm
Liv & I carried loads of garbage & bottles & old clothes & furniture from apartment to dumpster for almost two hours, then carried stuff up to her storage locker in the new place, and then she bought me Wendy’s and we ate and fantasized about her working at the ministry next Monday. And now I’m going to have a shower and go to bed.

Also:
HAPPY 22nd BIRTHDAY, JOEY!!!

I thought about you being older ALL DAY LONG 🙂 I love you.

EEK!!!! So Excited!!! – Thursday, Nov.24/05 – 2:54 pm
I can’t wait for Atomic Vaudeville tonight.

Meanwhile, I Take Control of the Shit
I sent this email to Zac this morning:

Hello?
I assume your visit is over, and that either:
1. you have reunited with your German love and intend to do the long-distance thing, or
2. not.
Just in case, I thought I’d say hi, and that if your world &/or availability have changed then that’s fine. Otherwise, give me a call, dammit, because there are daily adventures that you are missing out on.
Also, if you could please confirm that you get this email, I’d appreciate it, since I suspect your German love has your password and I will otherwise think she’s deleted it.
Happy Thursday 🙂
– Heather

No response as yet . . .

Setting Goals is Crucial to Success – Friday, Nov.25/05
I’m so tired. Usually I get at least one day per week to sleep all afternoon, but I was too busy and now I’m a zombie. Immediate goal: a nap, with Celeste, in front of the fireplace at Q’s house.

I realised the other day, while riding escalators with Jessie in The Bay, that I’m such a good little work-finder that all I have to do is apply those same strategies to men, and I will no doubt find true love. Or at least a decent snuggle partner to spend the winter with. Key strategies include: networking; aggressive self-promotion; being open to new opportunities; and dressing appropriately at opportune times. So this means that I should put forth a call via my friends and colleagues, approach sexy men I discover on the bus/street, go out to different bars/clubs/social gatherings, and dress like a sexy 25 year old.

I’m too tired to be overly enthused about this new project.

Meanwhile
Still no word from Zac. Last night Britt & the other Atomic Vaudeville monkeys revealed that they’d composed and even developed a “Canadian Heritage” moment taken directly from my site, about the 98% chance of Zac being a dink. They ultimately cut the skit, since only six of us in the audience would have found it hilarious, but Britt has promised to burn the audio component for me so I can hear it.

Jacob asked me if I would have minded — it’s a personal drama, after all — but I assured him that I would not. If Zac had called/emailed and subsequently attended the performance with me, he could have had a say in it, but since he didn’t/hasn’t then he’ll just have to deal. Ha! So there! See what happens why you piss me off? People get on stage and mock you. HA!

Weekends Are the Grooviest – Saturday, Nov.26/05 – 9:28 am
I slept at Q’s from 3:30pm almost straight through to 10pm. And then I came home and went to bed. So now I feel RECHARGED and READY TO TAKE ON THE WORLD. Also, I took an extra 20mg of Happy Pills this morning. I’m a positive-thinking SuperStar.

I had the depressing experience of being rejected by American Express because of my crappy credit. (Seriously — who gets rejected by a credit card company????) But I can’t help it, I swear — it’s those goddamn student loans, and my occassional tendency to forget to make the payments. And student loan collectors are ruthless: one hour late, and your personal info is on its way to Texas so that some drawling minimum wage redneck can call you on your cellphone and threaten the lives of your house rabbits.

Money is my unhappiness-button. It was rather tramautic trying to survive as a student for five years with no secure income. (Hello Happy Pills!!!) And even now, with my government-whore salary and relative security, I panic when it comes to money.

Whatever. Thank you Stephen Lewis for some perspective: I’m not HIV-positive, living in poverty with an apathetic global community watching.

Another Realm of Self-Pity
I’m not comfortable with being not-in-control of certain situations, so I called Zac yesterday after work.

HEATHER: Is this Zac?

ZAC: Is this Heather?

HEATHER: What the fuck?

Essentially Zac is exactly what we all are at 20: obliviously in love with our first love. His PGG came to visit, and they bonded, and they want to try the long-distance thing. This DESPITE THE FACT that she told him about the psycho email she sent me the VERY DAY that she sent it. Not only did this not make him turn her over to immigration — he also didn’t feel the need to call/write and apologise to me asap. So all in all, not the biggest loss in the world that I won’t be seeing him again. As for being a dink, I think he’s just young. Aren’t we all dinks when we’re young?

Now, while this does not make me sad in the sense that Zac is gone from my snuggle-couch, it DOES make me sad because this is YET ANOTHER rejection. I keep “offering” my affection to unworthy men (and I even know they’re unworthy! I just want the momentary thrill!) and they play along for a few days, and then they say, “No thanks, Heather.”

If I had worse self-esteem, it’d be a lot easier to tolerate. But as it is, I know that these boys aren’t “good enough” for me — they’re young and/or weak and/or unambitious. So it’s a lot harder to accept that they don’t want my affection.

Q (currently a Love-Guru because he’s found a Great Catch) says that I’m too focussed on FINDING a snuggle partner/True Love. He says I have to be okay with not having one, and that’s when I’ll find it.

This is crap. Especially if you consider my clever work-strategy analogy detailed above.

I’m a very independent woman — I don’t want a housemate or even daily boyfriend. But just as we all need money to pay our rent and buy groceries/martinis, we also need someone to snuggle with occassionally and feel appreciated by. I get some snuggles and love from Q, Jessie, Liv, etc., but we all know that’s not the same thing.

Whatever.
I’m going to try and realign my energies toward writing. Specifically:
1. getting another play on stage; and
2. creating a new portfolio of current writing.

After my AmEx rejection, I started thinking about how I’d feel if my MFA application was rejected. And that would cause serious trauma. Aiming for my MFA counters my daily government-whoring: I haven’t sold out, because I still plan to Be A Writer. If UBC thinks I suck, I don’t know what’s next. Therefore, a new portfolio and a new MFA application would revive my Writerly Goals.

Also
Spencer’s cutting my hair today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A New Do = A New You – Sunday, Nov.27/05 – 12:04 pm
Spencer’s said that getting a haircut is a traumatic experience, since it involves a great deal of change in a short amount of time. I get haircuts whenever I need this trauma (or when I remember to make an appt, because my hair is becoming mullet-like). Yesterday Spencer dyed my hair a very blonde-blonde (we tried out a new dye they’d ordered, called “ash”) and chopped it. I love it. It’s different from the cut I’ve been getting for most of this past year, but it’s short and frazzled and soft.

Last night, Spencer & Q and I watched Cold Case Files and gradually desensitized ourselves to murder, torture, and unwarranted conviction. And we drank a lot of wine. And then we went to Brian’s house, which by the way is BEAUTIFUL and exactly what I’ve always wanted to own: three or more stories, bright colours, very open, with fireplaces and an AMAZING veranda with a cherry (?) tree growing up through the floor. We met Jesse, Brian’s Vancouver friend, and went to see Rent at SilverCity.

Rent
is the worst movie ever produced in the history of the universe. I thought I’d like it, since I write musicals, but even I was laughing at the TERRIBLE ABSURDITY within five minutes. Maybe it got better after the first scene — I don’t know, because we left, giggling, and watched Pride & Prejudice, with Kira Knightly, instead.

(If a handful of ‘mos and a musical playwright walk out on something like Rent, it has to be terrible . . . Q doesn’t count, because he hates musicals anyways and I had to trick him to get him into the theatre.)

So bed at 2am, and now I’m supposed to Hurry Up And Shower because we have a group brunch date.

Wisdom Teeth Update – Sunday, Nov.27/05 – 7:55 pm
Right bottom is half in and I don’t even notice it; left bottom is achey and half in. Nothing to report re: the top.

Exciting Plans This Week
1. Liv starts work tomorrow!!!!!!
2. Q is having a party on Friday night.
3. Jessie & I are going on a pub crawl Saturday (hopefully Liv will come too).
4. I’m supposed to meet up with Britt and the new producer of Atomic Vaudeville — we’re going to scheme as to how to takeover the world. Also, I’ll get my cd of Zac’s “Heritage Moment” — I wonder if I can put audio on this site . . .

Why I Didn’t Call My Family Tonight
I’m supposed to call every Sunday, but today I was so grumpy & in such a foul funk when I got home that I didn’t want to subject them to my mood. I feel a lot better now, though — I did my dishes, tidied up a bit, watered the bunnies, and watched Levi MacDougall on Popcultured (which otherwise is a terrible waste of airtime).

I’m going home for Christmas on December 14th, and I’ll be home for almost three weeks . . . I find that some withdrawal beforehand helps make the visit more enjoyable. Otherwise I become a parentable daughter, rather than a Christmas guest. I told Dad once that I’m too old to be parented, meaning that if it hasn’t sunk in by now then there’s no use trying . . . does that sound awful? It makes me angstful when other people try to “fix” my life. I’ve done a fine job so far — it’s a little late to advise.

Or maybe not? Am I a 25-year-old know-it-all?

What I Know For Sure
I’m going to have a bath and go to bed now.

Craft Time – Monday, Nov.28/05 – 10:38 pm
I made paper mache Christmas balls today. I haven’t played with paper mache for awhile — it’s icky gooey but so pleasurable, especially because I tried a recipe I found online that involves boiling the water. It was like smooshing my fingers in warm custard . . .

Anyhoo. I’m Celeste-sitting tonight because Q’s in Parksville for work. The forecast calls for snow tonight, so we’re just hoping he’ll be able to make it back . . . my bunnies get pissy when I abandon them mid-week.

Ew, pissy — what a terrible adjective for rabbits . . .

Also Liv started her new job today!!!!! I’m surrounded by people I love at work. It’s groovy.

And I had an appointment with Raffaele, my banker, to figure out how to improve my credit, but he says I just have to keep paying off my debt. Go figure. Raffaele used to be one of the only people around my age that I knew who was married — now he’s the only one I know who’s divorced. Poor guy. I hope he’s happier now — I’m not friendly enough with him to ask. Hopefully he’ll come to a party with us sometime and he’ll feel like bonding.

Owwie Owwie – Tuesday, Nov.29/05 – 8:55 pm
My head hurts.

Back in the day when I was experimenting with my Happy Pills dosage it was VERY VERY easy to cry. For no reason. At any time, any place. It was difficult to NOT cry in public. And now my head hurts, and I feel like I just need a good solid cry to make it better. I’m not sad about anything . . . even my terrible credit doesn’t make me too upset. It’s just been a really long time since I cried, and I need the purge. I’ve been brainstorming cry-motivators all evening: watching a sad movie (but I don’t cry at movies — except for that part in Forrest Gump where Tom Hanks is talking to Jenny’s grave and he says:

TOM: He’s so smart, Jenny.

That always gets me chokey), or thinking about stressful things like money, or trying really hard to feel unloved. Nothing’s working, though. I’m going to try to make myself sad in the shower — that always did it back in the Crazy Days.

I’m not weird in this, I’m pretty sure. You all know what I mean about needing a good cry, right?

Peter’s Nesting
He’s been sitting in his litterbox since I got home. It’s not Easter, so I don’t know what’s up. Haha, I’m so funny.

Erm.

Next Federal Election
Paul Martin’s speechwriter is keeping a blog. It’s kinda funny.

Little Spitfire

September 2005

September 1, 2005 Heather Leave a comment

Moving Day!!!! – September 1/05 – 8 am

Q is moving into his new home today, and I have taken the day off to SLEEP, NOT read the news, and help out by comforting Celeste. Also, it’s sunny which is much better than rain on a moving day.

Hooking Heather Up
A variety of “opportunities” have arisen whereby friends and acquaintances are matchmaking for me. I have a 36 year old tall man and a 23 year old academic in my future . . . and I have a new neighbour, as of last night, who is my age, but I think he’s short. For those who don’t know, I have a standing reward for anyone who finds me a good one — a $100 gift certificate for Bravo’s restaurant, the best food in Victoria. So go forth and add to my Potential Booty List!

How Many Bunny Rabbits is Too Many? – Friday, Sept. 2/05
Mom & Dad have decided to focus their parental energies on my excessive rabbit population. And to an extent I agree: Seamus and Caramel would be much happier and healthier as house rabbits. BUT it’s difficult to find a home that would give them the freedom and attention that would compensate them for losing their porch haven. Also, Caramel is not littertrained and would require an attentive and forgiving bunny parent.

Just Sos Ya Know, Normal Rabbits Endure the Following:

Too-small cages that don’t allow them to jump around, run, tunnel, and exercise properly. If a bunny lives in a cage, they require a minimum of three hours cage-free exercise a day. That’s a lot of supervision.
Cages with metal mesh on the bottom, which hurt their feet, and pine shavings (sold by most pet stores as “rabbit” cage shavings), which give them liver & other internal organ problems.
A lack of attention. And yes, I do forget about my baby bunnies occasionally, but I check on them at least twice a day (due to their feeding schedule).

Mom’s arguments tend to focus on the porch as wasted space, rabbit-stink, and bunnies as mobility-limiting factors. Once a strong person wanders into my house, I intend to recruit their assistance and get that piss-stained futon couch off my porch. I want to replace it with plastic chairs and a table, and then I can easily clean any mess, and sit and drink tea with the bunnies. It’s shady out there even on the sunniest day, which is ideal for rabbits but not for me . . . the only reason I’d go out there would be to bond with S&C.

As for the rabbit-stink, that’s due to Peter and his litter box, and there’s nothing I can do about that except keep him/it clean, open the doors, and burn some incense. Peter’s worth a little stink.

Goddamn Hootchie Neighbours
The house-owner’s daughter had a party last night. She’s normally very lovely, but a drunken Thursday night screamfest has upset my opinion of her. At 10:30pm I went over, trying to look as harried as possible, and told them I had to work at 6:30am and could they please shut up. I’ve learned, however, that drunken assurances mean shit, and therefore they continued until late. I fell asleep at 11pm or so, but my Dad (who is visiting as of yesterday) was awake when someone authoritative starting yelling and closed down the party. Poor Dad! On a boat for two weeks, and his first land-sleep is distrupted by a bunch of hootchies.

Dad, Visiting
Dad called from Sidney yesterday, where he moored his 22-foot Catalina sailboat (aka a floating Volkwagen). He helped the Q move and bought us Chinese food for dinner, and chatted up the movers and told funny stories about currents and a stick-figure Jesus on Thetis Island. I love my Dad.

Yep
This is a random and scattered little entry today . . . But I’ve been random and scattered lately. Hopefully these notes encompass most of the “significant” stuff from the past 25 hours.

Other stuff includes:

email from Vitto saying “saw you at Syn, hi there”;
have managed to cut Shawn from my life for a week now, with no significant sense of loss (I have no time for inconsiderate poohs);
bought 4 shirts on Wednesday and they made me feel happy, so am tempted to buy into the whole “retail therapy” lifestyle
I think Justin has moved to Seattle by now — I’ll have to catch up with Jessie today;
my sister is 1cm dilated (???) and the baby has “dropped” (????) and I could be an aunty ANY DAY NOW.

Dad Returns to the Sea – Sunday, Sept.4/05 – 8:50 am
Dad left for Sidney and his boat, Rorinante, this morning. We had a good visit — lots of intense conversations and the usual. Dad tends to parent like today’s the last day to parent, so he shares all the wisdom and stories he can think of. I love it. It’s exactly the oppositive of those superficial “How are you? Fine” conversations that most people seem to want to have.

Joel Kroeker
We went to see Joel Kroeker play at Logan’s last night. If there is a god, and if god has a voice, he sounds like Joel Kroeker. I LOVE JOEL KROEKER. This was the first time I’ve seen him play with his full band, though, and it was a lot of sound. What’s with bands? They must all be deaf because they turn their bass/guitar/etc volumes up way too loud, the drummer doesn’t bother to muffle his bass, and then I can’t hear a fricking word of the song. Joel’s voice was audible, though, so at least Dad got to hear how good he is. The first singer was Harmony Trow-something — she has an unusual voice so I bought her cd to give it a proper listen when I do dishes today.

“Ramping Up” to Fall Drama
(See how I slipped in that gov’t phrase? Oh, yes. I’m learning.) My neighbour Tim is a hottie. He’s shorter than my usual preference, about 6-feet or something. But he will be a pleasant friend at the very least. He had bunnies once. And it’s so easy to approach neighbours — there are infinite excuses for visits.

Also, my as-yet-unmet-but-recommended-by-friend 36 year old man John called me Friday night and left a message. Hopefully I’ll be able to meet him this week. He sounds like fun.

AND, just so things don’t get too inconsistent, Q and my friend Regan invited us to her Birthday on the 16th. Regan is the older sister of my RockStar, Ryan. While the whole thing feels awkward and unnecessary, it might lead to some interesting stories.

To Be Continued
I will add more later this weekend, but Seven Years in Tibet just started on TV.

SuperHeather – Monday, Sept. 5/05 – 9:10 pm
I’m trying a new strategy whereby I figure out what pisses me off, then I fix it. Today I bought one of those shoe holders that hang on one side of a door, and so all my smelly shoes are stuck into the pockets and they won’t get all scuffed and grimy and stink up my closet anymore. Also, I managed to disassemble my futon frame tonight: a square-headed screwdriver and some pliers were needed, and my hammer. I felt very tooly. The frame is now in handy 3×4.5-foot chunks, and I can toss them off my porch and into the dumpsters tomorrow. Yay! I plan to get a sweet little plastic or metal patio set — one or two chairs and a wee table for my tea. Then I can snuggle with the bunnies all winter and watch the rain storms.

Updates re: Booty
I went upstairs to invite Neighbour Tim to breakfast/lunch today, but he wasn’t there (or didn’t answer my knock) so that was a failure. However, I did pass him while walking home from Christie’s pub — he was walking with a girl riding her bike. I should expect that he has a girlfriend, to avoid disappointment. Regardless, he smiled hugely at me and he’s clearly in love with me. Fun fun fun.

The 36 year old guy, John, called me — did I already mention this? Anyhoo, he left a message and I haven’t called him back yet. I’ve been bonding with Dad and watching plays and eating. Tomorrow I should send him an email or something.

And re: Mom’s hookup of a 23 year old smartie pants, I haven’t heard anything. So no exciting news there.

Christie’s Pub
The pub is only three blocks or so from Q’s new house. We went there for dinner tonight — Dean’s treat. Dean’s visiting Q from Ottawa before he jaunts off to Lebanon for his work with the foreign service. What a hottie. We walked Celeste on Dallas Road today and gawked at sweaty football players.

Also, I learned how to shampoo a carpet: Q had to clean his bedroom in the old apartment, so I read and interpreted the instructions while the boyz did the work. It’s actually not that tricky. I was inspired to borrow Q’s vacuum, and I might actually attempt to vacuum up all the dust bunnies in this place. Peter HATES the vacuum, though, so I’ll have to do it early in the day; otherwise, he’ll keep me awake all night with his stomping.

Peter Relearns Boundaries
He’s been leaving dainty poops in the area around his food & water dishes and litter box. This means he is claiming it as his territory. However, it is actually MY territory since I pay the rent and have to walk through the mess to get to my drawers, so I’ve moved all of his “survival” stuff* closer together to remind him that his space is limited.

*I specified “survival” stuff because Peter has quite a few personal possessions (“luxuries”) around the house: sticks under most of the furniture, a wicker basket, silk scarf and blankie under the drafting table, a ribbon tied to the desk to suck on, and then of course his de-construction site underneath the couch.

Laundry Hell – Tuesday, Sept. 6/05 – 9:00 pm
I intended to get all my clothes clean today but because Q’s new laundry washer and drier are the WORST LAUNDRY WASHER AND DRIER EVER, I’m only done 1 load. (Load one of two yellows, of SIX loads in total.)

Load #2 is in the middle of its second time around in the drier. Load #3 is stuck in the washer. Loads #4-6 are stagnating in the hall.

Ugh.

Meanwhile
Celeste wants to play with her tennis ball . . . she loves her new home!!!!!!

(Exciting Appointment Today – Wednesday, Sept. 7/05
Spencer’s cutting my hair today!!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAY!!!)

Short Hair & Clean Clothes – Wednesday, Sept. 7/05 – 10:14 pm
I feel like a SuperStar. Except that I have too many clothes and too few hangers, so I will have to invest in some sort of storage container for all my summer shite in order to make room for the sweaters.

Moment of Political Awareness (or not)
Spencer asked me what’s going on with the hurricane Katrina situation down in New Orleans. Since I read all the major newspapers every day I’m usually sort of “in the know” about current news, but when asked to paraphrase I realized that all I’ve really been doing is looking at the crazy, surreal pictures and reading the personal stories and tallying headlines that promote or discourage financial donations.

I wonder if it’s better to be “sort of in the know” about what’s happening, or totally oblivious. I felt a little guilty, not even knowing the exact death count so far. (I think it’s 1,000 but it might be 10,000 — or that might just be a headline I saw from another story . . .)

Also I feel guilty about my secret fetish for all things Apocalyptic. Natural disasters intrigue me, since I’ve never actually experienced one directly. I had to watch myself while talking to Spencer at the salon, to make sure I didn’t smile too much or seem too eager to talk about how terrible it all is — there were other people there, and I didn’t want to offend someone. On September 11 I was giddy and only realized how inappropriate my glee was once Q and I ran into Rachel, who had friends working in the towers.

But it’s true, I’ve always loved books where ALMOST everyone in the world dies, and then a few survive so they have to forage and fend and find some half-assed reason to continue. Ironic, considering that with my terrible eyesight I’d be DOOMED once my corrective eyewear was lost (like Piggy in Lord of the Flies . . .). And being a wee woman there’s rape and all kinds of terrible shit to think of. And my bunnies! They’d be screwed . . .

Everyone has guilty fantasies, though. I suppose mass death and anarchy are relatively mild . . .

Putting Away My Clothes – Thursday, Sept. 8/05 – 7:11 pm
The saddest part was when I realized that I own two identical pink tanktops and FOUR identical muscle shirts. Apparently my short-term memory problems are more serious than I’d thought.

Peter’s Birthday – Friday, Sept.9/05
I don’t know exactly when Peter’s birthday is, but I think I adopted him sometime in August/September . . .

Resolution is a Wonderful Thing – Saturday, Sept.10/05 – 11:31 am
Regan and Ryan (aka my RockStar) came to Victoria to visit their uncle Gordie, who is recuperating from an operation. Q and I met them for lunch, plus their gramma and dad, and it was exactly the scary experience I’d expected — I had no fucking clue what to say or do with Ryan, since I had no fucking clue what was going on, and whether he wanted anything from me other than WriterStyle advice & input. Regardless, I sorta survived that one, and then we went back to work.

After work I went home and slept for a few hours, until Old Man John (my 36 year old potential love-interest) called, and then I had a half-asleep conversation — I think we’re hooking up on Sunday or sometime this week — and then I got up and went downtown to meet Rowan and Regan and Q at the Sticky Wicket for some drinky drinks on the rooftop. (What’s with all these “r” names???)

And then we all taxied to Safeway and picked up bananas and booze (not in that order), and returned to Q’s to frolic with Celeste and Regan/Ryan’s old doggy, Maggie.

Ryan was keeping his gramma company at their hotel until she fell asleep, and then he came to Q’s at 11 and got me and we went for a really long walk ‘n’ talk, and now I feel 100% better.

The Walk ‘n’ Talk
Essentially, Ryan is not in love with me at this time, and that is okay with me because he said so. The uncertainty about everything was making me crazy, but now that loose tooth has fallen out so I can stop obsessing. We walked down to the beach at Dallas Road and grabbed some bonfire that had been abandoned and Ryan played with newspaper and driftwood and I threw rocks to make everything spark. (There’s probably a metaphor in there somewhere . . . ) I don’t like the thought of anyone not being madly in love with me, but since I’m not so sure that Ryan can be in love with ANYONE right now (due to craziness, youth, self-obsession, whatever) I’m happy being one of the ones he tried to love.

I know it is entirely up to me whether I want to be friends/allies/confidantes now, and I think that I will be okay with that sort of relationship — that will have to be reevaluated if/when Ryan falls in love with someone, because then I’ll probably be jealous and pissed off. But for now, I love having this beautiful RockStar Writer man in my life. And now I’m emotionally free to fall in love with someone else (damn these monotasking limitations!) so I CAN have it all: love and sex and writerly companionship.

BitterScripts
Last night at some point I figured out the next part of my new play! Usually I jump up (or roll over) and write EVERYTHING DOWN ASAP because I know I’ll forget the idea(s). But I didn’t. And I still remember them, so hopefully the “spark” will still be there too when I write the new scenes and they will still have that MiddleOfTheNightMagic to them.

Today
R&R are visiting their uncle, and Regan wants to take the doggies for a walk, and Celeste is getting her hair cut this afternoon, and in theory we are having a Mortgages Are Fun housewarming BBQ at Q’s. I’m not entirely sure if that will happen – it’s really just an excuse to get together with some of the people Q&I haven’t seen lately.

Tonight Jessie and I are going to a Crazy Mad Singles’ Party to hook up with hootchie men. More on that tomorrow, I suppose 🙂

Old People Parties – Sunday, Sept.11/05 – 10:57 am
Jessie pointed out that old people (i.e. ages 30+) still like to get together and drink and have a party. When we’re old, we’ll probably do that too. But I won’t want angstful 20-somethings there!

In other words, Jessie & Justin & Jess (“J” names!!!!) and I went to Karen’s party last night, which was supposed to be a singles’ thing but which her man apparently thought was a housewarming, so he’d invited all his old couple friends & coworkers (employees, to be exact) and Karen had invited us. Regardless, it was a good night. Karen & her man Stacy (haha) have this beautiful, crazy-grown-up condo/townhouse/strata/whatever thing on her parent’s development property. It’s THREE STORIES, with a massive walk-in closet in the master bedroom, and a 2-person jacuzzi tub, and it’s just beautiful. I thought she was having a party while her parents were out of town, but no, it’s all hers. Craziness.

I found out when leaving that the old people couples were Stacy’s employees, and that they were all nervous because he was their boss (he’s the CEO at a consulting firm or something); with this in mind, I will say that I slapped his ass at one point, and that my new woman-friend Erica and I rearranged all his CDs and books in Random Acts of Terrorism. Stacy keeps his CDs arranged alphabetically (and there are probably 2,000 of them), and his books are arranged in colour. (Yes, colour. How ridiculous is that????) I assume we’ll be the first on his invite list in the future 🙂

Final R&R Weekend Update
I walked up to Q’s Saturday morning because I was done drinking tea and bored of waiting for him to get ready. Lucky thing too, because I got there about 5 minutes before Regan & Ryan & Maggie left for the ferry, ahead of schedule. Over the summer I’ve accumulated about 4 books (and the second trilogy of the Griffin & Sabine series) for Ryan. I finally got to give them to him, so now there’s that much less clutter in my house, and I won’t have to mail them or anything.

Books include:
Unless, by Carol Shields, because it’s brilliant and Sara Cassidy (her daughter) is producing a play version in late October that I want to see.

Nine Knives (or is it 15??) by Mark Jarman, because he’s a modern-day Kerouac and also the editor of one of the lit magazines I suggested to Ryan — The Fiddlehead.

Generation X, by Douglas Coupland, which I think sucks but it’s a staple of any “generational identity” literary collection, along with Kerouac, etc.

The Griffin & Sabine Morning Star Trilogy, because it’s the perfect example of art+story. Luckily, Ryan has the first three.

Next weekend is Regan’s birthday, and Q&I are going to Richmond to celebrate. I’m no longer dreading it. Yay!

Today’s Forecast
J&J&J invited me for breakfast this morning, but I want to have some time to drink tea & contemplate Peter & maybe write my new scene(s). Q has a spa day today — it started 15 minutes ago, actually. It’s my birthday gift to him, which he’s been saving for after his move. Includes: spa bath, 1 hour massage, facial, pedicure, lunch . . .

Also I managed to cut the nails on Peter’s front left hoof this morning. He hated it. And I got bunny hair all over my shirt.

Welcome Back, Kotter – Monday, Sept.12/05 – 8:55 pm
Back in highschool I LOVED this show. And yesterday I saw some ad on tv that the series was going to be run again, and today I was so excited that I actually tried to find the time & channel online. No luck. And THEN I flipped through some channels tonight after dinner, and whadyaknow, there it was, about to start, the pilot episode.

Fate.

Let’s Talk About Love
I’m starting to suspect that my definition of “love” is different from some of YOUR definitions. So let’s be clear.

“Love” for me is a whole spectrum of stuff. I love Johnny Depp because he is brave enough to be an actor instead of a celebrity in his movies (unlike Leonardo DiCaprio, for example, who is always Leonardo DiCaprio). I love Joel Kroeker because he shines light out through his crazy beautiful voice. I love my RockStar because of his aesthetics (art, music, writing). I love Levi MacDougall because of how he sees the world. I love Ani DiFranco because she thinks everything’s screwed up and also she knows that she’s not the answer to that problem. I love Good People, by which I mean people who have good hearts, who want to create beautiful things, who will never intentionally be cruel or hurtful (although sometimes these people have the urge to hurt or be cruel, just like most poeple, and they are often so overcome with guilt that they feel like they have to atone for what they haven’t done).

Sometimes I “love” someone because I am so attracted to their Good Personness and Light and Beautiful Created Things. And sometimes I want to be veryveryveryclose to them, have sex with them, or just hug them so that I can have some of that beautiful energy too. (And give them some of mine.)

I suspect that when I say I “love” someone, some of you interpret that in other ways. And this has fucked up a lot of possibilities. Because for other people “love” means something very fixed and restrictive, or something else unpleasant.

Anyhoo, I’m going to try and be more careful about using that verb. Which I (ever righteous) think is sad, because why shouldn’t “love” be a daily explanation for our relationships?

Also, I Hit On a Crazy Man
Ohmigod. I was in the sunshine on Starbucks’ patio yesterday, revising my scripts for my MFA application, killing time between brunch with Jessie & co. and sushi with Liv (why does our bonding always revolve around food????) and there was this BEAUTIFUL sexy hottie at a table. He was really tall. 6’4″, maybe. Yum. And when he went into Starbucks to get his coffee I went over to the other guys sitting there and asked if I could sit with them and listen to their mantalk, and they invited me, and so I sat down and talked for an hour or so with these 2 guys from Oregon and the Hottie, who just moved to Victoria from Saskatchewan. I thought I’d won the goddamn lottery — beautiful tall man, right off the boat . . . (or the TransCanada).

And this guy was promising. He’s an artist — he paints stuff. And very smiley, and talkative, and funny, and smart (aka huge vocabulary). So I almost fell in love (see above), but then he went crazy. Specifically, he spontaneously composed and recited a poem to a birdy, and then kept interupting my Oregon conversations to talk about how he was the subject of an intervention, and how he was institutionalised, and then I lent him my notebook because he wanted to write me a poem and ALLOFASUDDEN he started reading this poem to us while we were talking. Clearly a youngest child, clearly a total nutter.

And yes, I confess that I was internally measuring how willing I’d be to ignore his BLATANT SOCIOPATHIC TENDENCIES since he was so fricking pretty. But eventually I left. So you can all relax.

Exhausted & Infectious – Tuesday, Sept.13/05 – 9:25 pm
Now that the legislature is back in session I’m working from 6am to 2pm, Monday to Friday. This isn’t a huge difference in work hours, but I’ve been tired lately regardless. I get home, and I have a hot shower, and I fall asleep. Hopefully my body will eventually adjust and I’ll be able to be productive outside of the office.

Also, my right eye is all pink & weird, and so I went to the optometrist today and he said it’s the beginning of an eye infection, due to wearing my contacts too much. I’ve had contact lenses since I was 8 (really) and apparently this newfound intolerance is due to me getting older. So I’m going to wear my glasses to work more often, and I have some potent eye drops to use for now.

My MFA Application
I haven’t been too worried about the cover letter, the resume, or the stage play sections, but I can’t remember most of my fiction from UVic. I browsed through my portfolios today from all five years of English Lit & creative writing projects, and there are a few good stories that I think are not only worth submitting, but also worth revising at some point. I love reading something, thinking “wow, this is really good,” and half-knowing that I’m the one that wrote it. Hehe.

Anyone Want a Rabbit-Piss-Stained Futon?
The garbage people won’t take it, and I’d rather not pay the junk guy to remove it. I’m considering borrowing one of the grocery carts that are scattered around town and trucking it to the closest dumpster. It will be SO lovely to have it gone . . .

Branding – Thursday, Sept.15/05
Okay, so: back in the day (aka “old school” style) businesses advertised their services/products, and were known as such. For example, the hardward store sold hardware and was known as the hardware store. The grocery store sold groceries. This is still true for some businesses — including those in smaller towns that have so far resisted “big box” stores and the usual franchises (e.g. McDonalds).

But NOW businesses are starting to develop themselves as brands. For example: Starbucks is Starbucks. Technically, they started selling coffee, but it’s not ridiculous for them to also develop and sell, say, board games (Cranium!!) because those products are part of the Starbucks brand, or lifestyle, or . . . State of Being. Ditto “the grocery store”: they opened florist areas, and bakeries, and a deli, and a fish market, and had a space for the Bank of Montreal, and you could essentially do all the errands you had to in that one huge space. Now there are even Starbucks inside urban Safeways. Ditto for Chapters. I mean, what EXACTLY does Walmart sell? It doesn’t have a specific product. It’s a LIFESTYLE, a STATE OF BEING: you go to Walmart. You don’t go to Walmart to get a specific item, like you go to the old-school hardware stores to get a 2×4.

Anyways, that’s what I realized this morning. I probably could have had the epiphany years earlier if I’d taken an single economics or business course at UVic. Maybe that’s the whole point of universities: to present a student with prepackaged Epiphanies For Dummies so we don’t have to figure them out for ourselves. Interesting implications . . .

In Other News: I Am Amazing
Dad helped me get my rabbit-piss-steeped futon mattress off of the balcony and out to the trash, but the garbage people refused to take it away. Bastards. So I was almost resigned to calling a private hauler and paying $40, but THEN while walking home yesterday I realized that there are DUMPSTERS everywhere (aha!) and that if I could get the futon to one of those dumpsters then all would be well. However, Q refused to let the disgusting mattress into his car, and I couldn’t find a handy shopping cart on my walk home, so I convinced the Q to put the mattress on top of the VW and then we could slowly transport it to the closest dumpster.

Quinn has no sense of sneakiness, though, because he refused to turn his headlights off when we were behind the targetted apartment building, AND he even had the radio on pretty loudly. Regardless of his OBVIOUSNESS, we managed to ditch the stinky beast in a dumpster, and sped off without anyone chasing us. If they managed to get his license number, I refuse to accept any responsibility.

And THEN Q went home to watch the finale of Canadian Idol, and I carried the three major sections of the futon couch/bed frame to two different dumpsters — the first one wasn’t big enough and it stuck out so I avoided that for the next two sections.

Oh, and did I mention that I am AMAZING??? My balcony/porch/whatever is now empty except for Seamus & Caramel’s two-storey cage, some milkcrates for their amusement, and two black metal chairs. No straw, no hay, and no pissy futon.

Going to Van Fer a Party – Friday, Sept.16/05
It’s Regan’s birthday sometime around now — maybe even today!!!!!! So Q and Celeste and I are catching the 5pm ferry and spending some quality time in Richmond this weekend. Peter will be upset. He’s been extremely affectionate lately and I think he desperately needs a snuggle and nose-pet.

Yesterday after work I went to Syn with Jessie & Karen and we drank numerous martinis: Cosmopolisyn, Original Syn . . . also I tried their new 4 course entree option, with steak & Caesar salad & mashed taters & veggies & tapas & turtle pie. I could NOT eat it all. Luckily Jessie & Karen are weak for tapas & turtle pie. I felt like I was living in a small town again yesterday. The Chapters staff know me, since I worked there for a month two summers ago & I’m friends with Liv & I was Prof. Trelawny at the Harry Potter Launch Party & because I’m in there almost every day. So I made nice talk with all the salespeople and cashiers, and then at Syn I know the manager & most of the servers (due to being a frequent customer and a vocal feedback-giver). It was like Invermere all over again.

Eye Update
Since I’m sure you’re all very concerned about my health, let me assure you that my eye is a lot better, due to rampant glasses-wearing this week and frequent eye-drop applications. There’s a little bit of red left by the iris, and my eyes seem to get dry quickly when I do wear my contact lenses, but I think an emergency has been avoided. Damn this stuffy office space and hidden asbestos and early morning work hours!! This is NOT conducive to happy eye health.

Giddy About Atomic Vaudeville
Atomic Vaudeville’s theme this month is “The Gayest Show Ever.” We’ve invited Karen to attend for the first time, and us regulars are VERY excited about the possible skits. Also, I don’t have to work on Friday, September 30, so I can stay up late on Thursday and drink my ears off and not worry about 5am alarm clocks. YAYAYAYAYAY!!!!

Loud Keyboard – Saturday, Sept.17/05 – 10:56am
House still asleep after loud Christian campers sleepover last night — us older people recuperating from 3:30am comp. games — going to read a book now.

Apparently Prayer Works – Monday, Sept. 19/05 – 5:56 am
Or I can control the weather. I was walking to work and just as I passed under a bus shelter it started to rain, and I still had 10 minutes or so of open-air walking, and I muttered, Heather-like, “Don’t rain, please don’t rain” because my red umbrella is at work and I forgot my blue umbrella in Q’s car, and it sprinkled for a few blocks and then stopped. I’m like Storm from the X-Men.

How can I do anything that isn’t “Heather-like”????

I was a bad little writer this weekend as far as website updates go, but I got a fair bit of editing & thinking done on my fiction portfolio (for my MFA application). Also, the keyboard at R&R Flowers’s house is noisy (see above) so I wasn’t inclined to write anything when I woke up earlier than everyone else on Saturday. And Sunday we were too busy IKEAing and eating at IHOP. I love IHOP. Never been there before this weekend, but after 1 breakfast and 1 lunch and 1 extremely attractive man paying his bill at the till, I’m an IHOP groupie.

Weekend Run-down
Friday: ferried to Vancouver on the 5pm sailing in the Elite $7 for all-you-can-eat baked goods & hot beverages Quiet People Only Lounge. Nicole Barnett was there — I didn’t tell her about my nightmare wherein she waxed my eyebrows into girly pencil-lines. Ate custard danishes and drank tea and did Suduko puzzles.

Drove to Regan’s. Went to a Ukranian soup kitchen and ate cabbage rolls with Regan, Q, and Sarah from Chilliwack. Scored free drinks from the bartender. Returned to find Ryan & co. were hosting a sleepover for “at-risk” Christian camp pre-teens. We are old and uncool and alcoholics so we drank silently in the den out of coffee cups & watched Jimmy Fallon in Fever Pitch (decent movie). Went to bed; woke up sporadically due to adolescent exhuberance downstairs.

Saturday: I was awake at 10:30 am, unlike everyone else. Pre-teens sprawled everywhere foiled my plan to Suduko on the couch. Showered and took Celeste to the backyard until everyone else woke up. Stole bacon from Christian children’s breakfast buffet. Went to IHOP #1 with Regan, Q, and Sarah. Lusted after sexy man paying at the till. Ate eggs & bacon & sourdough toast. Zombied through shopping mall & Costco for party supplies. Bought brown skirt, excellent necklace @ mall, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy DVD at Costco. Returned to R&R’s. Napped for 1 hour. Dressed in new stuff, made pizza, tried to be pleasant and not too embarassing with guests.

Sunday: SLEPT REALLY REALLY WELL (due to Wild Vines blackberry “merlot”??) then got up and etc. Went to IHOP & IKEA (in love with both franchises). Ate cheesy philly steak sandwich & onion rings that left a puddle of grease on my plate. Bought random shit, including a patio table to hold my teapot & bamboo blinds to replace the ratty pink things leftover from the last tenant of my suite. Then: the 6pm ferry (crappy Queen of Saanich) and Wendy’s for a burger and home. The bunnies survived the weekend; I have new toys to play with from IKEA; all is well.

Chewing the Fat
I bitched to Q at one point about my sore hand, and he asked what the red marks were, and I said nothing relevant, and he asked if they were bite marks, and I confessed, and he asked when I’d made them, and I said Saturday night, and he scolded me, and I said “but why does my hand hurt?” and he said I’d probably bruised the muscle or something, which makes sense. But I really didn’t think the hurt would last beyond that initial bite, so new thing learned: I can actually damage myself! Whodathunkit! I thought I was like a snake, how they are immune to their own venom. Felt like a wanker as a result.

Oh, and Tupperware
I exploited an exceptional deal courtesy of a TupperWare flyer misprint, and now own a sexy set of FridgeSmart containers. Brenda delivered them on Friday, along with some of the stuff leftover from the play last year — including a lazy Susan (one of those spinning trays) which will be IDEAL for when I have tea. Yay TupperWare!

Jason Lee on TV – Tuesday, Sept.20/05
Ohmigod.

Buying Bouquets & Budgeting
I was gloomy and bored and restless (but in an apathetic way) yesterday. Oh, poor me.

But then I had an “e-conversation” with Old Man John, who seems really great, and I bought myself a huge bouquet of primary-coloured flowers (including those long green things with the bright petals — freesia?? I have no fricking clue) and some smoked salmon (thinking of Dad), and wandered home to set up my new bunny-porch patio set, wash the new TupperWare, and watch my Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy DVD. Basically, I kept busy and didn’t nap. Also, I ate good food. And listened to Ani DiFranco’s “Not a Pretty Girl,” the best song ever.

I am determined to go away this winter to somewhere sunny. But I don’t know how I should pay for it. I have always been impressed with Q’s ability to understand abstract concepts like “annual interest” and “prime + 2.5%” and so I sat down, sorted through six months of paperwork, and deduced the following:

I had three student loans, but paid one off this year. Now I have two student loans, plus one bank loan from my unemployed phase.
In total, I pay three payments per month: $216, $78 and $530.
The “annual interest rates” are “prime + 2.5%” for the first two payments, and “prime + 4.25%” for the third. So that makes sense to pay lots to that last one each month.
Are you bored yet? I am.
My credit cards have annual interest rates of 19% and 18.5%. That’s a lot higher than the loan rates, so therefore it’s good to pay those off every month.

So now I’m “in the know” regarding my finances! Yay! I have no idea what to do with this information. Can I do anything to enable a future vacation?? Change loan holders . . .???? Should I pay everything off and be bored for the three-four years that it will take? Should I say FUCK IT and stop paying my student debt and take that cash and blow it on Ouzo in Greece?

Normally, as you know, I resent advice in any form. In this instance, please feel free to share.

Finally, Some Excitement – Wednesday, Sept.21/05 – 6:29 pm
Work was crazy busy today. One part of my job (about 40%) involves sending out a compilation of ministry-related media coverage twice a day to the ministry’s employees. Usually these packages are about 5 to 10 pages long; today, I sent out three packages, totalling about 70 pages. I love it when it’s busy like this, and I feel like a significant part in the Wheel o’ Communications.

The other day I was checking out this tall guy on the bus, and when he sat down by me and said hi I realized it was Liam, the guy who used to give me free baklava at Eugenes years ago. I gave him my fancy schmancy business card & cell number and told him we should be friends, since I’ve known him longer than almost anyone else in Victoria. So he called me yesterday, and we were going to have tea/whatever today after work, but I worked until 4pm instead of 2pm so I had to cancel. Very disappointing. He’s quite tall.

In other news, either Sister Evy hasn’t had her baby yet, or the family hasn’t bothered to tell me that she has. She’s supposedly due on the 27th, but I suspect that’s just to accomodate Dad’s birthdate.

Tonight Q and I are going to a Rotary Club dinner. Q’s going because he’s a Rotarian; I’m going for the Yorkshire puddings. So I’m all dressed up in some fairly adult clothes, except that this shirt is too short and my belly sticks out when I’m not paying attention. It’ll be gaping after dinner.

And tomorrow will also be busy, I suspect. I hope that I still get Friday off to recuperate from this crazy week, but if it’s this hectic than I might not. Regardless, I intend to FINALLY meet up with Old Man John on Thursday or Friday.

Old Man John
Q says it’s rude of me to call him Old Man John, but he’s new to my story so I’m hoping the epithet will help you remember him. Eventually (if he sticks around) that will change.

The Bunnies
Everyone is extremely happy these days, as far as I can tell. I bought them carrots with tops yesterday, and fresh hay for their litterboxes/fibre intake, and they all have lots of sticks to chew and things to jump onto and space to run around in. My new bamboo blinds are (too) transparent (I’ll have to fix that) so I can see outside during the daytime, and Seamus is always sitting on the rock ledge of the balcony, surveying his bunny kingdom.

Clean Feet – Friday, Sept.23/05 – 1:47 pm
I don’t work today so I was able to sleep in. Around 10am I drank a pot of tea and did Suduko puzzles on the couch, and then I CLEANED MY APARTMENT! I swept, dusted, washed the floors, and even VACUUMED. The quantity of bunny hair dust bunnies (hee hee) was astounding. So now I can walk around in bare feet without picking up a rabbit’s worth of hair! Yay!

Smooching With Old Man John
I met John last night! Finally! We rendezvoused at Serious Coffee at 4:30pm, and walked to the beach, and drank a bottle of white wine (I even liked it) and talked until the sun went down and it got cold. Then we stopped in at the Beagle Pub, and ordered mussels & salad & nachos (the nachos were my contribution) and John had a Guinness.

From now on I will drop the “Old Man” epithet because, depite being 36, John looks about 29-31-ish. (Except that I was doing the math while almost asleep last night, and John must have been born in 1969 or so — eek. That’s a long time ago!!!!!)

John is a very good looking man. And he smiles & laughs a lot. And he’s smart. And my first thought after meeting him was: “Dammit, he’s gay.”

Q says that men know their sexual orientation by age 36, so it’s very very unlikely that John is gay. Also, he wore black socks with brown shoes. HOWEVER, for someone with my experience, even the POSSIBILITY is frightening. First time, shame on you – second time, shame on me – third time . . . ??

I’m trying to think of the “signs” that I recognized, but it’s become more of a feeling. Stereotypical “signs,” like an affection for refurbished furniture, an appreciation of wine, and quality personal grooming, are not reliable signals.

This is a terrible development. How can I explain to an attractive, intelligent man that I’ll be too worried about him being gay to ever properly relax & enjoy a relationship?

Anyhoo. John smooched me at the Beagle and after he walked me home, and that was EXACTLY what I needed. Although I felt guilty, exploiting his smooches when I wasn’t sure of his sexuality. I don’t know.

I’m going to Q’s tonight for a party of our best friends, most of whom I haven’t seen in awhile. That will be fun. And now I’m off to get dressed in Non-Work Clothes (yay!!!!) and get out of this newly-cleaned house.

The Leaves are Falling!!!! – Saturday, Sept.24/05 – 10 am
It’s Autumn!!!!! Dammit!!!!!

Jessie Looks Nothing Like Blossom
Rowan and Q and I had dinner last night at Q’s new place. BBQ steaks and salmon, asparagus, baby potatoes, roasted garlic & French bread, mushrooms . . . a feast. Later in the evening, Justin & Jessie & Spencer came over, and we caught up on all the news, and Spencer taunted me with descriptions of the single, tall men whose hair he cut/styled, and Jessie said: Hey, I look exactly like her! and pointed to this infomercial on TV with an actress who looks like Blossom (remember that ’90’s sitcom?). Apparently Jessie’s self-image issues are more serious than we’d thought.

I don’t know if this is a universal human condition, to have such a distorted self-image. Maybe that’s why no one likes their photographs.

Jessie and I have diagnosed part of her “issue”: her Barbie dolls were always naked, while mine were always clothed. Barbie’s ridiculous dimensions (when naked) were designed to accomodate the thickness of her clothing’s material — they can scale down the human figure into doll scale, but you can’t scale down material. So my Barbies’ bodies looked not much different than the women in real life — or at least, the ones on TV (ha!) — while Jessie’s Barbies just trumpeted: Big Boobs, Skinny Waist, Disproportiate Bodies Are Fun And Beautiful!

As For John
Q says I’ve become paranoid, and that if I screw up this possibility due to an unsubstantiated fear of history repeating itself then he will NEVER AGAIN be sympathetic to my whining re: no available men in Victoria.

Also, I really liked the smooching.

Oh, And Also – Sunday, Sept.25/05 – 10:32 am
I ran into the Crazy Beautiful Man from Starbucks Friday while walking with Celeste on Dallas Road’s doggy route. He has “Bell” tattooed on his very hairy tummy.

More to come later, but I rented High Fidelity and that’s first.

Ughy Day – Sunday, Sept.25/05 – 8:19 pm
I was ridiculously happy this morning, cuddled on my couch watching High Fidelity, drinking tea and listening to Peter terrorize a bundle of sticks under the couch. And then, somewhere between visits to Sears and Canadian Tire, I got icky and grumpy and blahy. Mood swings suck.

Q’s dad and stepmom bought Q a BBQ for a housewarming present. Due to my extensive experience with lego kits during my youth, I am the resident assembler: and it looks wonderful. It required a few strategic hammer-whacks to get everything to fit properly, but I suspect that was intentional — makes the male BBQer feel more manly. It was great for my passive aggressive rage.

Q and I had invited Andrew & his woman Claire over for dinner tonight, but I was so blahy that I could only envision an evening of heavy sighs and self-pity, so we postponed for some other time when I’ll presumably be amusing and perky. I miss Andrew — it will be good to have a bond over wine & salmon sometime soon.

Someone’s in Trouble
Or maybe this is my own fault — feel free to condemn me via the comments feature. John hasn’t called since our smoochie date Thursday, and since I know he left me in a chipper mood I strongly suspect that SOMEONE (Mark!!!) has told him about my website and that he’s read my “Old Man John is Probably Gay” entries and he’s run off.

So, question: was it wrong of me to post those thoughts, considering the mandate of this site? My disclaimer (I always have a disclaimer on hand) is that I NEVER told him about this site. And that I said nice things about him, even considering the emotional baggage I have re: potential love interests being gay. John doesn’t know my epic history of boyfriends/closeted ‘mos, so he’s missing some essential context.

Anyhoo. I feel badly.

High Fidelity
Good movie.

I also rented Alive (filmed in the Purcells near Invermere — my Dad worked on the set up at Panorama) and Coffee & Cigarettes, a token artsy thing. Sometimes I find token artsy things too wordy, but sometimes they also make me think, and I enjoy the subtle touches (e.g. black and white self-commentary in Woody Allen’s Celebrities).

Google.ca
I can track how visitors find my site, and today/yesterday someone from Australia found me by searching on google with: Simone de Beauvoir “Dean Moriarty.”

First thought: what the hell do de Beauvoir (20th century French feminist) and Dean Moriarty (Kerouac’s protagonist in On the Road) have in common??? Other than that they’re both mentioned in my play. I can’t believe someone would search for that.

Second thought: my soulmate lives in Australia. I hope he’s a suitable love match.

Busy Busy Busy – Monday, Sept.26/05 – lunchtime
Whew! It’s crazy busy at work today. I’ve been running around (computer/internet speaking) since 5:45am. Thank god I have a loaf of bread & some food stuff here at work!

In Other News
I have no idea what it’s like outside. It was chilly this morning (7:41am or thereabouts when I ventured out to fetch our daily newspapers). I’m wearing my new ugly green sweater & sexy pinstripe pants today, purchased from Old Navy this weekend. I was very grateful for the sweater, what with the FREEZING BLIZZARD CONDITIONS outside. Or something.

I’m sleepy (as usual) and will appreciate my nap this afternoon. Also, I still have Alive and Coffee and Cigarettes to watch this week.

I’m mainly bothering to update this because John emailed me this morning asking if I wanted to play this week. So I’ve somehow avoided offending him — assuming that he read this site at all . . . to prevent further emergencies, I’ll tell him about my ‘mo paranoia asap. I prefer to have everyone “in the know” about what’s going on with me — otherwise I forget who doesn’t know what and everything gets complicated.

Timely Doubts?
Q suggested that maybe this website isn’t such a clever idea. I’m posting personal information on here, and it would be easy for someone to abuse that insight. My argument, however, is that I don’t really give a shit about what anyone might think of this stuff. We’re practicing for when my work is in bookstores and on stage: I will tell everyone all my secrets, and if I know yours then yours might also come out (indirectly, I hope — I would never intentionally betray any of you). We’re rehearsing a sort of awkward, embarassing honesty. Isn’t this fun?

Holy Fricking Christ – Monday, Sept.26/05 – 7:49 pm
Coffee & Cigarettes is utterly bizarre. Also, I love Tom Waits.

Moment o’ Bliss
I had a pot of Lipton Yellow Bag & sugar & milk & my favourite little tea set, and I had my fleecy sweatpants on, and I was watching a movie.

Is there anyone in this world who could possibly improve that environment with their company? It’s one of my favourite ways to spend time, and I have NEVER met anyone who could make it even more pleasurable.

Drowning Our Sorrows in Sushi
Liv and I are sushi-ing tomorrow! Yay!!!!

And on Thursday we have a HUGE group for Atomic Vaudeville. Regulars so far include: Liv, me, Jessie, Q, Spencer. First-time guests include: Trevor (via Liv), Karen (via Jessie), and maybe John (via me). Fun fun fun fun fun fun fun!

For any of you Victoria readers, you’re welcome to join us, or just go and watch the show. It’s Wednesday and Thursday nights at 1514 Broad Street (the Event Centre). Doors at 7:30pm, show at 8pm, cover is $12 or so. Cash bar . . . the theme this month is “The Gayest Show Ever”!!!!

Wonderfully Sore Legs – Wednesday, Sept.28/05
It’s wonderful because I ran like a crazy thing yesterday. Yay for me! I haven’t run around the block in months — my excuse was the summer heat — and despite being ridiculously out of shape I still managed to run my FULL LOOP, switchbacking around blocks to make the distance longer. I am amazing.

Other Weird Adventures
When getting dressed Tuesday morning I couldn’t figure out how to wear a long blouse thing with my skirt, since the skirt has a belt that gets tied up in the front and there would be a bulge under the blouse from the knot. THEN I realized that I could tuck in the blouse, and it wouldn’t look ridiculously strange because I was wearing another shirt overtop.

Anyhoo, to paraphrase: I (re)invented tucking in shirts. I haven’t tucked in a shirt since I was 15. It was liberating.

And also, after doing a load of laundry (my undies and some work socks) and running around the block and watching the taped episodes of Medium and CSI: Miami from Monday night and eating a Swiss cheese & sprout sandwich I was EXHAUSTED so I went to bed for a nappy nap. At 6:30pm. And then I woke up this morning when my alarm went off at 5:15am.

Belated September 27th Celebrations
If I hadn’t fallen asleep so early, I would have made a pretty, multi-coloured capital letters headline at the top of this page, which would have said:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MOM & DAD!!!!

But since I fell asleep it’s now only a silly black-font wish. Nonetheless, I was thinking of them yesterday, and I sent Daddy an e-Card with an e-Song, and I wrote some emails to let them know I was thinking of them and loving them long-distance yesterday. So I’m still a good daughter.

I’M AN AUNTY!!! – Friday, Sept.30/05
From Mom and Dad:

Jared and Evy had their baby boy tonight at 9:08pm.
Thus far he is nameless. He is beautiful. Weighs 7 pounds 14 ounces
and is LONG!
from a relieved and happy granny and grandpa
Ginny & Bob

Heather McLeod

Tag Archives: Ryan

November 2005

September 2005

Heather McLeod is a mystery writer based in British Columbia, Canada.